One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal
- Thread starter moreluck
- Start date
moreluck
golden ticket member
What do you call a musician who steals sheet music? A clef-to maniac.
Adele - Bohemia, NY
Some cardinals got their feathers ruffled when the pope gave away the church's nest egg to the poor.
Randy - Defiance, OH
When the doctor asked the editor how he was doing, he said he had a problem with his circulation.
Bill G - Central NJ
I'm not very versed in writing songs, so I refrain from doing it.
The Awkward Punster
Drivers who speed in the snow often find themselves adrift.
jdavis
Adele - Bohemia, NY
Some cardinals got their feathers ruffled when the pope gave away the church's nest egg to the poor.
Randy - Defiance, OH
When the doctor asked the editor how he was doing, he said he had a problem with his circulation.
Bill G - Central NJ
I'm not very versed in writing songs, so I refrain from doing it.
The Awkward Punster
Drivers who speed in the snow often find themselves adrift.
jdavis
moreluck
golden ticket member
I thought I packed a memory card for my camera, but I forgot it.
Adele - Bohemia, NY
'Volts' - the dance you perform after an electric shock.
Shanti Swarup - India
This year I made my Christmas wreath out of Franklin Fir branches. I really like a wreath of Franklin.
Dave P - Florida
We're expecting fallout from the recent layoffs at the nuclear plant.
Toycoon - Skokie
I simply must find a new podiatrist. My podiatrist has developed such a callus attitude.
Adele - Bohemia, NY
'Volts' - the dance you perform after an electric shock.
Shanti Swarup - India
This year I made my Christmas wreath out of Franklin Fir branches. I really like a wreath of Franklin.
Dave P - Florida
We're expecting fallout from the recent layoffs at the nuclear plant.
Toycoon - Skokie
I simply must find a new podiatrist. My podiatrist has developed such a callus attitude.
moreluck
golden ticket member
When the Aztec warrior was about to be punished severely, he was so sad he was disheartened.
Joseph Leff - Florida
Yesterday my fridge thought it was a microwave, so we got into a heated fight. But we're cool now.
Dayton Ulland
No yelling on weekdays if you eat my dessert, but I scream Sunday.
Kap'n Klystron - Newburgh, NY
Luridly sailing by the clock on a sea of mucus is a phlegmbuoyant pastime.
Kap'n Klystron - Newburgh, NY
The best floor exercise gymnasts come from Palm Springs.
TimTamMan - Kingston Ontario
The roulette dealer had a unique personality. He had a different spin on everything.
Hyla Hope Harder - Oklahoma
When the spammer's computer exploded, it blew him to kingdom.com.
Joseph Leff - Florida
Yesterday my fridge thought it was a microwave, so we got into a heated fight. But we're cool now.
Dayton Ulland
No yelling on weekdays if you eat my dessert, but I scream Sunday.
Kap'n Klystron - Newburgh, NY
Luridly sailing by the clock on a sea of mucus is a phlegmbuoyant pastime.
Kap'n Klystron - Newburgh, NY
The best floor exercise gymnasts come from Palm Springs.
TimTamMan - Kingston Ontario
The roulette dealer had a unique personality. He had a different spin on everything.
Hyla Hope Harder - Oklahoma
When the spammer's computer exploded, it blew him to kingdom.com.
moreluck
golden ticket member
He thinks octopi are creepy, and he makes no bones about it.
Bob - Corvallis, OR
I have invented crockery that comes to me when I whistle. My cup runneth over.
Phil - London
The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
Randy - Defiance, OH
Classical music is better than Mozart forms.
@punsfocash
I wanted to bring a penguin home but my parents said that wasn't going to fly.
Bob - Corvallis, OR
I have invented crockery that comes to me when I whistle. My cup runneth over.
Phil - London
The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
Randy - Defiance, OH
Classical music is better than Mozart forms.
@punsfocash
I wanted to bring a penguin home but my parents said that wasn't going to fly.
moreluck
golden ticket member
I thought Santa was going to be late, but he arrived in the Nick of time.
SGT Snorkel - Iowa
I was scrambling for another egg joke, but I can't seem to whip one up. Guess I'm a bit fried.
Banjo pun Beethoven - Neverland
When asked what it takes to be a great cook the chef said that it boils down to beating the other chefs to the cutting edge recipes.
Randy - Defiance, OH
I really regretted the inconsiderate comment I made. It was rued.
SGT Snorkel - Iowa
A weeknight is a tiny nobleman.
SGT Snorkel - Iowa
I was scrambling for another egg joke, but I can't seem to whip one up. Guess I'm a bit fried.
Banjo pun Beethoven - Neverland
When asked what it takes to be a great cook the chef said that it boils down to beating the other chefs to the cutting edge recipes.
