One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal
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moreluck
golden ticket member
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing, it just let out a little whine.
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
What's the longest piece of furniture in the world? The multiplication table.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
An expert farmer is outstanding in his field.
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
What's the longest piece of furniture in the world? The multiplication table.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
An expert farmer is outstanding in his field.
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried it for a spell.
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
On the surface of things whales are always blowing it.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried it for a spell.
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
On the surface of things whales are always blowing it.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
moreluck
golden ticket member
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist.
How do you tickle a rich girl? Say "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"
What did the kid say when his mother poured oatmeal on him? "How can you be so gruel?"
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
My cavity wasn't fixed by my regular dentist, but by a guy who was filling in.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
How do you tickle a rich girl? Say "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"
What did the kid say when his mother poured oatmeal on him? "How can you be so gruel?"
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
My cavity wasn't fixed by my regular dentist, but by a guy who was filling in.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
moreluck
golden ticket member
What is the world's most popular wine? I don’t like Brussels sprouts.
What is the religion of a woman who had a sex-change operation. A HeThen
What musical is about a train conductor? "My Fare, Lady"
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Male deer have buck teeth.
What is the difference between a frog and a cat? A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive"
What is the religion of a woman who had a sex-change operation. A HeThen
What musical is about a train conductor? "My Fare, Lady"
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Male deer have buck teeth.
What is the difference between a frog and a cat? A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive"
UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
A neutron walks in to a bar and asks the bartender "How much for a beer"? The bartender says "For you....no charge".
moreluck
golden ticket member
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
When you lose something, why do you always find it in the last place you look? Because you stop looking as soon as you find it.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
What goes up into the air white and comes down yellow and white? An egg.
A male snake charmer married a female undertaker. Their bath towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse".
I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.
What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
When you lose something, why do you always find it in the last place you look? Because you stop looking as soon as you find it.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
What goes up into the air white and comes down yellow and white? An egg.
A male snake charmer married a female undertaker. Their bath towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse".
I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.
What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
moreluck
golden ticket member
What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis? A hoarse doctor.
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
Why did the blonde throw butter out a window? She wanted to see a butterfly.
Once upon a time, a tribe of cannibals caught a saint sent to them as a missionary and ate him. He was very tender and tasty, yet they were all violently sick afterwards. It shows that you can't keep a good man down.
Why does lightning shock people? Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.
A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer ............ and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
What do you give a person with water on the brain? A tap on the head.
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
Why did the blonde throw butter out a window? She wanted to see a butterfly.
Once upon a time, a tribe of cannibals caught a saint sent to them as a missionary and ate him. He was very tender and tasty, yet they were all violently sick afterwards. It shows that you can't keep a good man down.
Why does lightning shock people? Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.
A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer ............ and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
What do you give a person with water on the brain? A tap on the head.
CaliforniaPaul
Well-Known Member
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle?
PT Stewie
"Big Fella"
A little long but a blast from my past ......
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done.
a-k-a-"Sister Mary Penguin!"
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night
(you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers...... And then there are educators!
If Sister Mary ran for office I would vote for her!
Don't mess with a nun, they are wicked smart!!
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done.
a-k-a-"Sister Mary Penguin!"
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night
(you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers...... And then there are educators!
If Sister Mary ran for office I would vote for her!
Don't mess with a nun, they are wicked smart!!
moreluck
golden ticket member
A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
What goes "Ha, ha, ha, plop"? A man laughing his head off.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
What would you get if you crossed a pigeon and a general? A military coo.
What's the motto of the ghoul's convention? The morgue the merrier.
They arrested the monkey for throwing Rhesus feces at zoo attendants.His charge? Turd debris assault.
What is the difference between a unicorn and lettuce? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
What goes "Ha, ha, ha, plop"? A man laughing his head off.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
What would you get if you crossed a pigeon and a general? A military coo.
What's the motto of the ghoul's convention? The morgue the merrier.
