One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight.
"What do you think?" she said
He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"

 

[moreluck]

Answering Machine Message -
Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

 

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What is the name of the first electricity detective?
Sherlock Ohms!

 

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“Iron Man - The super hero with immaculate clothes.”

 

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The teacher asks Joanie, "If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter and another quarter and then another quarter, how much would you have left?"
Joanie replies, "A million dollars minus 75 cents."

 

[moreluck]

Greg Giraldo: High Self-Esteem
If everyone grows up with high self-esteem, whos gonna dance in our strip clubs?

 

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Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well deserved complaining and self-pitying.
She moaned to her mom and her younger brother, "Nobody loves me...the whole world hates me!"
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word... "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

 

[moreluck]

I've started a new exercise program.
I do twenty sit-ups every morning.
That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that SNOOZE button just so many times...

 

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"How are you doing?" said a young guy bumping into his friend at the bar.
"I was fine...until last night."
"Why? What happened?"
"My girlfriend and I were talking about how many people we had slept with."
"Oh, what did she say?"
"She said she could count the number of guys she's slept with on one hand."
"That's good, surely?"
"Yeah, I was relieved...but then I saw she was holding a calculator."

 

[moreluck]

Q: Did you know that they had automobiles in Jesus’ time?
A: Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord.

 

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A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank God," returned the taxpayer. "I thought you were going to want cash."

 

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I used to run a dating agency for chickens...
But I was struggling to make hens meet!

 

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What's round and bad tempered?
A vicious circle.

 

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Seeing the cars, house and lifestyle of the pharmacy owner, friends and relatives accused him of ill-gotten wealth!”

 

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Teacher: How much is a gram?
Tyronne: Uhmm, depends on what you need

 

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I had a bad introduction to drinking, as it is. When I was 14 years old, my boys got me in a room and they gave me Bacardi 151. I didnt even know what the 151 stood for; I thought it was like Heinz 57 sauce or Formula 409 or some . Turns out you have 151% chance of taking a swing at your dad.

 

[moreluck]

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.

"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"

"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

 

[moreluck]

A young woman went to see a fortune teller who told her: "You will be broke and unhappy till you are fifty."
"What happens when I'm fifty?" asked the young woman.
"Nothing," said the fortune teller. "But you'll be used to it by then."

 

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A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening planned for he and his wife. He sent the two older kids to the movies but could not persuade the youngest boy to go along.
Finally he makes a deal with the boy. If the boy will go sit on the curb in front of their house, the father will give the boy $5 bucks for every man he sees go by in a red hat.
A while later the little boy comes running into the house and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts:
"Dad, if you think your getting screwed in there, you'd better come outside, there's a Shriner's convention going past."

 

[moreluck]

A women is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.
"This is the middle school calling about your son Johnny. He's been caught telling unbelievable lies."
"I'll say he has," the woman replies, "I don't have a son."