Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Witness

The prosecuting attorney approached the witness. "Do you happen to know any of the people you see in the jury box?"

The witness looked them over and thought carefully before replying. "Yes, I know more than half of them."

"Keep in mind the solemn oath you have made before this court," continued the attorney. "Can you swear that you know more than half of them?"

"Why, I most certainly can!" the witness fired back. "In fact, I'll swear I know more than all of them put together!"

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

The cop was on the witness stand. "I could see him in the middle of the road on his hands and knees."

"Your honor," interrupted the lawyer. "Just because a man is in the middle of the road on his hands and knees at midnight is no sign that he is drunk."

"What the attorney says is quite true," agreed the cop. "But the defendant was trying to roll up the while line."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Bumper Stickers

If you always take time to stop and smell the roses... sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Procrastinators Unite!... Tomorrow

Dyslexics Untie!

(On the back of a VW beetle...) When I grow up, I want to be a Porsche!

Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left.

43% of all statistics are useless.

I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?

I'm in shape... round's a shape isn't it?

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put It In Reverse?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why do they call apartments "apartments" when they are built together?

If crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, then what do freedom fighters fight?

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Political Correctness For Kids​

• Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage-restrictive".
  
• Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps".
  
• You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome".
  
• No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced".
  
• You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective".
  
• You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal".
  
• It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual information".
  
• The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged".
  
• Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience"
  
• You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness"
  
• You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear".
  
• You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations".
  
• You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building".

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

You're Not Old Unless You Can Remember...​

• Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.
  
• When Kool-Aid was the only drink for kids, other than milk and sodas.
  
• When there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds & PF Flyers), and the only time you wore them at school, was for "gym."
  
• When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
  
• When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
  
• When nobody owned a purebred dog.
  
• When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a huge bonus.
  
• When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
  
• When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.
  
• When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
  
• When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday.
  
• When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking,..... for free, every time and you didn't pay for air. And you got trading stamps to boot!
  
• When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.
  
• When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
  
• When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.
  
• When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed...and did!
  
• When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
  
• When women were called, "Mrs. John Smith," instead of their own name.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

A doctor examined a patient with bruises all over his legs and asked, "Are those from horseback riding or softball?"

"Neither," the patient answered. "Bridge."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

A Poem for Moms and Dads


Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night, "Yes sir," the boy replied.

"And do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.

"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Pun-ny Ones.......

A steady income will help you keep your balance.

Californians are not without their faults.

When thimbles were invented, many people got stuck without one.

A good thing for a tired witch to do is to rest a spell.

Sign in an Egyptian funeral parlor: Satisfaction guaranteed, or your mummy back.

Paying for a gourmet dinner can be hard to swallow.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

HEADLINES from the year 2050:


"Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock"

"Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen"

"Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal Probes Were "Just For Fun"

"Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past With US President"

"Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor. "This Is True Love," He Beams."

"Cody, Cassidy Gifford Elude Authorities. Drug-Crazed Crime Spree Continues"

"President 'Bonecrusher' Jones to Face Chief Justice 'Mad Dog' Ortega In Cage Match"

"Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens"

"Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders"

"D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow"

"Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby's"

"Nursing Home Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy Striper's Allegations"

"Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges"

"Baby Conceived Naturally"

"50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss"

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Best Question of the day.....

"Why in the hell should I have to press one for English?"

 

[lostintransit]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Secret Burden: Bless me Father Gene. It's been a long, long time since my last confession, but I gotta tell someone.

I'd read about this popular online adult "swinger" site and my curiousity go the best of me. I my zip code into the search function because I was dying to see what kind of women actually belonged to such a site.

As I scrolled down, I came across this nude headless torso. I went onto the profile and then I went back to the photo and saw something familiar in the background. It suddenly clicked -- it was one of my wife's good friends "K". I'd always got the vibe that she wasn't very happy with her husband "B" who has kind of a nasty side.

I was so excited to have such a lascivious secret and then it dawned on me -- I couldn't tell a soul on earth:

-- I couldn't tell my wife since she would have taken the mere fact that I looked at such a site as utter betrayal. Moreover she would be angry for not gouging out my eyes for having looked at the photo of her nude friend.

-- I couldn't tell any other women that I know since they would condemn me for being a total perv that lurks about swinger sites.

-- I couldn't tell half of my guy friends since they would have lectured me about the slippery slope away from the straight and narrow that keeps a marriage strong.

-- I couldn't tell the other half of the guy friends since they would horn-dog in one her. Then if "B" found out what happened, I'd be responsible for the homicide of a good friend.

-- I definitely couldn't talk about it with "K" I know that I'm flirting with eternal damnation, but I can't help lusting in my heart when I mentally place her face on the nude torso.

My real concern, however, is that during the brief time that I was on the site that the NSA "hoovered up" my personal data and now I'm on some sort of secret national pervert look-out list. I'll never be able to get on an airplane again.

For the sin of having peeked, I am heartily sorry. Father Gene, what should I do for my penance?

Gene Weingarten: I believe you are paying your penance right now. You are alone with yourself, and this information. You are the poor slob who hits a hole in one when playing solo. As it were.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

People who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

"My wife and I have structured conversations...first, she gives me her opinion, then she gives me my opinion."

"A hot dog at the ballgame beats roast beef at the Ritz." (Humphrey Bogart)

Do speak words that get to the point without getting sharp.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

What Makes a Dad ?

God took the strength of a mountain,

The majesty of a tree,

The warmth of a summer sun,

The calm of a quiet sea,

The generous soul of nature,

The comforting arm of night,

The wisdom of the ages,

The power of the eagle's flight,

The joy of a morning in spring,

The faith of a mustard seed,

The patience of eternity,

The depth of a family need,

Then God combined these qualities, When there was nothing more to add, He knew His masterpiece was complete, And so, He called it ... Dad

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased with the card. It read "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."
*************
Judith Martin, famed for her syndicated Miss Manners newspaper column, received a letter from a reader asking, "Dear Miss Manners: What is the correct way to walk in high-heeled shoes?"

Her reply? "Gentle Reader: Left, right, left, right, left, right."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

Redneck Motto: Drink until she's beautiful, but if that doesn't work, put a flag over her head and do it for your country.

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

"Congratulations to Taylor Hicks; he won the other night. Taylor is the fifth winner of "American Idol." He now joins those immortal past winners: what's-her-name, that girl, that other blonde girl, and the chubby guy." --Jay Leno

"At the end of 'American Idol,' Ryan Seacrest announced that more than 63 million votes were cast, which is more than any president in U.S. history has ever received. In a related story, this morning Hillary Clinton bought a karaoke machine." --Conan O'Brien

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming"WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

Angel Wisdom....

Don't be so busy adding up your troubles that you forget to count your blessings.

The smallest deed done is greater than the best of intentions.

Love is a language that can be heard by the deaf and seen by the blind.

A house is made of wooden beams. A home is made of love and dreams.

To be a good friend open your ears and heart more often than your mouth.

People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.