Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Office Dictionary posted:



Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing who's to blame for a missed deadline or a failed project.


Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.


Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.


Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.


Ego Surfing: Googling one's own name.


Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.


Ohno Second: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a huge mistake.


SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Kids, Oppressive Mortgage.


Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.


Treeware: Printed documentation or paperwork.


Xerox Subsidy: Free photocopies from one's workplace.

 

[moreluck]

Ice Fishing Secret


It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.

The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.

The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying.

The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

 

[moreluck]

(thanks Eric)


An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the
pilot and asked, “Are you a real pilot?”

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans...flew a Wildcat and Corsair in
WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?’

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?" He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

 

[moreluck]

Master Chief


The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two.

If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

 

[moreluck]

In Case of A Heart Attack


Although Jack and his wife enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was Jack who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.

So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, Maxine walked into the living room where Jack was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to her husband, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."

 

[moreluck]

Terrible Weather


Every Saturday morning the husband goes fishing. He gets up early, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.

One Saturday morning he got up early, dressed quietly, made his lunch, put on his long johns, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck. Coming out of his garage, rain was pouring down, then snow mixed in with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 miles per hour.

So he returned to the garage, went back into the house and turned the TV to check the weather forecast. He discovers that it was going to be bad weather all day long.

He put his boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. Cuddling up to his wife's back and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she replied, "I know—can you believe my idiot husband is out fishing in that

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Following the Snow Plow

While driving Suzanne got lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart

 

[moreluck]

It's important that soldiers learn from their mistakes; otherwise, they're bound to repeat them at inopportune moments. Here soldiers share what they've gleaned from past gaffes:

- "I was cold" is not a sufficient reason for being caught in the female barracks.
- Do not communicate with officers using only Madonna lyrics.
- Do not conduct live fire exercises at the general's (unattended) jeep, even if it's parked in an area clearly marked Live Fire Zone.
- Do not attempt to shave with fire.
- Do not use 27 packs of sticky notes to label everything in the barracks so the general won't have questions during the inspection.

 

[moreluck]

Camping Tips


* Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

* A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

* A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

* In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

* The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

* It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

 

[moreluck]

I always thought quicksand was gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be. You watch cartoons, and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, right behind sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky. ~John Mulaney~

 

[moreluck]

Lean On Me


One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.

The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."

 

[moreluck]

Italian Mother:


Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, 'Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.'
The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, 'Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?'

Mama says immediately, 'The one on the right.'

'That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know? '

Mama replies: 'I don't like her.'

 

[moreluck]

Dessert


On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley helping the cooks.

One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.

One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and decorated the cake with it.

The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.

Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my CORNBREAD go?" he shouted.

 

[moreluck]

You Are Cordially Invited

A BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION!

Guest of Honor: Jesus Christ

Date: Traditionally, December 25, but He's always around, so the date is flexible...

Time: Whenever you're ready.

Place: In your heart...He'll meet you there. (You'll hear Him knock.)

Attire: Come as you are...grubbies are just fine. [We all came that way!] He'll be washing our clothes anyway. He said something about new, white robes and crowns...

Tickets: Admission is free. He's already paid for everyone. He says you wouldn't be able to afford it anyway. It cost Him everything He had.

Refreshments: New wine, bread, and a cool drink He calls "Living Water," followed by a supper that promises to be out of this world!

Gift Suggestions: Your life. He's one of those people who already has everything. (He's very generous in return though. Just wait until you see what He has for you!)

Entertainment: Unconditional Love, Priceless Grace, Wild Abandon, Real Life, Communion with God, Forgiveness, Healing, Fascinating Mystery, Childlike Joy, Uncommon Passion, and much more! (All "G" rated, so bring your family and friends.)

R.S.V.P.--He needs to know ahead of time so He can reserve a spot for you at the table. He'll enter your name in the "Lamb's Book of Life."

 

[moreluck]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/happy_monday.htm

 

[moreluck]

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, "The man goes on top and the woman underneath." For years my husband and I slept in bunkbeds. ~Joan Rivers~

 

[moreluck]

Dear Mom



Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.


"Henry," she said, "I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?"


"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn’t spell ‘convenience,’ so I made it ‘risk

 

[Alligator]

Not a joke but a meme ^.^

 

[moreluck]

Special Package for Businessmen

An Airline introduced a special package for Business men. Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"