Discussion in 'Lighten UPS' started by tourists24, Oct 23, 2011.
Damn, didn't see that coming! (no secondary pun )
The Divorce Lawyer
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband, a divorce lawyer, suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice, "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
The husband, knowing how to get the upper hand in a divorce proceeding, "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he says with derision. "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.
When your wife, your girlfriend, and your mortgage are all late.
That's not good!
Is that Sandra Fluke??
How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting too fat?
When she starts wearing your wifes clothes.
About 12 years ago I had a pickup at this place and the lady that ran it looked kinda like the wicked witch of the west.She was a bitch.She had pictures of her dog all over her desk.
I walk in one day and she has the dog in her arms.
I don't know why I said it,but I said,Hey, you brought your son to work...
Man...I'll never forget that look...
I delivered to a beauty supply store and the 2 ladies working there were morbidly obese wearing an obscene amount of makeup. Plus they both had the fakest, orangest tans Ive ever seen with the fakest bleach blonde hair. They were both around 45 and were trying to dress like skinny 18 year olds. They looked RIDICULOUS and I couldn't stop laughing. The worst part was one of them was hitting on me and it was just unbearable.
Except for the fatness, I had a Tammy Faye Baker flashback!
Im not even joking, they had this much makeup on.
I miss you, Mimi !!
That eyeshadow should be outlawed!
That particular color is called Trailer Park Blue.
...and is currently on display at the cosmetics counter at Walmart...
I have to go to WalMart if I want to check out the new 'Skinny Girl' cosmetics. I'm there !!!
Separate names with a comma.