Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

A young woman had severe PMS, so she asked a friend to recommend a gynecologist. "I know a great one," the friend said, "but he's very expensive. He charges $500 for the first visit and $150 for each visit after that."
The woman went to see the gynecologist. Trying to save money, she greeted the doctor with a loud, "I'm back!"
He then proceeded to examine her.
"Very good," he said when he was finished. "Just continue the treatment I prescribed last time."

 

[moreluck]

The Interview......

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The

interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can

you tell us your age, please?'
The blonde counts

carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before

replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!'
The interviewer tries

another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you

tell us your height, please?'
The young lady stands up

and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then

traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top

of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five

foot two!'
This isn't looking good so the interviewer

goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our

records, your name please?'
The blonde bobs her head

from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing

something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!'


The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so

he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your

counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the

measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you

doing when we asked you your name?'
'Ohh that!',

replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy

birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''

 

[moreluck]

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten,how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does everyday.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up"and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me:
Two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.

 

[moreluck]

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.
'Will there be any change of address?' the clerk inquired.
'No,' I replied.
'Oh, good,' she said, clearly delighted. 'You got the house.'

 

[moreluck]

A woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all right. The woman's husband sits patiently in the waiting room.
After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.
Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room, this time asking for a screwdriver. The husband grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer and at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied fear, runs up and asks, 'Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?'
'I don't know,' replies the flustered doctor, 'I can't get my bag open!'

 

[moreluck]

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:
"You are not getting older. You are just getting better."
Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered that the cake read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP.
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

 

[moreluck]

CANNIBALS.....

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'
That reminds me of the cannibal that passed his friend in the woods.....
When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.......
What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.....
Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture? Eatin' Allen's......
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts......
What do cannibals make out of politicians? Baloney sandwiches......
Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant? Dinner costs an arm and a leg......
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered apizza with everybody on it.......
Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.......
One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like...........
Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, 'Gee, I hate my mother-in-law.' The 2nd replies, 'So, try the potatoes.'

 

[moreluck]

The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started."
The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."
The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."
The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose." The devil says, "OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee."
The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. What's the big deal?
After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, "Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"

 

[moreluck]

There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride.
"Before you start" the preacher said,"you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. Go is praise the lord and stop is amen."
So the man on the horse says " Praise the lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says "Praise the lord," and the horse starts to gallop.
Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells "Amen!!!" The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.
The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says "Praise the Lord."

 

[moreluck]

Saints Dominic, Francis of Assisi, and Ignatius of Loyola are transported back in time and place to the birth of Our Lord.St. Dominic, seeing the Incarnation of the Word, is sent into ecstasy.St. Francis, seeing God become a helpless child, is overcome with humility.St. Ignatius of Loyola takes Mary and Joseph aside and asks, “Have you given any thought to his education?”

 

[moreluck]

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday tocomplain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS

 

[moreluck]

A guy who had forgotten the dates for a number of his friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on.
He went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. Finally, he found one where the clerk seemed experienced.
"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" the guy asked.
"Have you tried a wife?" the clerk responded

 

[moreluck]

An idiot was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land.
The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn't open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn't open.
Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, "I'll bet the damn truck won't be waiting for me either."

 

[moreluck]

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an ," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

 

[moreluck]

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "They're up in bed."
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied, "They're still up in bed."
Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed."
The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?"
The little boy replied, "Well, last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

 

[moreluck]

There was a little boy in kindergarten. At the end of one cold winter day, when all the other children were leaving, the teacher found him crying, so she asked him what was wrong.
He sobbed, "I can't find my boots."
The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. "Are these yours?"
"No, they're not mine," said the little boy, shaking his head.
The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.
Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?"
"I'm sure," the boy sobbed, "mine had snow on them."

 

[moreluck]

The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said,
"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside..."

 

[moreluck]

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

 

[moreluck]

A lawyer and two friends, a rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."
With that, he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later, a knock was heard at the door, and the farmer opened it. There stood the rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I'm grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene recurred. There was a knock on the door.
"What's wrong now?" the farmer asked.
The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn, and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but he went out to the barn.
Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer's door.
Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood ... the pig and the cow.

 

[moreluck]

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear - no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"