Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this
> > > congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux
> > > Klan.
> > >
> > > This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community
> > > cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
> > >
> > > Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness
> > > from God and this Christian family."
> > >
> > > No one moved.
> > >
> > > The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit
> > > this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your
> > heart
> > > you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
> > >
> > > Again all was quiet.
> > >
> > > Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would
> > > stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her
> > > voice quivered as she spoke.
> > >
> > > "Reverend there! has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never
> > > said you were a member of the Klan. I simply told a couple of my
> > > friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"
> > >
> > > The preacher fainted.

 

[moreluck]

Gwynth Paltrow just had a baby girl..... 9 lb. 11 oz. She named her "Apple". What's her next child going to be called....Kumquat???

 

[moreluck]

I happened to go to www.freearcade.com and I played a game called "Collapse". It's probably been around forever, but it was new to me.

I am totally hooked on this game. It is so much fun. I play it over & over. My high score so far is 2,393,177 points. I've only made it to level 10, 3 or 4 times. Very challenging. Try it......good hand / eye co-ordination practice for us older folks.

 

[moreluck]

George Carlin

Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills
now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
--------------------------------------------------------------
Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Cripes
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my
god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Reverse Life Cycle:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is
tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as a gleam.
------------------------------------------------------
Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
---------------------------------------------
Award Shows:
Can you believehow many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
-------------------------------------------
Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into phone) "I'm not in the mood."
----------------------------------------------------------
Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love. '"Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."

 

[moreluck]

Oh gosh, does all of this ever bring back memories!!! ....'' thanks for the
memories''....good old Bob Hope!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes words get me to thinking, like .....

"Fender skirts!" What a great blast from the past! I hadn't thought about
fender skirts in years. When I was a kid, I considered it such a funny
term.
Made me think of a car in a dress.
Thinking about fender skirts started me thinking about other words that
quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.

Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." Since I'd been thinking of cars,
my mind naturally went that direction first. You kids will probably have to
find some elderly person over 40 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire
covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
But never worked, in my estimation.

When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking
brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with
"emergency brake."

I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the
accelerator the "foot feed."

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore ?
"store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days.
But
once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought
bag
of candy.

"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now
means almost nothing. Now we take the term "worldwide" for granted.

This floors me On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term
in
our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered their hardwood floors with, wow,
wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall
carpeting
with hardwood floors. Go figure.

When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's
hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too
graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all
that talk
about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply "expecting."

Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other
day and my daughter cackled. I guess it's just "bra" now. "Unmentionables"
probably wouldn't be understood at all.

It's hard to recall that this word was once said in a whisper ? "divorce."
And no one is called a "divorcee" anymore. Certainly not a "gay divorcee."
Come to think of it, "confirmed bachelors" and "career girls" are long gone,
too.

Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came
across the other day ? "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

Here's a word I miss ? "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And
what was it replaced with? "Coffeemaker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame
you
for this.

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and
now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "ElectraLuxe." Introducing
the
1963 Admiral TV, now with SpectraVision!

Food for thought: Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody
complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I
never
hear mothers threatening their kids with castor oil anymore, either.

Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one
that grieves me most ? "supper."

Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: school

This year all the players on the Aggie football team made
straight 'A's in the same semester. Next term they'll work on
writing 'B's.

 

[moreluck]

These are gems

> > Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The
> > ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
> > >
> > Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron".
> > The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm
> > positive..."
> > >
> > A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but
> > don't start anything."
> > >
> > A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve
> > food in here."
> > >
> > A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
> > >
> > A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
> > beer please, and one for the road."
> > >
> > Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
> > taste funny to you?"
> > >
> > An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
> > look at either.
> > >
> > A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is
> > there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a
> > look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks
> > his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
> > Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
> > >
> > I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
> > any.
> > >
> > I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he
> > couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
> > too high."
> > >
> > I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
> > >
> > Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
> > the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it
> > too.
> > >
> > What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
> > >
> > Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"
> >

 

[moreluck]

Heart Smart.....

Because so many people have heart attacks, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer controlled to deliver the precise level of electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim.