They arrested the monkey for throwing Rhesus feces at zoo attendants.His charge? Turd debris assault.
What is the difference between a unicorn and lettuce? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
moreluck
golden ticket member
New Collection from Paul Ogden
- Acupuncture, n. a jab well done.
- Adult, n. a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
- Beauty Parlor, n. A place where women curl up and dye.
- Cannibal, n. Someone who is fed up with people.
- Chicken, n.The only animal we eat before it is born and after it is dead.
- Committee, n. A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
- Dust, n. Mud with the juice squeezed out.
- Egotist, n. Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
- Handkerchief, n. Cold storage.
- Inflation, n. Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
- Mosquito, n. An insect that makes you like flies better.
- Raisin, n. A grape with a sunburn.
- Secret, n. Something you tell to one person at a time.
- Skeleton, n. A collection of bones with the person scraped off.
- Toothache, n. The pain that drives you to extraction.
- Tomorrow, n. One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
- Yawn, n. An honest opinion openly expressed.
- Wrinkle, n. Something other people have; I have character lines.
moreluck
golden ticket member
He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.
Why do cows wear cowbells? Because their horns don't work.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
What must you know to be an auctioneer? Lots.
What did the Mexican fireman name his twin sons? Hose A and Hose B.
What do you call two people in an ambulance? A pair of medics.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Why do cows wear cowbells? Because their horns don't work.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
What must you know to be an auctioneer? Lots.
What did the Mexican fireman name his twin sons? Hose A and Hose B.
What do you call two people in an ambulance? A pair of medics.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
moreluck
golden ticket member
A lawyer asked his dentist to give him a retainer.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.
The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
Old professors never die, they just lose their class.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Who runs the Keebler elves' answering service? The Tree-ceptionist.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.
The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
Old professors never die, they just lose their class.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Who runs the Keebler elves' answering service? The Tree-ceptionist.
moreluck
golden ticket member
They arrested the bartender for taking liquor home. I believe the official charge was "emboozlement."
Why isn't whispering permitted in class? Because it's not aloud.
What kind of tree do fingers grow on? A palm tree.
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."
How about the man who ran through a screen door? He strained himself.
What's Irish and sits in the sun? Paddy O'Furniture.
What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
When she got married, she got a new name and a dress.
Why isn't whispering permitted in class? Because it's not aloud.
What kind of tree do fingers grow on? A palm tree.
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."
How about the man who ran through a screen door? He strained himself.
What's Irish and sits in the sun? Paddy O'Furniture.
What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
When she got married, she got a new name and a dress.
moreluck
golden ticket member
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
What does a spy do when he gets cold? He goes undercover.
Some river valleys are absolutely gorges.
What is the difference between a knight and Santa's reindeer? One slays the dragon and the other is draggin' the sleigh.
When a clock is still hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
What does a spy do when he gets cold? He goes undercover.
Some river valleys are absolutely gorges.
What is the difference between a knight and Santa's reindeer? One slays the dragon and the other is draggin' the sleigh.
When a clock is still hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
moreluck
golden ticket member
New Meanings for alphaDictionary Good Words
- Abasement, n. Where the furnace is located.
- Barbarian, adj. Belonging or related to Barbara.
- Hegemony, n. Blending your hedgerow into your neighbor's.
- Humdinger, n. The sound a grandfather's clock makes before striking.
- Physique, n. The opposite of mystique.
- Scurrilous, adj. In an excited state (said of mice and the like).
- Copacetic, n. A relaxant that helps you cope.
- Oxymoron, n. Someone who is as dumb as an ox.
- Incommodius, adj. Unable to get to find a vacant bathroom in time.
- Infantry n. The kid's room.
- Jaywalk, v. Walk like a colorful bird.
- Malediction, n. The way men talk.
moreluck
golden ticket member
I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
They arrested the former chewing gum manufacturer for unlicensed ex-spearmints.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
They arrested the former chewing gum manufacturer for unlicensed ex-spearmints.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
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