Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes," the boy's mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.
"Who cares?" the mother replied.

 

[moreluck]

I realized my 17-year-old son was spoiled the day he called to his mother, "Ma, are the clothes I the dryer clean?"

 

[moreluck]

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor asked what the problem was.
"Well," said the man, "My wife and I aren't getting as much out of sex as we used to, doctor."
"How old are you, Mr Jones?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 87, doctor."
"And how old is your wife, Mr Jones?"
"She's 79, doctor."
"Just a minute," said the doctor, "You are 87 and your wife is 79 and you don't think you are getting as much out of sex as you used to?"
"That's right, doctor."
"When did you discover this?"
"Twice last night and once this morning!"

 

[moreluck]

Who was the biggest joker in George Washington's army? Laughayette.
What did one flag say to the other flag? Nothing, it just waved.
What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed? The fodder of our country.

 

[moreluck]

When I came home from playing golf, my wife had left a note on the fridge. "It's not working!" she wrote. "I can't take it anymore. Gone to stay with my mother."
I opened the fridge. The light came on and the beer was cold. I never did find out what she was talking about.

 

[moreluck]

R.I.P. Dave....He starved to death at his desk after he accepted a conference call at noon that would "only take ten minutes."

 

[moreluck]

The corporate world is divided into two groups: those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know become the workers.
Those who don't know are also in two groups. First, those who don't know and know they don't know, they go back to school to get another degree.
Secondly, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. They become the managers.

 

[moreluck]

A new law in France gives workers the "right to disconnect" from work e-mail when they are out of the office. The 'Week' asked its readers what such legislation might be called if introduced in the U.S.
* Civil Nights Act
*The E-Mancipation Proclamation
* Freedon From Information Act
* The French Disconnection

 

[moreluck]

We drove into town from our base in Germany and parked our car on a street called Einbahnstrasse.
Later, ready to go home, we found the street but not our car. After wandering about, we stopped a local. That's when we discovered the problem; Einbahnstrasse, it turns out, means "one-way street".

 

[moreluck]

The game card said: "Name three wars." My teenage daughter's response: "Civil War, Revolutionary War and Star Wars."

 

[moreluck]

My wife suffers the most when rosacea breaks out on my face - after all, she has to look at it. Still, she's always quick with a kiss and a hug, no matter how awful it gets. So I told her how thankful I was for the affection. "No problem," she said. "I close my eyes."

 

[moreluck]

During a conference, my high school principal insulted my immigrant mother's English. Mom didn't get upset. Instead, she smiled politely as she delivered this punch to the gut: "I'm sorry. Sometimes I get English mixed up with the other 6 languages I speak."

 

[moreluck]

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

 

[moreluck]

Our family was playing the game Outburst. One of the topics was the Ten Commandments. Everyone shouted over one another as we called out answers, including my eight-year-old grandson, who yelled, "Thou shalt not admit adultery!"

 

[moreluck]

Q & A Before & After Marriage....

BEFORE MARRIAGE*
Man : I have been waiting for this day
Lady : Do you want me to leave?
Man : No
Lady: Do you love me?
Man: Of course
Lady: Will you ever cheat me?
Man: Never in my life
Lady: Will you ever hug me?
Man: Every chance I get
Lady: Will you hit me?
Man: Are you crazy?
Lady : Can I trust you?
Man: Yes
Lady: Sweet heart

*AFTER 25 YRS of MARRIAGE*
........ *Now Read from bottom to top*

 

[moreluck]

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, the Indian let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'yahoo' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service station attendant.

'Nothing,' shrugged the woman, 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians ride bareback...'

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Once two star football players had failed a test, and could not play football in the championship game.
So, after much begging from the coach, the teacher finally let the two take the test again.
They took the test, and turned it in.
The coach and the two students watched carefully over the teacher grading the tests. She checked over the first test, then over the second test. Half way through the second test she stopped and put a great big 'friend' on both tests.
The coach was furious and demanded an explanation. She said that they had cheated. 'Why?' the coach asked.
The teacher showed him number six. The coach looked at number six on the first test.
The answer read 'I don't know.' The coach said that it did not prove anything.
The teacher handed him the second test. The answer read 'I don't know either.'

 

[moreluck]

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of the truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another office had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry, Sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver demanded to know the reason.
The trooper replied . . . "Tacks evasion

 

[moreluck]

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a priest when I grow up.”“That’s OK with us,” she said, “but what made you decide that?”“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen.”