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California Driving Rules




1. When using a metered entrance ramp, vehicles
in the carpool lane do not need to stop. Similarly,
vehicles NOT in the diamond lane also do not need
to stop.

2. If, at any time, you have witnessed a green
light, it is okay to proceed through the intersection,
regardless of the current color of the light.

3. The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving
a Porsche.

4. If you paid more than $60,000 for your car,
you automatically have the right of way, regardless of
the situation. This is especially applicable in parking
lots.

5. Drive as quickly as possible through parking
structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car
lengths before backing up to claim it. Disregard
the angry mob that has formed behind you.

6. Get to know your horn. Use it as often as possible.

7. While driving on the freeway and talking on
your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH.
This is especially effective if driving in the fast lane.

8. Every lane is the suicide lane.

9. Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting
before leaving your car in a parking ramp.

10. During rush hour, drivers should pass the time
by reading Deepak Chopra or L. Ron Hubbard, and
practice inner peace when cut off by a Mercedes.

11. If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut
across six lanes of traffic and drive over the
divider. If you really werent supposed to cross
it, they would make it out of concrete instead of
icicle plants.

12. For parking purposes, all SUVs are compact
cars. Honest.

13. To calculate the proper speed limit on the
freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this
number if your car has dual exhaust. Conversely,
add your age to 100 if you are driving on the U.S. 101
or suffering from a midlife crisis.

14. If you hear sirens, DO NOT pull over. Slow
down exactly where you are and start looking for
carnage.

15. If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase.
You wont get away, but it's guaranteed youll
make live TV. Towards the end of the chase, be sure to
throw random items out of your window. It will
give the reporters something to talk about on the 4, 5,
6, 8, 9, 10, and 11 o clock news.

16. Never use your turn signal, unless of course
you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.

17. Totally disregard on-coming traffic.

18. If there are already three cars stopped at a
four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one of
those cars might go ahead of you!

19. Rush hour at the 101/405 interchange is from 5
AM to 11 PM, except around holidays that create
airport traffic, when hours are extended to 3 AM.

20. Never Carpool.

21. Take full advantage of your right to u-turn.
Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn
around in driveways.

22. In case of rain, immediately pull over. You
can not drive in any sort of precipitation.

23. While driving uphill, do not down shift.
While driving downhill, ride your brakes.

24. When parking on a hill, turn your wheels out,
set the emergency brake, remove radio face, enable the
alarm, and put The Club on your steering wheel.

25. On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the
center divider as a passing lane.
 
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After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.

I brought my selection - a Louisville slugger baseball bat - to the cash register.

"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash, " I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "or are you going back to the DMV?"
 
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Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make up.



Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.



Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.



Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, and it was a complete mess after that.
 
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Subject: SO TRUE! A Must read!


The Difference Between Men and Women*
Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He
asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A
few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a
while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize
that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six
months?"
And then, there is silence in the car.
To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself:
I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling
confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him
into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way
we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we
just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we
heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together?
Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this
person?
And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February
when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the
dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way
overdue for an oil change here.
And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe
I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even
before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet
that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own
feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting
right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this
time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is
shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves
$600.
And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't
help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty...scumballs.
And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next
to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I
truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A
person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic
fantasy.
And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Fred," Martha says aloud.
"What?" says Fred, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning
to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel
so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Fred.
"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no
horse."
"There's no horse?" says Fred.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.
"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one
that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Fred.
"That way about time," says Martha.
"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into
his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say
next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Fred," she says.
"Thank you," says Fred.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he
opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply
involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South
Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the
far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on
back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would
ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think
about it.
The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.
In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every
word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every
possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe
months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored
with it either.
Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend
of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
"Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"
And that's the difference between men and women.

*
 
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>CHINESE PROVERBS:
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>Man who run in front of car get tired.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>Man who run behind car get exhausted.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>Man with one chopstick go hungry.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
 
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WHAT GENDER IS IT?

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.


KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider . . .it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
 
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Funny Redneck Jokes - You Might Be a Redneck If..
You ever listed fuzzy dice on an insurance claim.
Your trolling motor used to be a fan in a barber shop.
You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.
You use an ironing board as a knick-knack shelf.
You think the Battle of the Bulge is an argument between your wife and your mother.
You've ever driven around looking for your porch roof after a bad storm.
Your nicest towels say, "Property of Motel 6".
You get your daily requirement of fiber from toothpicks.
The photo on your driver's license includes your dog.
You've been too drunk to fish.
You've had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You ever used a weedeater indoors.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is!
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your `huntin' dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.
Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.
The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.
You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think there's nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.
You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
Your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin'.
You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
 
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Q: What do you call a blonde with a whole brain?