That's if you're at a high class casino.

At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.

 

[traveler]

Subject: Top Ten Reasons Golf Is Better Than Sex




#10 - A below par performance is considered good.

#9 - You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#8 - It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7 - Foursomes are encouraged.

#6 - You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5 - Three times a day is possible.

#4 - Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

#3 - If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.

#2 - You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.



And best of all................





#1 - If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

 

[moreluck]

A little lengthy....but funny and insightful!

<< EVOLUTION OF MATH INSTRUCTION
>
> Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $2.58. The counter girl
> took my $3 and I was digging for my change, when I pulled 8 cents from my
pocket
> and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies,
while
> looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried
to
> tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for
help.
> While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and
cried.
>
> Why do I tell you this? Please read more about the "history of teaching
> math":
>
> Teaching Math In 1950
> A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5
> of the price. What is his profit?
>
> Teaching Math In 1960
> A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5
> of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
>
> Teaching Math In 1970
> A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set of "M" of money. The
> cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100
dots
> representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of
production,
> contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset
of set
> "M." Answer this question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of
> profits?
>
> Teaching Math In 1980
> A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80
> and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
>
> Teaching Math In 1990
> By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you
> think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after
> answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as
the logger
> cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers)
>
> Teaching Math In 2000
> A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
> $120. How does Arthur Anderson determine that his profit margin is $60?
>
> Teaching Math In 2005
> El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production
> es..........
>

 

[moreluck]

The.U.S.Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator

>> Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the "First Lady" of our nation.
>>

>> In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
>> This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation.
>>
>> After a month of testing, a special presidential commission made the
>> following findings:
>>
>> *The stamp was in perfect order.
>> *There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
>> *People were spitting on the wrong side.

 

[moreluck]

Just too funny not to pass along.
>
> Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential election that
>was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor
>the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the
>election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing
>contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner.
>
> There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc.,
>but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to
>settle things.
>
>
> The candidate who catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.
>After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the
>contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin.
>
> There were to be no observers present and both men were to be sent out
>separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for
>counting and verification.
>
> At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the headquarters and
>he has 10 fish. Soon, Kerry, who has answers to everything, but no
>plan, returns and has zero fish.
>
> Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or
>something and hopefully, he will catch up the next day. At the end of
>the 2nd day George W. comes in with 20 fish and Kerry comes in again
>with none.
>
> That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Kerry and says,
>"I think George W. is a lowlife cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go
>out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if
>he is cheating in any way."
>
> The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish), Clinton says
>to Kerry, "Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin?'" "He sure is,
>Bill, he's cutting holes in the ice."

 

[moreluck]

TEN THINGS YOU'LL WISH YOU'D DONE WHEN THE KIDS ARE GONE

10. Been more supportive of their dreams.

9. Kept a better baby book.

8. Gone barefoot in the rain with them and splashed through some puddles, or camped out in the backyard with them and did some stargazing.

7. Took more pictures. And labeled them.

6. Talked more about your values, ethics, and the importance of eternal things, like faith and hope and love.

5. Taught them more about money.

4. Played more games with them, or wrestled with them more.

3. Taught them more about laundry.

2. Prayed with them more often.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU'LL WISH YOU'D DONE WHEN THE KIDS ARE GONE?

1. Said "I love you" and hugged them more often.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: delivery

The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.

He began what can only be called "Campaigning" and sent her a small token of his affection every day for a month to her house.

The plan was successful too -- the young lady fell in love with the UPS man!

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Laws ??

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. --William's Law

Machines should work. People should think. --IBM's Pollyanna Principle:

The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management. --The Dilbert Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. --Ehrlich's Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry. --Ralph's Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. --Cannon's Comment

Thinly sliced cabbage. --Cole's Law

 

[moreluck]

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed.
With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I have
eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice,
even with all his piercing and tattoos, and I love riding on the back of
his big motorcycle. But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed
said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to
have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've
learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for
us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and
ecstasy we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the
AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm
15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll
visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm next door at Sandy's. I just
wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report
card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!

