MrFedEx
Engorged Member
Dear Team Members and Valued Customers,
I have been informed that the media has been spreading lies that FedEx might not be able to deliver Christmas packages for up to several weeks after December 25th. These are terrible lies, masterminded by Communists and space aliens who want to tarnish the image of FedEx. In fact, it has been proven that the dictator/leader of North Korea has hatched a plot to hack the media and make FedEx look bad, all so he can make money from his investments in UPS.
If we were to ever have even one late package, I would commit ritual suicide live on national television to take personal blame for my shame. I assure you that every single FedEx Ground, Express, and Freight package will be delivered on-time or your money not back, because we suspend this guarantee during our Peak season for your protection.
If we were to hypothetically have late packages it could be due to our very mild winter. We were prepared for snow in major markets like New York City and Chicago. The fact that it is could reach 72 degrees in New York tomorrow and 60 in Chicago could wreak havoc with operations. You see, better weather actually slows us down when we are prepared for bad weather. Our planes cannot land in good weather when the North Koreans have sabotaged them so they can only land in snowy weather.
In areas where the weather is bad, it's possible we could hypothetically have late packages due to us being prepared for sunny, warm weather instead. For example, the heavy snows in the mountain West are an anomaly, because the average December temperature in the High Sierras and Cascade Mountains is 85 degrees.
No matter what, you can be assured that little Johnny or Cindy will get their special gift from Santa, absolutely, positively, ON-TIME (even if it's a phone call from us telling you we don't even know where the Hell your package is), and in PERFECT condition ( does not apply if your package is wet, smashed, crushed, torn, toasted, burned, mutilated. peed-on, chewed, or round when it is supposed to be square). For details, please call our Mumbai call center at 1-800 God Help Us We are So Effed-up, and Sinduja, Baba, or "Sam" will be happy to answer your questions with lies, that is, if you can even understand them. No matter what, FedEx will deliver, even if it's only an excuse or a virtual gift, which you can view at FedExSucks.com just in case your real package never arrives, which could never, ever happen. Just in case, you can pick from thousands of gift images that will keep you satisfied until your real package arrives...someday. Which could be on-time, but probably not, and maybe even 2 weeks from now!
I need to talk now about "Acts of God". We all believe in God, right? After all, He's the one that made me so filthy rich and decreed that I should pay my employees practically nothing and work them like slaves....err. Anyway, any potential, hypothetical, virtual delays are all Acts of God, up to an including everything you can think of. If you can't think of it, our lawyers have, and none of you are getting a penny from me!! It's MINE, ALL MINE!!
The media is lying to you, and I'm your father Luke, and it's time for me to take some more Thorazine.
Merry Effing Christmas,
Frederick W. Smith
Supreme Fuhrer of The FedEx Empire
P.S. Every single FedEx package is as precious to me as a newborn child.
I have been informed that the media has been spreading lies that FedEx might not be able to deliver Christmas packages for up to several weeks after December 25th. These are terrible lies, masterminded by Communists and space aliens who want to tarnish the image of FedEx. In fact, it has been proven that the dictator/leader of North Korea has hatched a plot to hack the media and make FedEx look bad, all so he can make money from his investments in UPS.
If we were to ever have even one late package, I would commit ritual suicide live on national television to take personal blame for my shame. I assure you that every single FedEx Ground, Express, and Freight package will be delivered on-time or your money not back, because we suspend this guarantee during our Peak season for your protection.
If we were to hypothetically have late packages it could be due to our very mild winter. We were prepared for snow in major markets like New York City and Chicago. The fact that it is could reach 72 degrees in New York tomorrow and 60 in Chicago could wreak havoc with operations. You see, better weather actually slows us down when we are prepared for bad weather. Our planes cannot land in good weather when the North Koreans have sabotaged them so they can only land in snowy weather.
In areas where the weather is bad, it's possible we could hypothetically have late packages due to us being prepared for sunny, warm weather instead. For example, the heavy snows in the mountain West are an anomaly, because the average December temperature in the High Sierras and Cascade Mountains is 85 degrees.
No matter what, you can be assured that little Johnny or Cindy will get their special gift from Santa, absolutely, positively, ON-TIME (even if it's a phone call from us telling you we don't even know where the Hell your package is), and in PERFECT condition ( does not apply if your package is wet, smashed, crushed, torn, toasted, burned, mutilated. peed-on, chewed, or round when it is supposed to be square). For details, please call our Mumbai call center at 1-800 God Help Us We are So Effed-up, and Sinduja, Baba, or "Sam" will be happy to answer your questions with lies, that is, if you can even understand them. No matter what, FedEx will deliver, even if it's only an excuse or a virtual gift, which you can view at FedExSucks.com just in case your real package never arrives, which could never, ever happen. Just in case, you can pick from thousands of gift images that will keep you satisfied until your real package arrives...someday. Which could be on-time, but probably not, and maybe even 2 weeks from now!
I need to talk now about "Acts of God". We all believe in God, right? After all, He's the one that made me so filthy rich and decreed that I should pay my employees practically nothing and work them like slaves....err. Anyway, any potential, hypothetical, virtual delays are all Acts of God, up to an including everything you can think of. If you can't think of it, our lawyers have, and none of you are getting a penny from me!! It's MINE, ALL MINE!!
The media is lying to you, and I'm your father Luke, and it's time for me to take some more Thorazine.
Merry Effing Christmas,
Frederick W. Smith
Supreme Fuhrer of The FedEx Empire
P.S. Every single FedEx package is as precious to me as a newborn child.
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