One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

Q: What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
A: Polaroids!

Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!

Q: Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
A: Because he thought his wife was a flake

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

 

[moreluck]

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

 

[moreluck]

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. The only way to move things was by carrying or dragging. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food preparation area. It was exhausting work. The guys were getting tired just WATCHING.
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had an idea. They could sit on the boulders and watch! This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television.

 

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“What did the sock puppet say to the sock? Looks like you could use a hand.”

 

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What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

What do you call an elf who sings?
A wrapper!

Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soot's him

 

[moreluck]

The bookie slowly counted out the money into the old lady's wrinkled hands.
"Lady," he said, "I just don't understand. However did you manage to pick the winner?"
The old lady patted her white locks in place. She looked a little bewildered. "Really," she said, "I don't know myself. I just stick a pin in the paper and, well, there it is."
The bookie took a deep breath. "That's all very well, lady," he cried. "But how on earth did you manage to pick four winners yesterday afternoon?"
"Oh," replied the old lady, "that was easy. I used a fork."

 

[moreluck]

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

 

[moreluck]

One fine morning Dean came early into the office and caught his subordinate,Martin kissing his secretary.
Angered, Dean screamed: “Martin, do I pay you good salary for doing this?”
Martin: “No sir, I am doing this for free.”

 

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Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

 

[moreluck]

Q: What do you call a blonde with one brain cell?

A: Gifted.


Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

A: Pregnant.


Q: What do you call a blonde with more than two brain cells?

A: A golden retriever.

 

[moreluck]

"Are you still caddying over at the club, Bob?"
"No, they fired me."
"How come?"
"I couldn't learn to laugh quietly."

 

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“What do you call it when cafe customers joke about their coffee? A brewhaha.”

 

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A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. She responded, ''Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.''

 

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“Two pet owners got together for a weekly public discussion on the Internet. They called it their Pawed Cast.”

 

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Do you know what was happening 167 years ago this fall... back in 1850?
California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands

 

[moreluck]

Teacher to a student: "Can you think of a solution to end unemployment?"

"Yes, sir! I'd put all the men on one island and the women on another."

"And what would they be doing then?"

"Building boats!"

 

[moreluck]

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

 

[moreluck]

On New Year's Eve, Ann stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.