Jokes
- Thread starter DS
- Start date
Dulce Bombón
I'm Legal Gringo! UPS Latina Heat! Haters ❤ me!
moreluck
golden ticket member
A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.
As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.
The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I said for you to marry a RICH Doctor! A RICH Doctor!"
As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.
The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I said for you to marry a RICH Doctor! A RICH Doctor!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Actual Employee Evaluations...
The following were taken from actual employee evaluations:
* Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
* I would not allow this man to breed.
* This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
* When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
* He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
* This man has delusions of adequacy.
* He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them.
* This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.
* This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.
* Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it together.
* A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
* A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
* Bright as Alaska in December.
* Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.
* Fell out of his family tree.
* The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isnt coming.
* This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
* If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.
* Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.
* If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.
* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
The following were taken from actual employee evaluations:
* Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
* I would not allow this man to breed.
* This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
* When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
* He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
* This man has delusions of adequacy.
* He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them.
* This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.
* This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.
* Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it together.
* A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
* A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
* Bright as Alaska in December.
* Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.
* Fell out of his family tree.
* The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isnt coming.
* This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
* If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.
* Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.
* If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.
* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Signs You Have a Hang-up......
1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!" 8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!" 8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
I was out walking with my 4-year-old granddaughter.
She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my granddaughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.
At this point, my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff?
“You are so smart.”
I was thinking quickly, "All Grandmas know this stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"Oh...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the Grandpa."
"Exactly," I replied.
She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my granddaughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.
At this point, my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff?
“You are so smart.”
I was thinking quickly, "All Grandmas know this stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"Oh...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the Grandpa."
"Exactly," I replied.
moreluck
golden ticket member
A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.
"Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."
"Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Some Really Good Questions...….
1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?'
4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message “one slice?” How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It's all right?” Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?”
11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
14. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?'
4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message “one slice?” How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It's all right?” Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?”
11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
14. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
Catatonic
Nine Lives
Ha Ha!
Maple Grove MN Driver
Cocaine Mang!
How do you circumcise a boy in Alabama?
Kick his sister in the Jaw.
WAR EAGLE!
Go AUBURN!
Kick his sister in the Jaw.
WAR EAGLE!
Go AUBURN!
Dulce Bombón
I'm Legal Gringo! UPS Latina Heat! Haters ❤ me!
