One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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Women And Golf 2 women were playing golf. On the third hole there was a 4 men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway.
The first woman said i'll tee off he is far enough away. She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly. He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs.
She ran to him, apologizing and saying "let me help I am a physical therapist." He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him.
"How does that feel?" she asked. He said, "Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

 

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A new poll shows that 46% want George Stephanopoulos banned from campaign coverage for being a secret Clinton donor. The rest said they'd be ok if he'd just lose the skirt & pom-poms.
~Fred Thompson~

 

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I'm a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, "Why did you choose this breed?"

My client responded, "I often ask myself this very same question."

 

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What Ever Happened

One day at a family reunion, the grandparents were reminiscing.

The grandfather remarked, "I wonder what ever happened to the old-fashioned girls who fainted when a man kissed them."

The Grandmother gave him a withering look, "What I'd like to know," she said, "is what happened to the old-fashioned men who made them faint!"

 

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Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret.

 

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I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high . She looked surprised. ~Adam Smargon~

 

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At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted ? ~Zach Galfianakis~

 

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What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon ? ~JerrySeinfeld~

 

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A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 8 bucks an hour starting today and in three months, I'll raise it to 10 bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"
"In 3 months."

 

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“There is something missing from my flower bouquet she said lackadaiscally.”

 

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A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear. He says, “What is wrong with me?
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”

 

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"How are you getting along with trying to date that new co-worker?"

"Not so bad. I'm getting some encouragement now."

"Really? Is she beginning to smile sweetly at you or something?"

"Not exactly, but last night, she said she's said no for the last time."

 

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How Did You Manage

"I've just had the most awful time. First, I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics and to top it all off, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

"Wow! How did you ever manage to pull through?"

"I don't know. It was the toughest spelling test I ever had."

 

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“I tripped and cut my leg at a diner, people laughed at me but then the waitress fell on me adding in salt to injury.”

 

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

A new report shows that a new billionaire is created in China every week. So, both capitalism AND communism create income disparity? That liberal playbook is getting complicated.

During a graduation speech, Michelle Obama told students to "shape the revolutions of your time". Wow. She's lucky they didn't respond by pelting her with tofu-burgers.

During an interview on MSNBC, Nancy Pelosi said of fighting ISIS that we must fight them on "the front of social media". Yes. Preferably by drone-striking the computers they're sitting in front of.

Senior citizens in one retirement home now have the option of taking an exercise class that's taught by a 22-inch humanoid robot. After a couple years of Obamacare, he'll probably be their doctor.

While speaking in South Carolina, Hillary Clinton affected a noticeable Southern accent. Wish I could be there when they set that first bowl of chitlins in front of her.

During a speech in South Carolina, Hillary Clinton said her presidency: will "restore faith and confidence and optimism in the future of the country we love". All we have to do now is check the Bill and Hillary donor list and find out which country she's talking about.


-- Fred Thompson

 

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Mellowing mother...
I have five siblings . . . three sisters and two brothers.
One night I was chatting with my mom about how she had changed as a mother from her first child to her last.
She told me she really had mellowed quite a lot over the years . . .
"When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."

 

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One spelling mistake can destroy your life!
A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word...
"I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her..!"

 

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My creative wife enjoys doing crafts, such as making potpourri boxes decorated with ribbon and lace. Sometimes she gets so involved that she disappears into her upstairs craft room for hours, forgetting about more mundane things, like making dinner.

One evening, I arrived home to find the kitchen empty again. But this time, I found a note that said, "Warning! Small craft advisory. Order us a pizza!"

 

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My wife and I were making our own funeral arrangements and the director showed us into a room in which containers for ashes were on display.

After we looked at the choices, I asked my wife if she had decided.

She sighed, "Yes, the wood-finish one, as it will likely go into the ground."

After a moment's pause, however, she continued, "But I really prefer the blue one. You know I always look good in blue!"