Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
- Thread starter moreluck
- Start date
moreluck
golden ticket member
How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity in retirement:
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on
And point a hairdryer at passing cars...watch 'em slow down!
2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'!
3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing Along At The Opera.
6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the carpark, yelling 'Run for your lives! They're loose!'
8. Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go...
9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY,
GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: my favourite.
10. Go to a large Department store’s fitting room; drop your drawers to your ankles
And yell out: “THERE IS NO PAPER IN HERE”!
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on
And point a hairdryer at passing cars...watch 'em slow down!
2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'!
3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing Along At The Opera.
6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the carpark, yelling 'Run for your lives! They're loose!'
8. Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go...
9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY,
GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: my favourite.
10. Go to a large Department store’s fitting room; drop your drawers to your ankles
And yell out: “THERE IS NO PAPER IN HERE”!
moreluck
golden ticket member
(thanks Eric)
President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"
Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"
Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Obama:
“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day"
Cashier:
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”
“Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"
Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”
Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?
President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"
Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"
Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Obama:
“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day"
Cashier:
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”
“Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"
Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”
Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?
moreluck
golden ticket member
KIDS IN CHURCH
> A Sunday schoolteacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at thebeach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
Daddy, what happened to him?' The son asked.
He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
Would you like to say the blessing?'
I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?' .
> A Sunday schoolteacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at thebeach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
Daddy, what happened to him?' The son asked.
He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
Would you like to say the blessing?'
I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?' .
moreluck
golden ticket member
moreluck
golden ticket member
COMMUNITY SERVICE
A guy enters a Roman Catholic confessional booth in D.C.
He tells the Priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the hell out of an Obama supporter"
The Priest responds, "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.
A guy enters a Roman Catholic confessional booth in D.C.
He tells the Priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the hell out of an Obama supporter"
The Priest responds, "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Three Turtles
Three turtles, Joe, Bill, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, "Alright, Bill, gimme the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring the bottle opener," Bill says, "I thought you packed it."
Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. "Do you have the bottle opener?" Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Bill beg Raymond to go back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great grand-turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.
Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Bill are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.
Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise.
After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Bill starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
"NO!" Joe retorts, "We promised."
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, "I knew it!, I'm not going!"
Three turtles, Joe, Bill, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, "Alright, Bill, gimme the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring the bottle opener," Bill says, "I thought you packed it."
Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. "Do you have the bottle opener?" Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Bill beg Raymond to go back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great grand-turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.
Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Bill are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.
Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise.
After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Bill starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
"NO!" Joe retorts, "We promised."
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, "I knew it!, I'm not going!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
After We Have Gone
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. The biggest fear was that there was no heaven.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact.
"Rose... Rose...."
"Is that you, Douglas?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Douglas, you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly. I'm a rabbit in Nebraska"
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. The biggest fear was that there was no heaven.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact.
"Rose... Rose...."
"Is that you, Douglas?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Douglas, you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly. I'm a rabbit in Nebraska"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Stop!
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well...are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well...are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
moreluck
golden ticket member
The Marines
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished
giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby of the
convention center where he was introduced to a
United States Marine Corps General.
As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one
question about what I have seen in America."
The General said,
"Well, is there anything I can do to help?"
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called
'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian,
Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura
who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO
Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why
there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians,
Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.
"The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador,
and whispered in his ear,
"That's because it takes place in the future..."
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished
giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby of the
convention center where he was introduced to a
United States Marine Corps General.
As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one
question about what I have seen in America."
The General said,
"Well, is there anything I can do to help?"
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called
'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian,
Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura
who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO
Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why
there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians,
Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.
"The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador,
and whispered in his ear,
"That's because it takes place in the future..."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Sex in the Shower
In a recent survey, commissioned by a leading soap and toiletries firm, Democrats have proven to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.
The results revealed that 86% of Obama supporters said that they have had sex in the shower.
The remaining 14% said they haven't been to prison yet.
Sort of brings a tear to your eye.
In a recent survey, commissioned by a leading soap and toiletries firm, Democrats have proven to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.
The results revealed that 86% of Obama supporters said that they have had sex in the shower.
The remaining 14% said they haven't been to prison yet.
Sort of brings a tear to your eye.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Bumper Stickers
LOVE IS GRAND...
DIVORCE IS TWENTY GRAND!
YOU'RE A PANE IN MY GLASS
WOMEN WHO SEEK TO BE EQUAL WITH MEN...
LACK AMBITION
STABLE RELATIONSHIPS ARE FOR HORSES
FROGS PARKING ONLY...
ALL OTHERS WILL BE TOAD.
KEEP GRANDMA OFF THE STREETS...
SUPPORT BINGO!
WOMEN LIKE THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE... MEN!
LOVE IS GRAND...
DIVORCE IS TWENTY GRAND!
YOU'RE A PANE IN MY GLASS
WOMEN WHO SEEK TO BE EQUAL WITH MEN...
LACK AMBITION
STABLE RELATIONSHIPS ARE FOR HORSES
FROGS PARKING ONLY...
ALL OTHERS WILL BE TOAD.
KEEP GRANDMA OFF THE STREETS...
SUPPORT BINGO!
WOMEN LIKE THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE... MEN!
moreluck
golden ticket member
What Do I Owe You
The mine operator called the nearby state prison and asked them to send over a safecracker to open his jammed safe.
Soon a convict showed up, spun the dials, listened intently, and calmly opened the safe door.
"Well," said the mine operator, "what do you think I owe you?"
The prisoner said, "Uh, the last time I opened a safe, I got $25,000."
The mine operator called the nearby state prison and asked them to send over a safecracker to open his jammed safe.
Soon a convict showed up, spun the dials, listened intently, and calmly opened the safe door.
"Well," said the mine operator, "what do you think I owe you?"
The prisoner said, "Uh, the last time I opened a safe, I got $25,000."
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