Rules on dating a drill instructors daughter

Discussion in 'Life After Brown' started by FromBluetoBrown, Mar 10, 2008.

  1. For all you vets out there or anyone with teenage daughters.....

    Rules of dating a Drill Instructors daughter...

    Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

    Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
  2. paidslave

    paidslave New Member

    Sorry but i really feel scared for your daughter!

    With your control issues, she will move out soon with her next boyfriend!


    You picked your daughters name and now you want to pick who she dates?

    Good luck and I hope she loves your pick!

    Disclaimer: I am not a vet but you really need some prozak and some serious counseling!
  3. wily_old_vet

    wily_old_vet New Member

    Blue-I was cracking up reading this. Paidslave-Lighten up, reread and don't take it seriously.

  4. I dont have any children I got this in an email and I figured I would share
  5. toonertoo

    toonertoo Most Awesome Dog Staff Member

    Sound like my Dad except for no 7, no one should be late,
    And No 10, only minus the rice paddies. He could hear a car pull in, in the middle of the nights, with the lights off, and the engine killed.
    Thanks for the memories, and I didnt agree then but I do now.
  6. zephead

    zephead New Member

    Haha at #'s 3 and 4. The whole thing reminds me of that one commercial with the 14-15 year old boy and girl at her house, with the dad staring stone cold into the boy's face while setting some ground rules. The boy's noticeably freaked out. Then as they're leaving the dad cracks a wicked smile and says, "Have a nice night."

    Ahh. It makes more sense if you've seen it. I think it was an AT&T or T-Mobile commercial.
  7. satellitedriver

    satellitedriver Moderator Staff Member

    #10 brought back memories.
    Seeing a father standing up out of the bushes, with a "hog leg" in his hand, can make a 16 year old boy put the car in reverse very quickly.
    I was so scared that the car behind me was him I missed the curve and blew out the two front tires on a curb.
    I had to walk 2 miles to a friends house and when I got back to my car
    the cops had put my car in impound.
    It was not fun explaining to my father why there was an empty beer bottle on my floor board.
    I never saw that girl again.
    Thanks for the memories.
  8. Big Babooba

    Big Babooba Well-Known Member

    I had fun when my two teenaged daughters would bring home their new boyfriends . They were charter members of "The Jerk of the Month Club". I took great joy in giving their newest beau "The Look". My wife said that I could turn a boy's backbone to jelly with that look. One boy never made it to the porch, my daughter met him at the walk. I almost had to put down some Speedi-Dri after they left. My oldest daughter is getting married this May. I must like my future son-in-law, I've never given him "The Look".
  9. Sir!Yes Sir!
  10. cachsux

    cachsux Wah

    As someone married to the daughter of two Navy officers I can attest that some of those rules are not that far off. After four years of marriage we delivered their first grandchild and for my safety they were told it was by immaculate conception.
  11. toonertoo

    toonertoo Most Awesome Dog Staff Member

    nice to see you back cach
  12. One of my girlfriends in high school was my Navy recruiter's daughter and my next door neighbor. Come to think of maybe that's why he tried so hard to get me in the Navy, get me away from his daughter!