Jokes

[moreluck]

Dishonest Mechanic.......


A lady took her friend to get her car from the mechanic.

When her friend came out she asked her, "Is everything okay with your car now?"

Her friend said, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that the mechanic might try to take advantage of me, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was twenty dollars worth of blinker fluid."

 

[moreluck]

A man walks into a dentist's office and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."

Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

Man: "Yes, I know."

Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"

Man: "The light was on..."

 

[moreluck]

New Boots.....

My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her boots.

"Tina," I commented, "I see you got new boots! Where did you get them?"

"At the store," she answered. "Which one?" I asked. She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them!"

 

[moreluck]

Let's Be Honest.......
God greets Mother Teresa at the Pearly Gates. "Thou art hungry, Mother Teresa?" asks God.

"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies. So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread, and they share it.

While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and fine wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, Mother Teresa remains quiet.

The next day God again invites Mother Teresa to join him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again looking down, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still Mother Teresa says nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrives, and another can of tuna is opened. Mother Teresa can contain herself no longer. Meekly, she says: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in Heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! Forgive me, O God, but I just don't understand..."

God sighs. "Oy, let's be honest, Mother Teresa," God says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"

 

[moreluck]

A Quarter Horse....


One evening after dinner, my daughter came into the office asking for homework help on her vocabulary words. "Dad," she asked, "what's a quarter horse?"

As I thought of a simple explanation, my five-year-old son piped up, "I know! It's the one they have in front of the grocery store."'

 

[moreluck]

On Preserving Health....


In the commuter train car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject.

"Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life -- no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances.

Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then . . . "

"Excuse me, sir," interrupted the stranger in the corner, "but what were you in prison for?"

 

[moreluck]

California Living......


Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked

"Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the other guy answered, "there's crazy people in California and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."


"Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life, and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."


The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"


"Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

 

[moreluck]

A man of eighty-one yells with joy as the nurse comes in and tells him that his twenty-year-old bride just gave birth to a baby. The man muses, "I wonder if I could do it again."

Another expectant father answers, "What makes you think you did it the first time?"

 

[moreluck]

Washing the Dog.....


A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped. He carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle."

 

[moreluck]

Of Cows and Bulls.....(moo)



A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand up and brush themselves off and go back to their business.

Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are knocked into the next pasture. The bulls just say "moo."

Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo?

What's the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop and you just stand there unharmed ?"

"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

 

[moreluck]

Little Girl...


A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!

 

[moreluck]

Science Lesson...


Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things.

What am I?”

Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, “You're a mother!”

 

[moreluck]

Immigration....


A man and his wife, both living in Britain, had been wanting to move to Australia for a long time. This is where the husbands family live and where he grew up. Nowadays immigration to Australia, as it is with many countries is quite strict. So they had a long wait for there interview with the immigration office.

Finally they got there interview and both very nervous after many questions were asked there came the "do you have a criminal record?"

To which the husband replied "I didn't realize you still needed one?!"

 

[moreluck]

Making A Point...


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer. Always something more important to me.


Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.


I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."


The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 

[moreluck]

In A Child's Mind.....


Sunday school children were asked to draw their rendition of the Christmas story.

Most of the kids drew manger scenes to include the shepherds, angels, the star, the baby Jesus in the manger as would be expected. Little Jimmy proudly showed his picture of a jetliner. There were 4 distinct faces looking out the windows.

When the Sunday school teacher asked Jimmy to explain the drawing, he said it was the "flight out of Egypt." He pointed to the one face and said "that is Joseph," another face was Mary, the little face of course was Jesus.

The teacher asked him who is the face in the front of the plane. Jimmy replied, "It's Pontius, the pilot, of course."

 

[moreluck]

No I In Team...


One of the players on our junior high football team never saw action in a game. But my brother, the assistant coach, liked the kid and always gave him pep talks.

"Remember, Ben," he told him, "everyone on this team has an important role. There is no I in team."

"True," said the boy. "But there is a Ben in bench.

 

[moreluck]

Big Bunch of Buffaloes....


Tourist: "Say, look at that big bunch of buffaloes."

Ranch Hand: "Not 'bunch' -- 'herd.'"

Tourist: "Heard what?"

Ranch Hand: "Herd of buffaloes."

Tourist: "Sure, I've heard of buffaloes. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

 

[moreluck]

Not Quite Right...


Jim asked Tony if he'd gotten his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

Tony said, "Yes I did. I bought her a bag and a belt."

Jim was shocked, "Really? That was very kind of you. I'm sure she will appreciate those."

Tony replied, "I hope she appreciates them too and I hope the vacuum cleaner works a lot better now."

 

[moreluck]

Weird Coincidences...


It was one of those weird coincidences that occurs maybe once in a thousand years: That afternoon there converged on the neighborhood grocery store some 28 husbands, each of whom who had been sent out by their wives with very specific instructions as to what they should buy.

In a further stretch of the laws of probability, each of those men had assured their mates that they were perfectly capable of remembering the items needed without the childish crutch of written instructions.

Picture the scene: more than two dozen adult males wandering the store aisles with glazed-over eyes.

The atmosphere in the grocery store was, well, there is only one word for it -

it was....

listless.

 

[moreluck]

An Irish Tradition....

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, and the other in Australia, and I am here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."