One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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My new friend has a very Irish name...
O'Really?

 

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“After he retired, why did the pro golfer buy a doughnut shop? He enjoyed making holes in one.”

 

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The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

 

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One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.
He didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:
"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."

 

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A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm and flood. He e-mails his office in NY: "Delayed by storm. Send instructions."

His boss e-mails back: "Start vacation immediately."

 

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I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay with the current job.
He asked which companies?
I told him gas, electric, and cable.

 

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“When the arsonist met his girlfriend it was a perfect match. Both of them could light up a room with their presence.”

 

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Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe?
Joe: I won it in a race.
Bill: How many people participated in it?
Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!

 

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If something is inherently funny, its relatable after the fact. Anyone who says, You had to be there, should just not have told you the thing in the first place because its not funny.

 

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“The ditch-digger didn't just quit, he yelled, 'Take this job and shovel it!'”

 

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"I want to divorce my husband because he has a lousy memory!"
"Why would you want to divorce him for that?"
"Every time he gets around a young woman, he keeps forgetting that he's married!"

 

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What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I dont think I can get hard, I just got laid this morning!

 

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As I was admitted the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying "I'm going to give you a bracelet."
"Has it got Rubies and Diamonds ?" I ask coyly.
"No," he said. "But it cost just as much."

 

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Father: Why don't you get yourself a job?
Son: Why?
Father: So you could earn some money.
Son: Why?
Father: So you could put some money in a bank and earn interest.
Son: Why?
Father: So that when you're old you can use the money in your bank account ...and you would never have to work again.
Son: But I'm not working now.

 

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Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit

 

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Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

 

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“I am itching to solve those math problems. I just need scratch paper.”

 

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Natasha Leggero: Male Comics
Male comics are always coming up to me, and they're like, Hey, Natasha, dont you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian? And Im like, Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?

 

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The big city man discovered he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.
He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young redhead, quite obviously a local farm girl.
He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"
"Well," she giggled, "I can...until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"

 

[moreluck]

“What do you call it when you take a picture of your favorite bookcase?
A shelf-ie!”