Heard any good ones?

Discussion in 'Life After Brown' started by retired, Mar 14, 2002.

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  1. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    Playing It Safe...
    Fred and his family, including his mother-in-law, were vacationing in the Middle East. While they were visiting Jerusalem, Fred's mother-in-law died.

    With her death certificate in hand, Fred went to the American Consulate Office to arrange to have her body sent back to the States for proper burial.

    After hearing of the mother-in-law's death, the Consul told Fred that it would be extremely expensive to have the body returned to the States for burial. The Consul advised him that it could cost as much as $5000.

    Continuing, the Consul said, "In most cases, the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. The cost for that would be approximately $200."

    Fred thought about it for a short time and replied, "It doesn't matter what the cost will be to send the body back, that's definitely what I want to do."

    "You must have loved your mother-in-law very deeply considering the difference in price," said the Consul.

    "No, that's not it at all," answered Fred. "I know of a case many years ago where a person was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day, He arose from the dead! I'm not taking that chance!"
     
  2. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    > > INNER PEACE
    > > I am passing this on to you-------It is definitely working for me. I
    think
    > I
    > > have found inner peace.
    > I read an article that said the way to achieve
    > inner peace is to FINISH things I had started.
    >
    > Today I finished 2 bags of potato
    > > chips, a cherry pie, a fifth of Jack Daniel's, a small box of chocolate
    > > candy and strangled the living crap out of someone I didn't like. I feel
    > > better already. Pass this along to those who need it.
     
  3. robonono

    robonono Guest

    OXYMORONS

    45. Act naturally
    44. Found missing
    43. Resident alien
    42. Advanced BASIC
    41. Genuine imitation
    40. Airline food
    39. Good grief
    38. Same difference
    37. Almost exactly
    36. Government organization
    35. Sanitary landfill
    34. Alone together
    33. Legally drunk
    32. Silent scream
    31. Living dead
    30. Small crowd
    29. Business ethics
    28. Soft rock
    27. Butt Head
    26. Military Intelligence
    25. Software documentation
    24. New classic
    23. Sweet sorrow
    22. Childproof
    21. "Now, then ..."
    20. Synthetic natural gas
    19. Passive aggression
    18. Taped live
    17. Clearly misunderstood
    16. Peace force
    15. Extinct Life
    14. Temporary tax increase
    13. Computer jock
    12. Plastic glasses
    11. Terribly pleased
    10. Computer security
    9. Political science
    8. Tight slacks
    7. Definite maybe
    6. Pretty ugly
    5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
    4. Diet ice cream
    3. Working vacation
    2. Exact estimate
    1. Microsoft Works
     
  4. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    Nymphomaniac Convention


    A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"

    She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago."

    He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"

    She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

    "Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"

    She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."

    "Very interesting," the man responds.

    Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name."

    The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto... Tonto Goldstein."
     
  5. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    A MYSTERY INDEED!
    >
    > There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care
    > ward where patients always died in the same bed, on
    > Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their
    > medical condition.
    > This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it
    > had something to do with the supernatural. No one
    > could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths
    > occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.
    > So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to
    > investigate the cause of the incidents. The next
    > Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all
    > doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to
    > see for themselves what the terrible henomenon was all
    > about.
    > Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and
    > other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
    >
    > Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the
    > part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and
    > unplugged the life support system so that he could use
    > the vacuum cleaner.
    >
     
