Heard any good ones?

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A man goes to see his doctor.

"You must help me Doctor," he says, "I keep seeing talking dogs, talking mice, talking crickets, and even talking ducks. What should I do?"

"Don't worry," replies the Doctor. "You're just having Disney spells."


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The Tate Family.......

You may have heard of the Tate Family. Members of this family attend every group.

There is Dic Tate who wants to run everything.

Ro Tate tries to change things...whether they need it or not.

Agi Tate stirs up trouble whenever possible.

She gets a helping hand from her brother, Irri Tate.

Devas Tate loves to interrupt whatever is happening.

And Poten Tate wants to be the big shot.

When new ideas are suggested, Hesi Tate and Vegi Tate are quick to say why they will not possibly work.

Imi Tate would rather copy others than try something new.


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Why do we spend five thousand dollars on a school bus to haul our children one mile, and then build a million-dollar gymnasium for them to get exercise?


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Most golfers develop a lust for the game, some become very successful, some just never make it all work out. The following are some signs of when it is time to quit, particularly when your group members keep asking if you like bowling all the time:
1. You have had three putts and your group members tell you that your still away.
2. You can remember for a week the one good shot you had in the round.
3. The ball retriever is the most often used piece of equipment in your bag.
4. You and your group have rules for Mulligans.
5. You have more than the regulation 14 clubs in your bag including 3 putters.
6. You leave the pin in when you are on the fringe 8 feet from the pin in the hope it will stop your ball.
7. You have the thought you that if you hole out from 140 yards you can still make bogie.
8. The starter leaves a one hour gap after your tee off time.
9. When you call fore on a par three, and everyone runs to the green for safety.
10. The club has named a pond in front of the green after you.


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The Memorial Stone

A woman's husband dies. He had left $30,000 to be used for an
elaborate funeral. After everything is done at the funeral home and
cemetery, she tells her closest friend that "there is absolutely
nothing left from the $30,000."

The friend asks, "How can that be?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And, of course, I
made a donation to the church -- that was $500, and I spent another
$500 for the wake, food and drinks -- you know. The rest went for the
memorial stone."

The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"

The widow says, "Four and a half carats."


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My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf . . . you know, golf . . . that's the game where you chase a little ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women.
So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.
He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?"
"Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find."
"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow morning and we will tee off."
"What's tee off?"
"It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."
"Not for me," I said. "You can tee off in front of the clubhouse if you want, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere."
"No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger."
"Yeah, I've got one of those."
"Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."
"You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around."
"You do, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."
Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so.
He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?"
"You're balls are in it, aren't they?"
"Of course," I told him.
"Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?"
"I suppose I could, but I'll be damned if I am going to."
"Don't you have a zipper on your bag?"
"No, I am the old fashioned type."
"Do you know how to hold your club?"
Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so.
He said, "You take your club in both hands . . . "
Well folks, I knew right then that he didn't know what he was talking about.
Then he said, "Swing it over your shoulder . . ."
No, no, that's not me at all. That's my brother he's talking about.
He asked, "How do your hold your club?"
And before I thought about it, I said, "With two fingers."
He said that wasn't right, got behind me, put two arms around me, and said for me to bend over and he would show me. Well, he couldn't catch me there for nothing. I didn't spend four years in the Navy for nothing.
He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars. . ."
I could well imagine that.
". . . and when you're on the green . . ."
"What's the green?"
"That's where the hole is."
"Sure you're not color blind?"
"Then you take your putter in your hands. . ."
"What's a putter?"
"That's the smallest club made."
"That's what I got, a putter."
"And with it, you put your ball into the hole."
I corrected him, "You mean the putter."
"No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and putter too."
Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.
"Then," he said, "after you finish with the first hole, you go on to the next 17."
Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me. After two holes I'm shot to hell.
"You mean you can't make 18 holes in one day?"
"Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole! Besides, how do I know when I am in the 18th hole?"
"The flag will go up!"
Well, golfing is not for me.


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Short Ones....

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae Brown

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" --Rita Rudner

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." --Jerry Seinfeld

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." --David Letterman

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." --Jay Leno

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." --Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'" --Jerry Seinfeld "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my....I could be eating a slow learner."


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Teens ...

Despite his mother's urgings to hurry, my grandnephew Larry informed her that he was 14 years old and perfectly capable of being on time for his first day of high school. Just as he went out the door, however, his bus sailed by. He sheepishly returned to ask his mom for a ride. She paraphrased the words he had spoken minutes before: At 14 he shouldn't have any problems getting to school on his own.

Larry got the next bus, but just missed the connecting one. As he stood watching its taillights disappear, he groaned aloud, "Oh, God, please don't let me be late for my first day of high school." At that moment a car pulled up to the curb and Larry's minister offered him a lift.

That afternoon, when he told his mom what had happened, Larry concluded, "There really is a God, and boy, does He ever work fast!"


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How to be Politic'lly Correct

Don't call that schlub a "fatty," for it's simply not allowed;
He's now "physic'lly expansive" or "nutritionally endowed;"

That clod repeating seventh grade? He's not a knucklehead;
"Scholastic'lly persistent" is the phrase to use instead;

Don't talk of "dwarfs" or "midgets" both are terms you should revise;
Today, they're known as "persons of a non-excessive size;"

You'll find you're not offending any group or race or sect
As long as what you're saying is Politic'lly Correct.

Our nation has no "Indians" in case you haven't heard,
"Indigenous Americans" is now the term preferred;

Don't call that drifter "homeless" that's the no-no of the year;
He's a "worker in transition" or "an urban pioneer."

Don't call that guy in women's clothes a weirdo or a freak;
He's "a fashion nonconformist with a lifestyle that's unique."

No lack of sensivity will anyone detect
As long as ev'ry comment is Politic'lly Correct.

To psychopathic killers, nicer labels we're now giving;
They're "gentlemen who specialize in terminating living;"

Don't call that creep a "rapist", he might think you were unkind;
He's "a sexual crusader" who's "assertively inclined;"

As for all those scuzzy pushers hooking kids throughout the land,
They're now "inner city merchants with a product in demand;"

So make certain that you're careful with the words that you select;
And we guarantee you'll always be Politic'lly Correct.



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A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150."

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead."

"I just can't take that chance."


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Special Fish ....

When she learned I was going on vacation to Europe, my grandmother asked me to buy her a specific type of tinned salmon because, she said, it was delicious and available only in Scotland. I picked up three cans as Granny had requested, and packed and unpacked them as I continued my travels. Just before I returned home, I was once again putting the salmon back in my luggage when I noticed printed at the top of one of the tins: "Made in the U.S.A.


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My Kind of Lady

This will warm your heart, especially if you have lost
faith in human kindness.

This letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary school
had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady had received a new
radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This
story is a credit to all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might
need a lift today!

Dear Faculty and Students,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens'
luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an Assisted Home for the Aged. All
of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know
someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old
forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio Before I
received this one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was
napping. The other day, her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a
lot of little pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she
could listen to mine, and I said :censored2: you.

Thank you for that opportunity.



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Three Old Ladies

Three old ladies, Trisha, Liz and Betty were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Trisha immediately had a stroke. Then Liz also had a stroke. But Betty, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far. Bless her heart


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Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie (Brokeback Mountain) :

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"



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While I was waiting at the airline ticket counter, I watched passengers' luggage ride the conveyor belt, disappearing after the bags hit the rubber strips hanging in front of the luggage exit. I noticed the strips all bore portions of stickers which had rubbed off the luggage as it passed through. As I studied them, it was obvious what message most of the stickers bore: "Fragile".
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