Retirees in the Buff
- Thread starter Catatonic
- Start date
rod
Retired 22 years
rod
Retired 22 years
moreluck
golden ticket member
Those of us “seniors” will get this one.......
Stolen Car
The proud owner of a magnificent 1956 Chevrolet Bel Air wrote to say he had restored the car to perfection over the last few years. He sent this.....
On a very warm summer afternoon he decided to take his car to town. It needed gas, as the gauge was practically on empty, and he wanted some ice cream. He headed first to his favorite ice cream shop.
He had trouble finding a parking space and had to park the car down a side street. He noticed a group of young Mexican guys standing around smoking cigarettes and eyeing his car rather covetously. He was a bit uneasy leaving it there, but people often take interest in such an old and well-preserved car, so he went off to enjoy his ice cream.
The line at the ice cream shop was long, and it took him quite a while to return to his car. When he did, his worst fears were realized… his car was gone.
He called the police and reported the theft. About ten minutes later the police called him to say they had found his car abandoned near a gas station a few miles out of town. It was unharmed and he was relieved.
It seems just before he called, the police had received a call from a young woman who was an employee at a self-service gas station. She told them that three young men had driven in with this beautiful old car.
One of them came to the window and prepaid for 20 dollars worth of gasoline. Then all three of them walked around the car. After a few minutes they got back in the car and drove off without filling the tank.
The question is, why would anybody steal a car, pay for gas that they never pumped, and then abandon the car later and walk away?
They couldn't find where the gasoline port was located! (in the back taillight)
Stolen Car
The proud owner of a magnificent 1956 Chevrolet Bel Air wrote to say he had restored the car to perfection over the last few years. He sent this.....
On a very warm summer afternoon he decided to take his car to town. It needed gas, as the gauge was practically on empty, and he wanted some ice cream. He headed first to his favorite ice cream shop.
He had trouble finding a parking space and had to park the car down a side street. He noticed a group of young Mexican guys standing around smoking cigarettes and eyeing his car rather covetously. He was a bit uneasy leaving it there, but people often take interest in such an old and well-preserved car, so he went off to enjoy his ice cream.
The line at the ice cream shop was long, and it took him quite a while to return to his car. When he did, his worst fears were realized… his car was gone.
He called the police and reported the theft. About ten minutes later the police called him to say they had found his car abandoned near a gas station a few miles out of town. It was unharmed and he was relieved.
It seems just before he called, the police had received a call from a young woman who was an employee at a self-service gas station. She told them that three young men had driven in with this beautiful old car.
One of them came to the window and prepaid for 20 dollars worth of gasoline. Then all three of them walked around the car. After a few minutes they got back in the car and drove off without filling the tank.
The question is, why would anybody steal a car, pay for gas that they never pumped, and then abandon the car later and walk away?
They couldn't find where the gasoline port was located! (in the back taillight)
UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
"I've fallen and I can't get up?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Why I Like Retirement !
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
SERENITY
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate
cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my
hands and feet anymore. Can't remember
if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and
down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same
noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my
shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune
to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old
Pass it on...
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
SERENITY
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate
cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my
hands and feet anymore. Can't remember
if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and
down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same
noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my
shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune
to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old
Pass it on...
moreluck
golden ticket member
Dewey Decimal System......ahhhh, those were the days
