Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

If It Makes You Sick...​

A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.
The next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book five-day cruise. The guy said, "I'll take it," and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book them on an eight-day cruise. The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

TOP 10 THINGS A TEENAGE DAUGHTER DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR FROM HER DAD

10. "Let me explain what 'deductible' means on car insurance."

9. "Your mom's almost ready. Where are we going on our double date?"

8. "Seems to me last year's prom dress still has some life in it."

7. "I signed us up for the pairs karaoke contest this Friday night."

6. "We ate possum toes like popcorn when I was a kid."

5. "Let's get ice cream, my treat! Just let me grab my jar of coins."

4. "I am proud that you decided to keep the family unibrow."

3. "You don't need to go shopping after all. I picked out a purse for you on my way home."

2. "I ran into Bobby at the grocery store. I told him that you're really hoping he'll ask you to the dance."

1. "By the way, I had to borrow your deodorant yesterday."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

MONEY TALKS ... but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!


"Don't criticize your wife.
If she were perfect, she would have married much better than you."


"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Fatal Things to Say If Your Wife is Pregnant​

• "I finished the Oreos."
• "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
  
• "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
  
• "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
  
• "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
  
• "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
  
• "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
  
• "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
  
• "Get your *own* ice cream."
  
• "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
  
• "Got milk?"
  
• "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
  
• "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger..."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

Whoever said "You can't take it with you" could never have seen my family pack for a vacation.

"What an automated society we live in. Have you ever noticed that when a traffic signal turns green, it automatically activates the horn of the car behind you? "

The first proof that man has reached Mars will come when he is notified that his suitcases went to Venus

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Marriage.......

She married him because he was such a "dominating man"; she divorced him because he was such a "dominating male."

He married her because she was so "fragile and petite"; he divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless."

She married him because "he knows how to provide a good living"; she divorced him because "all he thinks about is business."

He married her because "she reminds him of his mother"; he divorced her because "She's getting more like her mother every day."

She married him because he was "happy and romantic"; she divorced him because he was shiftless and fun-loving."

He married her because she was steady and sensible"; he divorced her because she was "boring and dull."

She married him because he was "the life of the party"; she divorced him because "he never wants to come home from a party."

 

[dannyboy]

Re: Heard any good ones?

The American Navy found they had too many officers and decided to
offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight
line between any
two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two
points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the
top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked
out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He
walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chie! friend
who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of
my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had
received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em,"
which he did.. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the
Chief's weenie and began to work back.

"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

"Nothing makes people go into debt like trying to keep up with people who already are. "

"A suburban mother's role is to deliver children: obstetrically once, and by car forever after. "

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Doggy Style

Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives.
The first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy-style."
"Doggy-style? Did she go for it?"
"I'll say we did it doggy-style. I sat up and begged, she rolled over and played dead."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Religion as Baseball...

Calvinists believe the game is fixed.

Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.

Quakers won't swing.

Unitarians can catch anything.

Amish walk a lot.

Pagans sacrifice.

Jehovah's Witnesses are thrown out often.

Televangelists get caught stealing.Episcopalians pass the plate.

Evangelicals make effective pitches.

Fundamentalists balk.

Adventists have a seventh-inning stretch.

Atheists refuse to have an Umpire.

Baptists want to play hardball.

Premillenialists expect the game to be called soon on account of darkness.

The Pope claims never to have committed an error.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

"Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning." (Bill Gates)


My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called 'Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.'" (Penelope Lombard)

"Most men do not mature, they simply grow taller."

"I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, "I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle." I brought Windex. " (Rodney Dangerfield )

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

"The lion tamer at the circus who steps into the cage full of lions impresses everybody except a school bus driver. "

The man who said, "Talk is cheap," never said, "I do."

"A lawyer is a man who gets two other men to strip for a fight and then takes their clothes."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Catholic in Chicago...

Growing up Catholic in Chicago, the best time to go to confession was during the Notre Dame SMU game. You could tell that priest anything. "I just killed my family. Well don't do it again my son." You could hear the game on in the background.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

Some people, no matter how old they get, never lose their beauty - they merely move it from their faces into their hearts.

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

Commitments are like flowers in a garden:
If you overplant, none will thrive.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

(Help-wanted ad)

Good hours, competitive salary, fun place to work, paid training, mean boss. Oh well, four out of five ain't bad.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Stewardess....

While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone.

There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off".

 

[scratch]

Re: Heard any good ones?

A man walks into a drug store and wants to see about buying some Viagra. He asks the pharmacist, "Will I be able to get it over the counter?".

The pharmacist looks at him and says, "Well, maybe if you take two or three of them you can".

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

On a first date, usually guys take you to a movie where you sit in the dark staring at a screen, not speaking to each other. Makes perfect sense, it prepares you for marriage.

When a man says, "We've got to talk," the woman hears, "We're going to have a nice conversation." When a woman says, "We've go to talk," a man hears, "Will the defendant please rise?"

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Argument....

My husband and I were in a heated argument that lasted over two hours, neither of us willing to give in.

Finally, I looked at him and said: "I only have one thing left to say, Lorena Bobbett only got six months!"

He stared at me, thinking for a few seconds, then replied: "Yeah? Well O.J. got off scott free!"