One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.

 

[moreluck]

What do you call a pig that does Karate?

Pork Chop

 

[moreluck]

“The royal family moved into my neighborhood. They live Tudors down.”

 

[moreluck]

When are amphibians cutest? When they're toaddlers. They're cute right from the gecko.

 

[moreluck]

My sister's a personal trainer. Thats a tough job. I dont think I can do that. You gotta help people with their fitness goals. Can you help me define my abs? Yeah -- disgusting, sloppy, gelatinous.

 

[moreluck]

“A novice skier often jumps to contusions.”

 

[moreluck]

“I know a mathematician who could not afford to buy lunch. He could binomial.”

 

[moreluck]

Mrs. Donnell said to her maid: "Oh Mary, I suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."

"I don't believe it," Mary snapped: "you're just saying that to make me jealous."

 

[moreluck]

I joined a softball team, which I thought was a great idea... but the guys on my team are crazy. These guys show up to games -- slow pitch softball games -- with cleats, stirrups, the Barry Bonds arm guards on, the black crap under their eyes. Im like, Fellas, the ball is this big. If you cant see it, you probably shouldnt have driven to the game today.

 

[moreluck]

My friend died from a bee sting. Histaminer suddenly changed. Too bad, swell guy, but it wasn't anaph to save him. At least the puffins didn't get him.

 

[moreluck]

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time....
"Class," he said, "my name begins with the letter 'M,' and I pick up things....What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."

 

[moreluck]

After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

 

[moreluck]

“After eating the ship, the sea monster needed an Alka-Seltzer. He said, 'I can't believe I ate the hull thing.'”

 

[moreluck]

“I've heard about the rumors that I keep vats of acid at my home, but they're lyes -- all lyes!”

 

[moreluck]

My dad is retired now, and he moved to Florida. And its really great to be able to finally go down and visit him now that hes finally able to do those things in life that hes always wanted to do, which apparently is start drinking at noon and then head on out to buy me ugly shirts.

 

[moreluck]

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit theblasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

 

[moreluck]

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

 

[moreluck]

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What's the difference between your job and your new wife? After a year your job still sucks.

 

[moreluck]

What’s the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.