One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

A real estate agent was showing a woman through a beautiful room at the top of a large hotel.
"Now in this wing we have the master bedroom, bath and den."
The woman interrupted suspiciously, "And den what?"

 

[moreluck]

My ex-wife and I could not reconcile our marriage because of religious differences.She thought she was God. I disagreed.

 

[moreluck]

Try To Explain Women
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"

 

[moreluck]

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.
"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied.
"Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop ing his wife."
"So stop," the bartender said.
"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!"

 

[moreluck]

“So many people buy their groceries at the market on the corner that it seems to have a corner on the market.”

 

[moreluck]

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

[moreluck]

“The best mathematicians amongst the snake family...……. the adders.”

 

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A Blonde Redneck Guy finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The Guy thinks for a moment and says, 'First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.'
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The Guy is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, 'And what about your other two wishes?'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Give me two more just like this one!'

 

[moreluck]

Man is incomplete until he is married.
Then he is finished.

 

[moreluck]

At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his series of injections, asked for a glass of water.
"What's the matter, mate?" asked the sick-bay attendant. "Not feeling well?"
"No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."

 

[moreluck]

At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his series of injections, asked for a glass of water.
"What's the matter, mate?" asked the sick-bay attendant. "Not feeling well?"
"No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."

 

[moreluck]

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."

 

[moreluck]

Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed his name. He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.

 

[moreluck]

You might be a redneck if...

Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

 

[moreluck]

This morning I went to sign my Dog up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my Dog is a mix in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is. He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because he is a dog.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dog gets his first check Friday.
This is a great country!

 

[moreluck]

“The electrician switched careers to become a tailor because he knew how to fix shorts.”

 

[moreluck]

A husband and wife, vacationing in Rome, were being shown through the Colosseum.
"Now, this room," said the guide, "is where the slaves dressed to fight the lions."
"But how does one dress to fight lions?" inquired the husband.
"Very slow-w-w-w-w-w-ly," replied the guide.

 

[moreluck]

“The neurologist wanted to propose to his girl friend, but he just didn't have the nerve.”

 

[moreluck]

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

 

[moreluck]

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."