Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

short ones

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick? A tick lets go when you die.

My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but he's the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers. I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching his back one day. "No, not there," he directed. "Scroll down."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive.

"One great thing about getting older, one martini does the work of three."

I've never known a man who wasn't deeply attached on a very emotional level to his beloved vehicle. Whether it was a piece of junk or a masterpiece made no difference. They rode in their metal boxes and were in control of their lives. I think I know why so many men are afraid to make a commitment to women. It's because we can't be steered

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

"Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat." -- Mark Twain

"Try to be like the turtle, at ease in your own shell."

Man reading message found in bottle washed ashore: I'm marooned on a tropical island with no taxes, pollution or traffic. Eat your heart out.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Check ...

A girl of about 10 years old handed a check to a bank teller.

"You'll have to endorse it," said the teller as he handed it back.

"What does endorse mean?" asked the little girl.

"Just sign your name like you do in a letter," explained the teller.

Smiley shyly the girl wrote, "Love Linda."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Vacation Tips"

Summer is here and it's time to get ready for vacations. Here are a few tips to help you make the best out of your trip.

1. Don't Stuff your vacation with obligations, relax and enjoy.

2. Take a break from the housework. You do it everyday and who wants to do it on their vacation, that's what maid service is for.

3. Take a few days after your trip to recoup, your body needs to get back to reality.

4. No electronic equipment. Give your mind a complete break, that's what a vacation is for. You'll feel more relaxed and ready to go back to work if you leave that electronic leash behind.

5. Know yourself and your family. Think about what you really need this vacation to do for your family, then plan it out.

6. Take a guilt free trip. Don't worry about every little thing, give yourself permission to have a great time.

7. Learn from your past vacations. What did your family enjoy or dislike. A family talk would help so everyone knows the expectations of the trip.

8. Don't keep checking your watch. It's impossible to be uptight about a schedule if you leave your watch behind.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

I've been trying to follow that new food pyramid the government put out, and it's working! I'm looking more and more like a pyramid every day.

How to tell your social standing: if you got to work and your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're in the middle class. If your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

I have reverse paranoia: I believe people are conspiring to help me succeed.

I don't mind life passing me by, I just wish it would signal every now and again and not cut in front of me so much.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

Enjoy yourself because you can't change anything anyway.

Look at the bright side: no matter how old you are, you're younger than you'll ever be again.



When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Bumper Stickers:


If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Love that British humor.......

An Essex Girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

An Essex Girl enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Stuff ...

Did I tell you about the baker who quit making donuts because he got tired of the hole business?

How about the nun who got her skirt caught in the revolving door and entered the building by force of habit?

Then there was the guard hired to watch a hat factory. They gave him a cap pistol.

At my daughter's school, they're teaching her how to study a fungus. They really know how to mold young minds.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Living Will Form

I, _______________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it. Nor in the hands of lawyers/doctors who are interested simply in running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Beer, Margarita, Scotch and soda, Martini, Vodka and OJ, steak, Shrimp or crab legs, A Lottery Ticket, bowl of ice cream, Waffles, chocolate, or $ex

....it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

At this point, it is time to call a New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature: ____________

Date: ________

I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors.

 

[UPSStory]

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock Cal. 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me, If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such
behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
___________________________________________________________________

Republican's Answer: BANG!
______________________________________________________________________
Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click... (sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

Son: "Git-r-Dun Pop! Can I shoot the next
one!"

Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!"

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

"Medicine has made great strides in recent years. What was once an itch is now an allergy."

Rush Limbaugh was detained and questioned for transporting a possible illegal Viagra prescription into the country. Well... a least we know his back is feeling better.

After a family disturbance, one of the little boys closed his bedtime prayer by saying, "And please don't give my dad any more children...He don't know how to treat those he's got now."

Sometimes its hard to tell the difference between the strong, silent type and the simply stupid type.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Note on the meter ....
The following note was fastened to a defective parking meter with a rubber band...

"I put three quarters in this meter. License #476IPQ."

"FRD719-Me, too!"

"So did I--JRY335."

"I'm not going to pay a quarter to find out if these guys are lying. WTM259."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

Despite all the talk about the speed of supersonic transports, no engineer has ever been able to concoct anything that can go faster than a vacation.

"Wouldn't it be wonderful if all children behaved the way you think you acted when you were a kid?"

"Success is often the result of taking a misstep in the right direction."

An airline pilot said to his copilot: "See that little lake? When I was a kid I used to sit in a rowboat down there, fishing. Every time a plane would fly overhead, I'd look up and wish I were flying it. Now I look down and wish I were in a rowboat fishing instead."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Golf .....

I've been reading a new book, if any of you would like to borrow it just let me know. It's called the "Useful Golf Book". It contains some really good articles such as:

* How to Line Up Your Fourth Putt

* How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee

* How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker.

* How to get more distance off the shank

* Proper etiquette when you are playing with a complete jerk

* Crying and how to handle it

* How to rationalize a 7-hour round

* How to find the ball that everyone else saw go in the water

* Why your spouse no longer cares that you birdied the 4th

* How to let a foursome play through your twosome without getting embarrassed

* How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

Bargain: usually something that is so reasonably priced that the store won't take it back when you find out what's wrong with it.

Woman wish to be loved without a why or wherefore; not because they are pretty or good or well-bred or graceful or intelligent, but because they are themselves.


"Procrastination has its good side. You always have something to do tomorrow. "

"If you can give your child only one gift, let it be enthusiasm."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

"I shall know but one country. The ends I aim at shall be my country’s, my God’s and Truth’s. I was born an American; I live an American; I shall die an American." (Daniel Webster)

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

FLAG ETIQUETTE.....

Here are some tips to make sure your tribute is a respectful one:

Display the flag only between sunrise and sunset on buildings and stationary flagstaffs. The flag may be displayed for twenty-four hours if illuminated in darkness.

Do not display the flag in inclement weather.

Whether displaying the flag vertically or horizontally, make sure the canton of stars is visible on the upper left-hand side.

Do not let the flag touch the ground.

An unusable flag that is damaged and worn and can no longer be displayed should be destroyed in a dignified way by burning.

When not on display, the flag should be respectfully folded into a triangle, symbolizing the tricorn hats worn by colonial soldiers in the Revolutionary War.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

"Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to be able to decide." (Napoleon Bonaparte)

In the truest sense, freedom cannot be bestowed; it must be achieved." (Franklin D. Roosevelt)

"Freedom is never free. "