A: Golden Retriever
 
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Trying to be fair here....

The Rules.....This time by Men.


We always hear "the rules" from the female
side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are their rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You
don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests
to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more
attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys
fear getting married is that married women always cut
their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1 . Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going
to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail. (damn straight on this one!!!)

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and
anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently
beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes
you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out
of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost
every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends
are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. In fact, all comments become null and void
after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and
one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the
other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you
want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to
do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and
neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first
two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit
whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default
settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve
is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack
of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care
about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will
act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it
is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect
an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you
wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the
shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's
Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really
matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz
together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep
on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't
mind that, it's like camping.
 
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Doctor's Funeral

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?" "I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a gynecologist."
 
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> The following ad was in The Atlanta Journal:
>
> SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity
> unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to
> play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your
> pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy
> winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will
> have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and
> watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get
> home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss
> me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.
> Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local
> Humane Society about an 8-week-old Labrador Retriever.
> Men are so easy!!!
>
 
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Quote of the day:

> > Inside me,
> >
> > there's a thin Woman
> >
> > trying to get out-
> >
> > But I can usually shut that
> >
> > Bitch up with Chocolate.
>
 
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Last Words

What do you mean, "I'll be back"?

Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?

Pull the pin and count to what?

Which wire was I supposed to cut?

I wonder where the mother bear is.

I've seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms.

I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

What's that priest doing here?

You look just like Charles Manson.

Let it down slowly.

Rat poison only kills rats.

OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.

It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.

I'll get your toast out.

Give me liberty or give me death.

Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.

It's strong enough for both of us.

This doesn't taste right.

I can make this light before it changes.

Nice doggie.

I can do that with my eyes closed.

I've done this before.

Well we've made it this far.

That's odd.

Hey that's not a violin.

I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
 
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:> >
> > This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He
rings
> > the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy
> goes
> > into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
> > "You talk?" he asks.
> > "Yep," the mutt replies.
> > "So, what's your story?"
> > The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young
> > and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift,
and
> > in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
> > with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be
> > eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years
> running.
> > The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
> > younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the
> > airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near
> > suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
> > dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of
> > puppies, and now I'm just retired."
> >
> > The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for
> > the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."
> >
> > The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing!
> Why
> > on earth are you selling him?"
> >
> > The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
> >
> >
> >
 
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IS IT SPOILED??




Here it is, the secret chart used by bachelors worldwide, because
they don't have wives who can recognize on sight (and sometimes
before) when the Big Mac has become one with the special sauce.

FREEZER FOODS:

ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice
cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.

FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of
the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably
be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with
a kitchen knife.

IN THE FRIDGE:

EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell,
the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like
yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage
cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like
regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway
-- if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon
appetite!

MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from
a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the
meat.

UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're
tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. EMPTY

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: - Most food cannot be kept longer than the
average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your
refrigerator to gauge this.

ON THE SHELF:

CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or
shape of a softball should be disposed of ... Very carefully.

POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense,
leafy undergrowth.

THE GAG TEST - Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for
leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially
acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf
of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are
good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical
laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time,
depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.

CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should
be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration
date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.

FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when
you open it.

PRETZELS: Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can
no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's
nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put
down only 4000 years ago.

RAISINS: Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

SALT: It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable
amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh
salt usually pours.

SPICES: Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be
fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.

VINEGAR: If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.

EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you
to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on
groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to
replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your
kitchen.
 
C

cheryl

Guest
Timely post robonono, my sister had a baby yesterday afternoon.
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M

moreluck

Guest
> EXERCISE......
>
> Pass this along to your senior friends. Here is a
> little secret for
> building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a
> week works well.
>
> Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with
> a 5-lb. potato sack
> in each hand... extend your arms straight out to
> your sides and hold them
> there as long as you can.
>
> After a few weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks
> and then 50-lb. potato
> sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100
> lb. potato sack in each
> hand
> and hold your arms straight for more than a full
> minute.
>
> Next...start putting a few potatoes in the sacks,
> but be careful not to
> overdo.
>
>
 
R

robonono

Guest
Cheryl,

Congratulations!

It was eerie. Just as I opened Browncafe this AM, to post this photo, the "Quote of the Moment" happened to be the exact same one as attached to the bottom of this photo.



(Message edited by robonono on September 20, 2002)
 
M

moreluck

Guest
MEN

Q: What's the best way to kill a man? A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Q, What do men and pantyhose have in common? A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women:.... A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need... A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
 
M

moreluck

Guest
robonono: Beautiful picture and quote. I hope you don't mind, but I've copied it and sent it to everyone on my e-mail list. Thanks.
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