Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN​

- You can have a woman president without electing her.
- You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
- You can call Budwieser beer.
- You can be a crook and still be president.
- If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
- If you can breathe, you can get a gun.
- You can invent a new public holiday every year.
- You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
- You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy."
- With very little effort you can annoy the French

 

[moreluck]

School Time.....

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

 

[moreluck]

Careful

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.

The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers: "Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish."

 

[moreluck]

Husband's Compliments......

[FONT=Verdana,]A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,]His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful." [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,]Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,]Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute." [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,]Startled, she asked him, "What happened to 'beautiful?'" [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,]"The drugs are wearing off," he replied. [/FONT]

 

[moreluck]

Golfing With the Wife.....

A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They had a wonderful time and the man had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife, hating to see him ruin on such a great afternoon, makes a suggestion.

"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.

Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. Again he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score. His friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion.

"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

"No," the man replies, "last time I did that I got a double bogie."

 

[moreluck]

I got a letter from the president in reply to one I had sent. He told me that when the time comes, he wants me to serve in an advisory capacity. Well, those weren't his exact words. It was more like: "When I want your advice, I'll ask for it."

 

[moreluck]

Golfing With Doc ...

I was playing golf with my doctor friend one day. He ALWAYS hit his drives right down the middle of the fairway. My problem was that I ALWAYS hooked my ball completely off the fairway.

I asked him for help and he offered to give me a physical to see if he could determine the problem.

Sure enough, he said that I had three times the "normal length" of the average male, which caused an anomaly in my swing that caused me to hook.

I asked him to help me, and he agreed to do surgery -- provided that I didn't play golf for four weeks. I agreed. Golf is just that important to me.

Four weeks later, new body and all, I teed off on the first hole and drove the ball 270 yards right down the middle. Feeling elated, I thanked the doctor.

Then I asked him what had become of the "rest" of me.

He just smiled, teed his ball, then hit it and watched it duck hook two fairways away.

 

[moreluck]

Morning Person​

John had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So John went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
John slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"​

 

[moreluck]

Confusion​

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"​

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."​

 

[moreluck]

Trying To Save $$$​

A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."​

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"​

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."​

 

[moreluck]

CHURCH FOOTBALL TERMS........

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

 

[moreluck]

50 States and meanings of the names....

-Alabama, Means "tribal town" in the Creek Indian language.

-Alaska, after the Aleut word "alaxsxaq" meaning "the mainland".

-Arizona, based on Pima Indian word "arizonac" for "little spring place."

-Arkansas, a French interpretation of the word "acansa," in Sioux meaning "downstream place."

-California, comes from "Califia" a mythical paradise in old spanish romance word.

-Colorado, means "Reddish" or "Color Red".

-Connecticut, Based on Mohican and Algonquin Indian words for a "place beside a long river".

-Delaware, for the early Virginia governor, Lord De La Warr.

-Florida was a Spanish territory, and the name is in Spanish too. Florida means "Flowered".

-Georgia, Named for King George II of England

-Hawaii, which of course is in native Hawaian could be based on their word for homeland, "Owhyhee".

-Idaho, is just an invented word.

-Illinois, word in Algonquin Indian for "warriors".

-Indiana, from "Land of the Indians".

-Iowa, indian word for "a beautiful land".

-Kansas, From the Sioux Indian for "south wind people".

-Kentucky, Based on the Iroquois Indian word "Ken-tah-ten," meaning "land of tomorrow"

-Lousiana, Named in honor of France's King Louis XIV, this territory had Frech influence.

-Maine, Assumed to be a reference to the state region being a mainland, different from its many surrounding islands

-Maryland, named to honor Henrietta Maria, wife of England's King Charles I.

-Massachusets, Named after local Indian tribe whose name means "a large hill place".

-Michigan, for the Chippewa Indian word "meicigama" meaning "great water" (for the big lakes).

-Minnesota, based on the Dakota Sioux Indian word for "sky-tinted water", referring to the Minnesota River or the state's many lakes.

-Mississippi, probably based on the Indian "mici zibi," loosely meaning great river.

-Missouri, named after the Missouri Indian tribe.

-Montana, based on the Spanish word "Montaña" that means Mountain.

-Nebraska, Name based on an Oto Indian word that means "flat water," referring to the Platte River.

-Nevada, comes from a spanish word that means "snowy" or "snow- clad".

-New Hampshire, named after the area of Hampshire in England.

-New Jersey, named after the area of Jersey in England.

-New Mexico, from the country of Mexico.

-New York, named after the city of York in England.

-North Carolina, named in honor of England's King Charles I.

-North Dakota, for the Sioux or Dacotah Indians.

-Ohio, comes from the Iroquois Indian word for "good river".

-Oklahoma, a Choctaw Indian word for "red man".

-Oregon, may have been derived from that of the Wisconsin River shown on a 1715 French map as "Ouaricon-sint."

-Pennsylvania, for the Admiral William Penn, father of the state's founder, William Penn.

-Rhode Island, after "Roode Eylandt" by Adriaen Block, Dutch explorer, because of its red clay.

-South Carolina (see North Carolina).

-South Dakota (see North Dakota).

-Tenessee, Named after Cherokee Indian villages called "Tanasi"

-Texas, comes from the Spanish "Tejas" when it belonged top Mexico (they exchanged the J for X as an English contribution).

-Utah, from the Ute Indians (people of the mountains).

-Vermont, from the French "verts monts," meaning green mountains.

-Virginia, named for England's "Virgin Queen," Elizabeth I.

-West Virginia (see Virginia).

-Washington, after the first President of the US.

-Wisconsin, from the word "Ouisconsin" believed to mean "grassy place" in the Cheppewa tongue.

-Wyoming, Indian word meaning "large prairie place".

 

[moreluck]

Silly Thoughts.....

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Just remember, if you ever have to go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

 

[moreluck]

Leadfoot ....

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"

 

[moreluck]

Rules Kids Won't Learn in School

Rule #1. It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it or you'll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule #2. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood- sucking parasites of your parents' generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule #3. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.

Rule #4. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule #5. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Rule #6. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.

 

[moreluck]

Switching to Healthy .....

For several years my husband and I have made a conscientious effort to get our family to eat more healthful foods at meals and for snacks. The children often express their discontent with this.

One afternoon I returned from grocery shopping and our 17-year- old son started to unpack the bags. "Oh, no!" he exclaimed, pulling out paper towels in a new earth-tone shade. "Whole-wheat towels!"

 

[moreluck]

OLD MONEY

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

 

[moreluck]

The IRS

Tax his cow, tax his goat;
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his crop, tax his work;
Tax his ties, tax his shirt.
Tax his chew, tax his smoke;
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule;
Tell him, "Taxing is the rule."
Tax his oil, tax his gas;
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more;
Tax him 'til he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod 'neath which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb:
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax;
We'll still collect inheritance tax.​

 

[moreluck]

Answering Machine ...

My husband and I discovered that our 16-year-old son, Brandon, was checking the calls on our answering machine but neglecting to give us our messages.

Because I knew he'd listen to the message, I decided one day at the office to leave him a reminder on our machine to take out the trash.

When I got home, the trash was out. And Brandon no longer checks the answering machine.

 

[moreluck]

GOING THE DISTANCE

Two couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box.
The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process. No one commented.
She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just a little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance.
She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"
One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"