Randy - Defiance, OH
I really regretted the inconsiderate comment I made. It was rued.
SGT Snorkel - Iowa
A weeknight is a tiny nobleman.
moreluck
golden ticket member
I heard about this new governing document that says people can only go to the bathroom one per day. It's called the Constipation.
Did you hear about the lost sausage? It was the missing link.
Albert - St. Petersburg, Florida
I used to enjoy steak and cheese with my eggs, but it's all ova now.
Kap'n Klystron - Newburgh, NY
The nudist was acquitted of indecent exposure because nobody could pin the wrap on her.
Kap'n Klystron - Newburgh, NY
.Primate grandmothers look stylish in a baboonshka.
Kap'n Klystron - Newburgh, NY
Dermatologists are very competitive. They all have skin in the game.
Papa Pete - Texas Hill Country
.My skiing skills are really going downhill.
Did you hear about the lost sausage? It was the missing link.
Albert - St. Petersburg, Florida
I used to enjoy steak and cheese with my eggs, but it's all ova now.
Kap'n Klystron - Newburgh, NY
The nudist was acquitted of indecent exposure because nobody could pin the wrap on her.
Kap'n Klystron - Newburgh, NY
.Primate grandmothers look stylish in a baboonshka.
Kap'n Klystron - Newburgh, NY
Dermatologists are very competitive. They all have skin in the game.
Papa Pete - Texas Hill Country
.My skiing skills are really going downhill.
moreluck
golden ticket member
moreluck
golden ticket member
Dermatologists are very competitive. They all have skin in the game.
Papa Pete - Texas Hill Country.
My skiing skills are really going downhill.
Have you heard the joke about the bomb? It had no impact.
Nick Cahill - Australia
Shakespeare had to get his act together to finish his play.
surya
Papa Pete - Texas Hill Country.
My skiing skills are really going downhill.
Have you heard the joke about the bomb? It had no impact.
Nick Cahill - Australia
Shakespeare had to get his act together to finish his play.
surya
moreluck
golden ticket member
The electrician worked hard to get in shape so he could perform with Circuit Soleil.
Randy - Defiance, OH
Astral projection to church is mass tranceportation.
Kap'n Klystron - Newburgh, NY
How does a card player party? They shuffle.
Cam - Fall River
The geologist went to the doctor because he had a loss of apatite.
Adele - Bohemia, NY
While practicing the drums in the bassment, the boy fell, hit his head, and got a percussion.
Randy - Defiance, OH
Astral projection to church is mass tranceportation.
Kap'n Klystron - Newburgh, NY
How does a card player party? They shuffle.
Cam - Fall River
The geologist went to the doctor because he had a loss of apatite.
Adele - Bohemia, NY
While practicing the drums in the bassment, the boy fell, hit his head, and got a percussion.
moreluck
golden ticket member
If you try and steal some meat from someone at a restaurant, a schnitzel tell on you.
Dominc White - Germany
I tried to look up impotence on the Internet but nothing came up.
Workers in an upholstery business demanded a wage hike to cushion the high cost of living.
Sivanandan - Sydney
The cartoon animator felt imprisoned by his job. He could not free himself from his cel.
RJS - New Zealand
The coin artist promised he'll change his profession to something noteworthy.
Voke - Port Harcourt, NG
Dominc White - Germany
I tried to look up impotence on the Internet but nothing came up.
Workers in an upholstery business demanded a wage hike to cushion the high cost of living.
Sivanandan - Sydney
The cartoon animator felt imprisoned by his job. He could not free himself from his cel.
RJS - New Zealand
The coin artist promised he'll change his profession to something noteworthy.
Voke - Port Harcourt, NG
moreluck
golden ticket member
The coin artist promised he'll change his profession to something noteworthy.
Voke - Port Harcourt, NG
What happened to the rich guy with the double chin? He made a four chin.
Fortune - Stockton, Ca
Why did the agricultural presentation go so smoothly? They planted questions.
Stinky
Guerrilla warfare is more than just throwing a banana.
Some doting parents are son worshipers
Voke - Port Harcourt, NG
What happened to the rich guy with the double chin? He made a four chin.
Fortune - Stockton, Ca
Why did the agricultural presentation go so smoothly? They planted questions.
Stinky
Guerrilla warfare is more than just throwing a banana.
Some doting parents are son worshipers
moreluck
golden ticket member
If a fraternity open a coffee shop they would specialize in fratacinno.
Jim - Indianapolis
When I suffered a groin injury I became quite testy.
Toycoon - Skokie
We should make a beer commercial. It sounds simply intoxicating.
Valiant Reuben - Your Heart
When the investor came home from work he was spent.
The boy who got electrocuted was unable to give a statement because he was still shocked at the incident.
Prince - South Africa
The marine biology student took a math course called algae-bra.