  6. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    << The Sneeze.....
    > > >
    > > > They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-three
    > students filing into
    > the
    > > >
    > > > already crowded auditorium. With rich maroon gowns
    > flowing and the
    > > > traditional caps, they looked almost as grown up as
    > they felt.
    > > >
    > > > Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and moms
    > freely brushed away
    > > > tears.
    > > >
    > > > This class would not pray during the commencements
    > ----- not by
    > choice
    > > > but
    > > > because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it. The
    > principal and
    > > > several
    > > > students were careful to stay within the guidelines
    > allowed by the
    > > > ruling.
    > > > They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but
    > no one
    > mentioned
    > > > divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the
    > graduates or
    > their
    > > >
    > > > families.
    > > >
    > > > The speeches were nice, but they were
    > routine.......until the final
    > > > speech
    > > > received a standing ovation.
    > > >
    > > > A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone.
    > He stood still
    > and
    > > > silent for just a moment, and then he delivered his
    > speech ... an
    > > > astounding-- SNEEZE!
    > > >
    > > > The rest of the students rose immediately to their
    > feet, and in
    > unison
    > > > they
    > > > said, "GOD BLESS YOU."
    > > >
    > > > The audience exploded into applause. The graduating
    > class found a
    > unique
    > > >
    > > > way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or
    > without the
    > court's
    > > >
    > > > approval.
     
  7. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    Golf Quotes.....

    One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball.
    - Don Carter, pro bowler

    Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at it.
    - Jimmy Demaret

    My physchiatrist prescribed a game of golf as an antidote to the feelings f euphoria I experience from time to time.
    - Bruce Lansky

    Have you ever notices what golf spells backwards?
    - Al Bolska

    We learn so many things from golf- how to suffer, for instance.
    - Bruce Lansky

    If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.
    - Dean Martin

    I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.
    - Buddy Hackett

    I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
    - Gerald Ford

    It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
    - Hank Aaron

    The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.
    - Bruce Lansky

    If you don't succeed at first, don't despair. Remember, it takes time to learn to play golf; most players spend their entire lifetime finding out about the game before they give up
    - Stephen Baker

    In golf I'm one under; one under a tree, one under a rock, and one under a bush.
    - Gerry Cheevers

    The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
    - Phyllis Diller

    Nobody ever looked up and saw a good shot.
    - Don Herold

    I found out that all the important lessons of life are contained in the three rules for achieving a perfect golf swing: 1.Keep your head down - 2. Follow through - 3. Be born with money
    - P.J. O'Rourke

    The more I practice, the luckier I get.
    - Gary Player

    I used to go to the driving range to practice driving without slicing. Now I go to the driving range to practice slicing without swearing.
    - Bruce Lansky

    What a shame to waste those great shots on the practice tee.
    - Walter Hagen

    You make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands' work.
    - Lee Trevino

    My ex-wife has never broken 150. I wish she would stop telling people I taught her how t play golf.
    - Bruce Lansky
     
  8. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    Dumb and Dumber....

    A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.


    Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.


    Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant District Attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your (expletive) head off." the defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.


    R. C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, MO.


    A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.


    A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, it startled the first bandit and he shot his accomplice.
     
  9. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    Engineers &amp; Accountants....

    Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
    They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

    He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

    The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

    When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all.

    "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

    When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please."
     
  10. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    > A blonde had all the windows in her house replaced with new
    double-insulated
    > energy-efficient windows.
    > Twelve months later, she gets an irate call from the contractor
    complaining
    > that the work has now been done for a year, and despite repeated bills,
    and
    > collection notices, she has yet to make the first payment.
    > She replies, "Now, don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who
    sold
    > me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves."
     
  11. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    > The Dead Doberman
    >
    > A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and,
    > clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the
    > Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
    >
    > A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing
    > out of the seams, turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the
    > quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
    >
    > "Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog just
    > killed it, sir."
    >
    > "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the heck kind of
    > dog do you have?"
    >
    > "Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old puppy."
    >
    > "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?" roared the biker?
    >
    > "It appears that he choked on it, sir," said the man.
     
  12. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    Subject: Where God Ain't



    He was just a little boy,
    On a week's first day.
    He was wandering home from Sunday School,
    And dawdling on the way.

    He scuffed his shoes into the grass;
    He found a caterpillar.
    He found a fluffy milkweed pod,
    And blew out all the "filler."

    A bird's nest in a tree o'er head,
    So wisely placed on high.
    Was just another wonder
    That caught his eager eye.

    A neighbor watched his zig zag course,
    And hailed him from the lawn;
    Asked him where he'd been that day
    And what was going on.

    "I've been to Bible School," he said
    And turned a piece of sod.
    He picked up a wiggley worm
    Replying, "I've learned a lot of God."

    "That's a very fine way," the neighbor said,
    "For a boy to spend his time."
    "If you'll tell me where God is,
    I'll give you a brand new dime."

    Quick as a flash the answer came!
    Nor were his accents faint.
    "I'll give you a dollar Mister, if you can
    Tell me where God ain't!
     
  13. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    Subject: Howdeeee !!



    A mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come
    back in a couple of days with a specimen.

    When she got home she asks her husband," What is a specimen?" He
    replies," Hell if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a
    nurse".

    The woman goes next door and comes back in about twenty minutes
    with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face
    and body.

    "What in the world happened?" asked her husband.

    "Damn if I know," she replies. I asked Edith what a specimen was
    and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go :censored2: in her hat
    and then all hell broke loose.
     
  14. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed ??
     
  15. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular??
     
  16. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    There are three religious truths:

    1) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
    2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the
    leader of the Christian faith.
    3) Mormons do not recognize each other in the
    liquor store or at Hooters
     
  17. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    ADAM.....
    God said, "Go down into that valley."
    And Adam said, "What's a valley?"
    and God explained it to him.

    Then God said, "Cross the river"
    And Adam said "What's a river?"
    and God explained it to him.

    And then God said, "Go over the hill."
    And Adam said, "What's a hill?"
    and God explained it to him.

    Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill,
    you will find a cave,"
    and Adam said, "what's a cave?"
    and God explained that to him.

    "In the cave you will find a woman."
    And Adam said, "What's a woman?"
    So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to
    reproduce." And Adam said, "How do I do that?"
    So God explained it to him.

    So off went Adam,
    down into the valley,
    across the river,
    and over the hill,
    and into the cave,
    and found the woman,
    and in about five minutes he was back.

    God said angrily, "What is it now?"
    And Adam said, "What's a headache?
     
  18. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    TOP 20 Bumper Stickers for Women


    1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
    2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
    3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
    4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
    5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES,SEEKS FROG.
    6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
    7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
    8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
    9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
    10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
    11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE... WHO CARES?
    12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES
    13. AND YOUR POINT IS?
    14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
    15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
    16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
    17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
    18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
    19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
    20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
     
  19. moreluck

    moreluck Guest

    A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs

    (Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
    (Southern) Poh-leece Dawg.

    (Yankee) Poodle
    (Southern) Circus Dawg.

    (Yankee) St. Bernard
    (Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg."

    (Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
    (Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches.

    (Yankee) Beagle
    (Southern) Rabbit Dawg.

    (Yankee) Rottweiler
    (Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

    (Yankee) Yellow Lab
    (Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg.

    (Yankee) Black Lab
    (Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg.

    (Yankee) Greyhound
    (Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg.

    (Yankee) Malinois
    (Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg.

    (Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
    (Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs.

    (Yankee) Pekinese
    (Southern) Mop Dawg.

    (Yankee) Chinese Crested
    (Southern) Nekkid Dawg.

    (Yankee) Dachshund
    (Southern) Wienie Dawg.

    (Yankee) Siberian Husky
    (Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg.

    (Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
    (Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?"

    (Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
    (Southern) Danged BIG Dawg.

    (Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
    (Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg.

    (Yankee) Any lazy dog
    (Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg.

    (Yankee) Any dog that's dead &amp; buried &amp; gone to Rainbow Bridge
    (Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had
     
  20. robonono

    robonono Guest

    A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

    He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

    However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the
    machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%.

    The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the
    doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

    The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.



    (Message edited by robonono on October 15, 2002)
     
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