Jokes

[Operational needs]

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, ...the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

 

[oldngray]

At Yale University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Old Eli until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.


The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the second page was written... (Scroll Down)

























For 95 points: Which tire? _________

 

[Operational needs]

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail in the jungle when all of a sudden, a huge pack of natives attacked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered ...him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

 

[Operational needs]

Bob and Marty were out drinking one night and were talking. Bob: I just can't seem to fool my wife, no matter what I do. I park the car a block from the house and walk the rest of the way. I enter the house as quietly as I can. I take of my shoes before I slowly climb the stairs. I get undressed in the bathroom, and climb into bed as quietly as I can, but the Wife always wakes up and yells at me for being out drinking so late. Marty: You're doing it all wrong. I speed up to my house and slam on the brakes, squealing the tires, I slam the front door loudly and stomp up the stairs. I then bounce into bed, solidly grab my wife's ass, and drunkenly slur, "Hey honey, how 'bout a little?", She then always pretends to be asleep.

 

[Operational needs]

​A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.


So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.


However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.


The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.


After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!


One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.


He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"


My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

[Operational needs]

Its Jim's birthday, so his wife decides to surprise him, she takes him to a Strip Club.
At the club -
DOORMAN: Hey Jim! How are you?
WIFE: How does he know you?
JIM: We play Golf together!
BARTENDER: The usual beer Jim?
WIFE: And how does he know you?
JIM: He's on the Bowling Team!
HOT STRIPPER: The special Lap Dance again, Jim?
The Wife storms out...... dragging Jim with her, into a taxi!
TAXI DRIVER: Hey Jimmy boy....You picked an ugly one this time...Same Hotel?

 

[Operational needs]

A farmer buys a young rooster.
As soon as it comes to the barnyard, it rushes & screws all the 150 Hens.
The farmer is impressed.
At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 Hens. The farmer gets worried now.
Next day, he finds the rooster screwing the ducks, geese & parrots too.
Later, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead & vultures circling overhead.
Farmer says: horny bastard, you deserve this !
The rooster opens one eye, points up and says: Sshhh! Don't shout, let them land .

 

[Operational needs]

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.
She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you
don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order
taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I
was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my
hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let
him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."

 

[Operational needs]

I was looking through this thread and realized that it looks like the Operational Needs Joke thread. I can continue to post jokes on here or if any one has objections, I can give someone else a chance. LOL.

 

[moreluck]

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.



On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.





Dead silence...

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

You Are No Longer "Cool" When.....

You find yourself listening to talk radio.

You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide- inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.

You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

When jogging is something you do to your memory.

Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.

You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.

You actually ASK for your father's advice.

You don't know how to operate a fax machine.

When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

 

[moreluck]

WHY OLD MEN DON'T GET HIRED!

Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don't really give a what you think."

 

[Operational needs]

A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

 

[Operational needs]

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

 

[Operational needs]

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks, "What happened?" and the man explains, "Well, doctor, it's like this. First..., I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then, I tried with my left hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands, and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the darn jar open!"

 

[moreluck]

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please."

A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

 

[moreluck]

TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...

10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

 

[Operational needs]

"Hon, can you replace the bulb outside?" A wife asks her husband, "Hello?! I'm not an electrician," sarcastically answers the husband. The next day the wife asked, "Can you fix the board on the deck?" "What do I look like, a carpenter," said the husband. Later that day she asked her husband, "Can you unstop the sink?" "What do you think I am, a plumber?" When he returned he noticed that the bulb and the deck had been repaired, and the sink unstopped, so he asked his wife, "Who fixed everything?" She said, a man saw me and asked me why I was crying. I told him the bulb and the ladder needed fixing, and my sink was stopped up. He offered to fix everything, if I either gave him sex or baked him a cake in exchange for his work." "So, you baked him a cake, right?" nervously inquired the husband. "Who do you think I am, Betty Crocker?!"

 

[Operational needs]

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh John, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." John replied, " My wife loves this beard. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!" "oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice. "Really, I can't," he replied. The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in. That night, John crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping. The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"