Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!' And, she's always sound asleep."

 

[moreluck]

A tough U.S. Marine sergeant got word that the father of one of his men had passed away. At roll call he snapped, "Hey, Smith, your father died!" The Marine fainted on the spot.
A week later the sister of another Marine died, and the sergeant once again called his men together. "Jones," he yelled out, "your sister died last night!" The Marine burst into tears.
Finally, word got back to the general about the sergeant's insensitivity, and he was called on the carpet and told to be less direct and gruff when one of his men suffered a tragedy.
A week later the sergeant was notified that Private Miller had just lost his mother.
Remembering what the general had said, he lined up his troop and ordered "Everyone whose mother is alive, please take one step forward - not so fast, Miller!"

 

[moreluck]

A student in medical school wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks.
"He suffers from Seminal Build-up Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."
The student takes some notes as they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, the student sees another patient, with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. "What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

 

[moreluck]

Housewives of ISIS

A clip from the BBC show “Revolting.” Borderline politically incorrect.
The hilarious clip driving British Muslims insane right now....

 

[moreluck]

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, " Well, I can top that, I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh !"

 

[moreluck]

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been going about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the officer says "Gee son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"

 

[moreluck]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth & a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.

"The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply all of your clothes.""Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the Daughter is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive.

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bull tin' me!

"The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . .you started it."

 

[moreluck]

A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.
"Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.
"No, but it's okay - I got the licence plate number!"

 

[moreluck]

Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
- Unknown

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
- Christopher Morley

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings

Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
- Holbrook Jackson

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.- Andrew A. Rooney

He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
- Unknown

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain

Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
- Smiley Blanton

I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
- John Steinbeck

 

[moreluck]

A man dies and goes to heaven when Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, “You need 1000 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all of the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item. When you reach 1000 points, you get in.”“Okay,” the man says, “I was happily married to the same woman for fifty years and never cheated on her, not even in my mind.”“That’s wonderful,” says Peter, “that’s worth two points!”“Two points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and gave my ten percent tithe faithfully.”“Terrific!” says Peter. “That’s definitely worth a point.”“One point? My goodness! Well, what about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for the homeless?”“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says.“TWO POINTS!” the man cries. “At this rate the only way I can get into heaven is by the grace of God!”“Now that’s what we’re looking for! Come on in!”

 

[moreluck]

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

 

[moreluck]

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: WHACK... "Damn!"
A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn!"... WHACK.

 

[moreluck]

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse speaker--
"Would the gentleman on the Ladies Tee please back up to the Men's Tee!"
Mike, still deep in his routine, seemed impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement--
"Would the man on the Ladies Tee kindly back up to the Men's tee, PLEASE!"
Mike had had enough. He turned and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"

 

[moreluck]

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

 

[moreluck]

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level

He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.' Inspired by the story, the doctor said, 'You must be one hell of an outdoors man!' 'NAH,' he replied, 'I'm just a ty golfer.'

 

[moreluck]

Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.
The women were arguing noisily even in the court.
The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them said, "We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all of you at once. I'll hear the oldest first."
The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

 

[moreluck]

A blond at a party was telling her friend that she was off men for life.
"They lie, they cheat and they're just no good. From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my vibrator."
"So, what when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.
"I'll just fake an orgasm like always."

 

[moreluck]

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Coke, and one to call, "Daaaddy!"

 

[moreluck]

The math teacher saw that Daphne wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on her and said, 'Daphne! What are 7 and 2, and 28 and 44?'
Daphne quickly replied, 'ABC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!'

 

[moreluck]

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay . . . NOW you're screwed."