Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids,all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have timeto get you both a present."
Not to worry," said the dad.."the important thing is that we're all here together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great,Dad just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."
"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of usare together today." After they had all finished dessert, the father putdown his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a longtime. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married."
The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the dad..."and cheap ones too!"

 

[moreluck]

The English Language....
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

 

[moreluck]

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

 

[moreluck]

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."

 

[moreluck]

If College Students Wrote The Bible....

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold.
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written in a large font.
A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to [email protected].
Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to get it done.

 

[moreluck]

Bumper Stickers...

Where there's a will...I want to be on it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Eschew obfuscation.

 

[moreluck]

A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed your heart?"
The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

 

[moreluck]

Stopping the Volcano in Hawaii


According to ancient Hawaiian tradition,

the quickest way to APPEASE PELE' and have the

volcanic fires stop is to make a

human sacrifice into her fires,

and according to tradition,

that needs to be a celebrated leader

who was born in Hawaii and held

a position of power for 8 years.


Obama quickly announced

he was actually born in Kenya,

and has the Birth Certificate to prove it."

\

 

[moreluck]

A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.

As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked,

"Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street

two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."


The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven."


The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're ting me, right?

You can't even find the Post Office."

 

[moreluck]

Kid's say the darndest things...
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. - Pam, age 7
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.- Ricky, age 10

 

[moreluck]

A Russian woman married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever after in London.
However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

QUOTES

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure" -- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend. If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill followed by Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one."
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

 

[moreluck]

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy!Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"

 

[moreluck]

Why Men Are Happier Than Women....

Men seems to have gotten the better deal than women, perhaps that is why men are happier than women?
1. Your last name stays put.
2. The garage is all yours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. You can be President.
6. You can never be pregnant.
7. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
8. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
9. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
10. The world is your urinal.
11. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
12. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
13. Same work, more pay.
14. Wrinkles add character.
15. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
16. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
17. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
18. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
19. One mood all the time.
20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
21. You know stuff about tanks.
22. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
23. You can open all your own jars.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
26. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
27. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
28. You almost never have strap problems in public.
29. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
30. Everything on your face stays its original color.
31. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
32. You only have to shave your face and neck.
33. You can play with toys all your life.
34. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
35. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.
36. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
37. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
38. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
39. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

[moreluck]

A man went to the confessional. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”"What is your sin, my son?” the priest asked."Well,” the man started, “I used some horrible language this week, and I feel absolutely terrible.”"When did you use this awful language?” asked the priest."I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a power line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about a hundred yards.” "Is that when you swore?”"No, Father. After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”"Is that when you swore?”"Well, no. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons, and flew away!”"Is that when you swore?” asked the amazed priest."No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”"Did you swear then?”"No, because as the ball felt it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”The priest signed, “You missed the putt, didn't you?”

 

[moreluck]

More Things You'd Never Have Known If Not For the Movies: If you overpower a sentry or guard, his uniform will fit you perfectly.
It is possible to brush your teeth without any toothpaste foam appearing on your lips.
Handsome men don't belch or fart.
If you're a team of misfits and losers, you'll win the championship.
In a large city, the streets are always wet at night.
Most bathrooms do not have a toilet.
All orphans can sing and dance, both alone and in groups.
You'll find a parking space in front of your building in New York.
A person wearing a good latex mask can deceive even close friends of the person the mask depicts.
It usually rains during outdoor funerals.
Police officers may beat the daylights out of a suspect in the course of an arrest, but are careful to guide him gently into the squad car so he doesn't bump his head.

 

[moreluck]

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.

Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
Driving at night with the lights off.

 

[moreluck]

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 lamb chops, please.”
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap! – Against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”
The owner responds, “Genius, no way! It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”

 

[moreluck]

FAQ- Pregnancy and Women:

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now, when will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word ‘alimony’ means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.