 

[moreluck]

Nicknames Across America
Test your knowledge.....Match them.....

1) Kentucky
2) Hawaii
3) Wisconsin
4) Texas
5) Ohio
6) Missouri
7) N. Carolina
8) Arizona
9) Nebraska
10) S. Carolina
11) New York
12) Indiana

a) Grand Canyon State
b) Cornhusker State
c) Buckeye State
d) Show Me State
e) Aloha State
friend) Hoosier State
g) Badger State
h) Palmetto State
i) Empire State
j) Bluegrass State
k) Lone Star State
l) Tar Heel State

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Names

There are many companies, brands &amp; products whose names were derived from strange circumstances:

Mercedes -> This was actually the financier's daughter's name.

Adobe -> This came from name of the river Adobe Creek that ran behind the house of founder John Warnock.

Apple Computers > It was the favorite fruit of founder Steve Jobs. He was three months late in filing a name for the business, and he threatened to call his company Apple Computers if the other colleagues didn't suggest a better name by 5 o'clock.

CISCO -> It is not an acronym as popularly believed. It is short for San Francisco.

Compaq -> This name was formed by using COMp, for computer, and PAQ to denote a small integral object.

Corel -> The name was derived from the founder's name Dr. Michael Cowpland. It stands for COwpland REsearch Laboratory.

Google -> The name started as a joke boasting about the amount of information the search-engine would be able to search. It was originally named 'Googol', a word for the number represented by 1 followed by 100 zeros. After founders - Stanford graduate students Sergey Brin and Larry Page presented their project to an angel investor, they received a cheque made out to 'Google'.

Hotmail -> Founder Jack Smith got the idea of accessing e-mail via the web from a computer anywhere in the world. When Sabeer Bhatia came up with the business plan for the mail service, he tried all kinds of names ending in 'mail' and finally settled for hotmail as it included the letters "html" - the programming language used to write web pages. It was initially referred to as HoTMaiL with selective uppercasing.

Hewlett Packard -> Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard tossed a coin to decide whether the company they founded would be called Hewlett- Packard or Packard-Hewlett.

Intel -> Bob Noyce and Gordon Moore wanted to name their new company 'Moore Noyce' but that was already trademarked by a hotel chain so they had to settle for an acronym of INTegrated ELectronics.

Microsoft -> Coined by Bill Gates to represent the company that was devoted to MICROcomputer SOFTware. Originally christened Micro- Soft, the '-' was removed later on.

Motorola -> Founder Paul Galvin came up with this name when his company started manufacturing radios for cars. The popular radio company at the time was called Victrola.

ORACLE -> Larry Ellison and Bob Oats were working on a consulting project for the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency). The code name for the project was called Oracle (the CIA saw this as the system to give answers to all questions or something such). The project was designed to help use the newly written SQL code by IBM. The project eventually was terminated but Larry and Bob decided to finish what they started and bring it to the world. They kept the name Oracle and created the RDBMS engine. Later they kept the same name for the company.

Sony -> It originated from the Latin word 'sonus' meaning sound, and 'sonny' a slang used by Americans to refer to a bright youngster.

SUN -> Founded by 4 Stanford University buddies, SUN is the acronym for Stanford University Network. Andreas Bechtolsheim built a microcomputer; Vinod Khosla recruited him and Scott McNealy to manufacture computers based on it, and Bill Joy to develop a UNIX-based OS for the computer.

Yahoo! -> The word was invented by Jonathan Swift and used in his book 'Gulliver's Travels'. It represents a person who is repulsive in appearance and action and is barely human. Yahoo! Founders Jerry Yang and David Filo selected the name because they considered themselves yahoos.

 

[moreluck]

Answers to nicknames for states:

1-j
2-e
3-g
4-k
5-c
6-d
7-l
8-a
9-b
10-h
11-i
12-friend

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Afghani Women


Barbara Walters of 60 Minutes (USA) did a story on gender roles in Kabul
several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily
walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.
She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands, but now seem to walk even further back and are happy
with the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now
seem happy with the old custom that you used to try and change?"

"Land mines," said the woman.