Jim - Indianapolis
When I suffered a groin injury I became quite testy.
Toycoon - Skokie
We should make a beer commercial. It sounds simply intoxicating.
Valiant Reuben - Your Heart
When the investor came home from work he was spent.
The boy who got electrocuted was unable to give a statement because he was still shocked at the incident.
Prince - South Africa
The marine biology student took a math course called algae-bra.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Questions:
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
moreluck
golden ticket member
The feather dancer was rushed to the hospital. Her boa constricted her.
Wordsworth - California
Always trust a glue salesman. They tend to stick to their word.
A car can't make you high, but can a bus?
SGT Snorkel - Iowa
The cat burglar was accused of felineous intent.
Michael - Auckland, New Zealand
I can't think of any kayak brands, canoe?
Wordsworth - California
Always trust a glue salesman. They tend to stick to their word.
A car can't make you high, but can a bus?
SGT Snorkel - Iowa
The cat burglar was accused of felineous intent.
Michael - Auckland, New Zealand
I can't think of any kayak brands, canoe?
moreluck
golden ticket member
Great Golfisms.....
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead
You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen. ~ Lee Trevino
I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. ~ George Brett
Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray
The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner
I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Weis
Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino
My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny
There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan
Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus
The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~ H G Wells
I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henny Youngman
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevin
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead
You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen. ~ Lee Trevino
I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. ~ George Brett
Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray
The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner
I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Weis
Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino
My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny
There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan
Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus
The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~ H G Wells
I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henny Youngman
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevin
moreluck
golden ticket member
Since I've taken the job in The Everglades I've been swamped!
Toycoon - Skokie
The crusty, ill-tempered baker was a scone's throw from becoming toast.
Kap'n Klystron - Newburgh, NY
To make sure cargo trucks aren't too heavy, police operate on the principle that where there's a wheel there's a weigh.
Bob - Corvallis, OR
Toycoon - Skokie
The crusty, ill-tempered baker was a scone's throw from becoming toast.
Kap'n Klystron - Newburgh, NY
To make sure cargo trucks aren't too heavy, police operate on the principle that where there's a wheel there's a weigh.
Bob - Corvallis, OR
moreluck
golden ticket member
The pilot was a loner but even for him flying a drone was just too remote.
Hyla Hope Harder - Oklahoma
I suspected our new house guest was a terrorist. He asked to sleep on a blow up mattress.
Toycoon - Skokie
When my granddaughter lost her baby molar she was demolarised and brushed the tooth fairy claim.
Sivanandan - Sydney
Back in the days when the guillotine was first used, people wondered, is this what we may beheaded for in the future?
Gordon - Maryland
I told the psychiatrist that I was afraid of strangers talking about the founder of stoicism. He said I had zenophobia.
SGT Snorkel - Iowa
A tennis exponent always has a gut feeling beforehand that he will beat his opponent.
Sivanandan - Sydney
.As a drug counselor, I get clients by refeeral.
Hyla Hope Harder - Oklahoma
I suspected our new house guest was a terrorist. He asked to sleep on a blow up mattress.
Toycoon - Skokie
When my granddaughter lost her baby molar she was demolarised and brushed the tooth fairy claim.
Sivanandan - Sydney
Back in the days when the guillotine was first used, people wondered, is this what we may beheaded for in the future?
Gordon - Maryland
I told the psychiatrist that I was afraid of strangers talking about the founder of stoicism. He said I had zenophobia.
SGT Snorkel - Iowa
A tennis exponent always has a gut feeling beforehand that he will beat his opponent.
Sivanandan - Sydney
.As a drug counselor, I get clients by refeeral.
moreluck
golden ticket member
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
Peterthewiz - Sweden
I love you mower today than yesterday, but not as mulch as tomorrow.
Lawn Mower - Montreal, Qc
Did you hear about the man who was jabbed in the back with a set of keys? His back locked up.
Steve Ryan - Melbourne
The international jewel thieves were hard to catch because they had a good ring leader.
Hyla Hope Harder - Oklahoma
When the snake charmer wanted to get dressed up, she put on an extra garter.
Hyla Hope Harder - Oklahoma
The hotel chef was noted for his tomfoolery and his capers.
Peterthewiz - Sweden
I love you mower today than yesterday, but not as mulch as tomorrow.
Lawn Mower - Montreal, Qc
Did you hear about the man who was jabbed in the back with a set of keys? His back locked up.
Steve Ryan - Melbourne
The international jewel thieves were hard to catch because they had a good ring leader.
Hyla Hope Harder - Oklahoma
When the snake charmer wanted to get dressed up, she put on an extra garter.
Hyla Hope Harder - Oklahoma
The hotel chef was noted for his tomfoolery and his capers.
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