One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

"Honey," a wife says to her husband, "our neighbor's wife has exactly the same coat as mine."
"Do you want me to buy you another one?" asks the husband.
"I assure you that it will be less expensive than moving to a new apartment," the wife replies.

 

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If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time?
Chuck Norris

 

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A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

 

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Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.
Mickey (stunned): Why not?
Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.
Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy... I said she was fu**ing Goofy!

 

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One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited.
Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.

 

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A Businessman On Perfection…
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.

 

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I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

Note: Actually more than 1 wife has made the same observation!

 

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If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?

 

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A cattle farmer went into town on a Saturday night for a sit-down steak dinner. When the waiter brought him his steak it was rare -- very rare. The cow-puncher looked at it and demanded that it be returned to the kitchen and cooked.
"It is cooked," snapped the waiter.
"Cooked -- nothing," replied the cow-farmer. "I've seen cows injured worse than this and recover!"

 

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A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ.
Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

 

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Currently, I raise chickens on golf courses. But maybe I can par lay that into something bigger?

 

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I spend three minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog.
Then I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.

 

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After my wife landed a coveted job offer from UPS, we went out of town to celebrate.
While on our trip, she was contacted by the company's Human Resources department with an urgent request to complete and send back her tax forms.
'No problem,' she said. 'I'll FedEx them right over.'

 

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The real estate boss got a hot new secretary. Afraid of sexual harrassment issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on. So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?" Looking him in the eyes, she replied, "My lawyer!"

 

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First rule in cannibal baseball: Never wok the leadoff man.

 

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I meet a lot of strippers, and they always say the same thing: Im paying my way through medical school. Now, if thats the truth, why is that you never meet a doctor that used to be a stripper? Youd think theyd be everywhere.

 

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I'm addicted to seaweed. I must… seek kelp!

 

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Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.

 

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My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. 'I have a higher IQ, did better on my SAT's, and make more money than you,' she pointed out.
'Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead,' I said.
She looked mystified. 'How do you figure?'
'I married better,' I replied.