One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

What has ten teeth and is thirty feet long? Answer: The front row of a Willie Nelson Concert....

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Pee Wee's Playhouse- we learned more about his "playhouse" as time went on.

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

A telephone rang, and someone picked it up.
A voice from the other side said, "Is your number 444 444 44?"
"Yes," came the reply.
"Could you call 911? My finger is stuck on the phone."

 

[Wally]

Why are their no refunds at the movies? The movie sucks, they know this and yet provided no warning?

 

[moreluck]

“My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.”

 

[moreluck]

A Collection Of Insults....

Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?

I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?

You have an inferiority complex -- and it's fully justified.

You are not as bad as people say -- you are worse!

Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

Whom am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What's your name?

. Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.

You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.

You are living proof of reincarnation. No one could possibly get to be so stupid in just one lifetime.

You grow on people -- like a wart!

 

[moreluck]

broke up with my girlfriend who had a lazy eye

Turns out she was seeing someone on the side.

 

[moreluck]

“I visited an acupuncturist today. I was done in under an hour, he was quick and to the point.”

 

[moreluck]

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.

 

[moreluck]

Why didn't anyone hear Helen Keller fall off a cliff? She had mittens on.

 

[moreluck]

Women with beautiful hands advertise bracelets, rings, nail polish.
Women with beautiful legs advertise stockings, tights, shoes.
Women with beautiful br**sts advertise bras, swimsuits, T-shirts, cars, washing machines, computer games, candy, furniture .........

 

[moreluck]

I phoned a local restaurant to ask if it was on the north or south side of Main Street. The person on the other end answered, "That depends on which direction you're coming from."

 

[moreluck]

“Pocket bread stuffed with pocket bread makes a pitaful excuse for a sandwich.”

 

[moreluck]

Jim Gaffigan: Bottled Water
How did we get to the point where were paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guys sitting there, like, How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.

 

[moreluck]

When things get Greece-y, I say “E-U.”

 

[moreluck]

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

 

[moreluck]

Broke up with my blind girlfriend. She didn't see it coming

 

[moreluck]

A gentleman was lured into a busy florist shop by a large sign in the window that read, "Say It With Flowers."
"Wrap up one rose," he told the florist.
"Only one?" the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."