One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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Q: Why was Adam a famous runner?
A: Because he was first in the human race.

 

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“My Cardiologist is a Heartthrob!”

 

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To make it stand, you wet it.
To make it wet, you suck it.
To make it stiff, you lick it.
To get It in, you push it.
Threading a needle of course, get your mind out of the the gutter!

 

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A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

 

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As in many homes on New Year's Day, Janet and Nigel, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the lunch itself.
Hoping to keep the peace Nigel ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.
Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Nigel. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Nigel told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0.
"See?" Janet said happily, "You didn't miss a thing."

 

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A man received two sweaters for Hanukkah from his mother. The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one of the two sweaters.
As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

 

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A guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to upset his wife for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.
Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story,
"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"
"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hitailed it back here! Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."

 

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“I tried to sell the antique string instrument cause I needed the lute.”

 

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Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?

Because everytime they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle.

 

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I can't be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.

 

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Go braless....it will pull the wrinkles out of your face.

 

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“My wife told me to wear a skirt for the day, and I really kilt it.”

 

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Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little just to be funny.

 

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It was the usual day at our bank.
A woman came up to customer service and demanded, “What do I have to do to change the address on my account?”
Without looking up, I replied, “Move.”

 

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Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT...

America knows exactly where one cow with mad-cow disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but they haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe the USA should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

 

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A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

 

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“In the mud room was a shoe rack shaped like a dinner fork, with a sign over it: 'These are the tines that dry men's soles.'”

 

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Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

 

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Chelsea Handler: AA Meetings
Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics -- Ive never needed a drink more badly in my life.

 

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Teacher: Whats the meaning of Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder?
Student: Bambalakkadi Jimba.
Teacher: I don't understand anything you said.
Student: Same here.