Jokes

[Operational needs]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex. “Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “...Why are there three in this package.”

The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”“Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men.” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”

 

[moreluck]

(thanks, Eric)
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny
that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a
bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

 

[moreluck]

GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There are 3 good arguments that
Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there are 3 equally good
arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's
business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a
virgin and his Mother was sure He was God .

But then there are 3 equally good
arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there are 3 equally good
arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1
. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the
time
3. He started a new religion

But then there are 3 equally good
arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there are 3 equally good
arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married..
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of
all - 3 proofs that Jesus is a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's
notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message
across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had
to get up because there was still work to do

 

[moreluck]

GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS FOR A
PASTOR

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted
your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by
it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the
position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches
things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good
News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of
them in the swift current.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically
the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: The
youth in your church come to the rectory for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in
the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream
to "decorate"

 

[moreluck]

Gravity: Not just a good idea, it's
the law!

Gross ignorance: 144 times worse than normal
ignorance.

Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without
children.

Karaoke: A Japanese word meaning "tone deaf".

Opera:
Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it.

Normal: A
setting on a washing machine.

Health: The slowest possible rate of
dying.

Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the
money.

Boy: A noise with dirt on it.

Sleep: That fleeting moment
just before the alarm goes off.

Cynic: Someone who smells the flowers and
looks for the casket.

Witlag: The delay between delivery and
comprehension of a joke.

Skier: Someone who pays an arm and a leg to
break them.

 

[Operational needs]

A Major was posted at a very remote station.

On a visit, he saw a camel there and asked a soldier, why it was there? The soldier said that all the soldiers use it when they become very desperate sexually...

One night the Major became very desperate sexually and had to do something. So he called a soldier and asked him to bring the camel and a high stool. He then, stood on the stool behind the camel and had sex with it 5 times during the night. When he was done, he asked the same soldier with pride-"Is this the way you use it?"

Soldier in a shocked state replied- "No Sir! We just ride it to the next village, where prostitutes live...

 

[Operational needs]

A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia . "Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia , but you're not in the mines anymore, son."
T
he kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..

 

[Operational needs]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to h...ave the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."
When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband 'Keith' came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!"

 

[overallowed]

​The Monkey and the BeerA man walks into a bar after a long ride on his horse. He walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. When he gets his beer, he starts eying this beautiful lady in the corner.
Just as he turns back, a monkey runs up to the beer, dunks his balls in the beer, and runs off.
Agitated, the man says to the bartender, "I can't drink this now! Give me another beer!"
So, the bartender brings him another beer. Before the man could do anything about it, the monkey ran back over, dunked his balls in the beer and ran off before the man could grab him.
Even more angry, the man says, "I can't drink this now. Bring me another beer!"
He gets another beer and guards it with his life. The monkey sneaks up behind him, knocks the stool out from underneath the man, hops up onto the bar and dunks his balls in the beer.
Now the man is thoroughly pissed. He grabs the bartender and says, "Man, I've had it. Who's stupid monkey is this anyway?"
The bartender replied, "It belongs to the piano player."
The man walks over to the piano player and says, "Excuse me, do you know your monkey is dunking his balls in my beer?"
To this the piano player replies, "No, I sure don't, but if you hum a few notes, I'll fake it."

 

[DS]

This must be a joke.
UPS - Part-Time Package Handler - David - YouTube

 

[Operational needs]

A sweet old couple, both well into their 70's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

 

[Operational needs]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

 

[Operational needs]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man thought for a while, and said, "I want a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."...
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges and environmental consequences that kind of undertaking would create. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four?"

 

[Operational needs]

A man goes to his doctor's office on a Friday and asks for him to triple his Viagra prescription. The doctor asks why, and the man explains that his ex-wife, his current girlfriend, and an old flame will all be in town that weekend. The doctor says that it's against his better judgment, but reluctantly triples the prescription. On Monday the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor jokingly asks if all three women met each other and the man replies: "None of them showed up."

 

[moreluck]

You might be a fisherman if...

-Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat

-You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter"

-Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file

-You name your dog "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude"

-You have a photo of your 10-pound bass on your desk at work instead of your family

-You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot

-You think there are four seasons: Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn, and Hunting

-Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house

-You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage

 

[moreluck]

My neighbour was working in his yard
when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge
and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out
of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "you appear quite
elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97
next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license
anymore.
"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I
had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors
out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste
basket, saying,
'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and
left!"

 

[moreluck]

I used to be a people person until people ruined it.

One drink away from telling everyone what I think !

There. Their. They're not the same.

I'm so busy I don't know whether I found a rope or lost my horse.

Once in awhile someone amazing comes along.....Here I am !

Sweat is fat crying.

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.

 

[Operational needs]

​The local synagogue is having their taxes audited. The IRS agent goes through the audit normally, and finds nothing wrong with the synagogue's taxes. Eager to find something amiss, he looks around and sees the candles burning. "Rabbi Rabinowitz," he begins, "what do you do with the drippings from the candles you burn?" The Rabbi quickly replies, "Well, we gather them up and send them back to the candle makers, and once a year they send us a complete box of candles." Slightly annoyed at this answer, the tax man makes another attempt to catch the Rabbi on something. He asks, "What do you do with the crumbs and leftovers of the cracker things you eat?" He is pleased with himself as the Rabbi takes a moment to think it over.

After a moment, the Rabbi replies, "Well, we gather them up, send them to the cracker company, and once a year they send us a complete box of crackers." At this point, the IRS agent is furious, and the Rabbi knows what's going on. In a last ditch effort, the agent asks, "Okay, and what about the leftover foreskins from your circumcisions? What do you do with those?" Without missing a beat, the Rabbi replies,


"Well, we gather them up, and send them to the IRS. Once a year, they send us a complete dick."

 

[Operational needs]

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey, Pop! What are you doin'?" His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank." Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better geta model that gets better mileage. The UPS man filled her this morning."

 

[Operational needs]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me... $5, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What North American mammal goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers. No one knows.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde again and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.