One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

“So you went to a bread factory? Guess you had a crummy day.”

 

[moreluck]

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.
Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.
The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common - they were both compulsive liars.

 

[moreluck]

“The life of a lens maker is a real grind.”

 

[moreluck]

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the safe!"
The other partner replied, "What are you worried about? We're both here."

 

[moreluck]

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to be real nice and spend a couple of hours playing first!"

 

[moreluck]

Q. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

A. It's called, Sosumi.

 

[BakerMayfield2018]

.

 

[moreluck]

“I lost my job at the quarry, I guess you could say I've hit rock bottom.”

 

[moreluck]

“When orders for acetone, benzene and methanol plummeted, the chemical plant became insolvent.”

 

[moreluck]

“A drummer who became a policeman was pounding a beat.”

 

[Coldworld]

Get back to the smutty jokes more....we’re not kids here!!

 

[moreluck]

“Moonlighting at stand-up comedy, the baker was known for his rye humor.”

 

[moreluck]

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.
In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

 

[Coldworld]

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.
In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

That’s more like it more!!!

 

[moreluck]

'Excuse me,' a young fellow said to an older man, 'I've just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers?'
'Well,' replied the older man, 'I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet.'

 

[moreluck]

Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.

 

[moreluck]

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

 

[moreluck]

Hymns for All Professions....

Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
Politician's Hymn: Standing on the PromisesOptometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See
IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light
Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By
Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
Massage Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me
Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician

 

[moreluck]

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.
The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say....
"You see, it IS vanishing cream!"

 

[moreluck]

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve