One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’'
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
………………………...

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?'
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.'
……………………….

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription. Simply showing your marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough!'

 

[moreluck]

People think I go out of my way to p*ss them off. Trust me, It's not out of my way at all.

 

[moreluck]

Why do women live a better, longer & more peaceful Life, compared to men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: 'Because women don't have a wife!'

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

 

[Whitelexus]

Every time you typo, an errorist wins

 

[Whitelexus]

 

[moreluck]

A third-grade teacher was instructing her students in some of the wonders of nature and ended by saying, "Isn't it wonderful how baby chickens get out of their shells?"
An eight-year-old, showing more curiosity than the rest said, "What gets me is how they got in."

 

[moreluck]

To save money, I suggested to one of my grown sons that we all live together in one house. I could tell he didn't think it would be cost-effective when he asked, "Who's going to pay for the therapist?"

 

[moreluck]

Teacher: "Can someone tell me what an 'operetta' is?"
Student: "Easy. It's a woman who works for the phone company."

 

[moreluck]

Damon Wayans: Bicycle Cop
I got pulled over by a bicycle cop in L.A. -- not a motorcycle cop, a bicycle cop. And Im in my car, and he gets out -- hes sweating, hes got these little shorts on. You know how fast you were going? Yeah, a lot faster than that bike.

 

[moreluck]

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the world's largest bedsheet. More on that as it unfolds.

 

[moreluck]

BREAKING NEWS: My corduroy pillow has been making headlines all week.

 

[moreluck]

Q: Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

 

[moreluck]

The only way I'd be scared of a ghost is if one was coming at me wearing a fitted sheet that I thought I'd have to fold.

 

[moreluck]

Jeff Dunham: Sex Life of the Elderly
Jeff: I had grandparents that were well into their 80s and still were having fun.
Walter: Their 80s? The hell kind of sex is that? Was it good for you? I dont remember. It was three minutes ago!, Who are you?!?.

 

[moreluck]

I like having conversations with kids. Grown-ups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Adam & Eve: The first people not to read the Apple Terms and Conditions.

 

[moreluck]

It was the first day of school and the teacher was asking the little boy about his family.
"And what does your Daddy do?"
"He's a magician."
"That must be exciting, what tricks can he do?"
"He can saw people in half."
"That is clever, and tell me do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"Yes, one half brother, and two half sisters."

 

[moreluck]

Silence is golden...
Unless you have children...
If that is the case, silence is suspicious.

 

[moreluck]

“What do you call the medical condition where your feet go to sleep? Coma-toes.”