One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work?

A: In case they have to draw blood.

 

[moreluck]

I can't stand my spouse's family and she can't stand mine. We're kin dread souls.

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

A couple days ago, I was crossing this bridge, and there was this character standing there with a cup in his hand. He goes, Hey, can you help out my wife and family? I said, Sure. And I pushed him off the bridge.

 

[moreluck]

The organic herb farmer was accused of dilly dallying around by his wife Rosemary, when he spent too much thyme trying to become a sage.

 

[moreluck]

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."

 

[Big Package]

Dad always said laughter was the best medicine. Probably why he died of tuberculosis.

 

[Big Package]

Some people are like slinkies. They don't have a real purpose. But when you push one down the stairs, it brings a smile to your face.

 

[Big Package]

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

 

[Big Package]

To me, boxing is like ballet without the music or choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

 

[moreluck]

How To Tell If Your Dog Is Involved In A Sex Scandal

 

[moreluck]

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas; take your next trip in kilometers. (George Carlin)

 

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[moreluck]

What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

 

[Big Package]

LOL

 

[1BROWNWRENCH]

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

 

[moreluck]

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at 'Mom' and pushed send.
His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
'Don't worry,' she said, 'I'll take care of it.'
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was 'Mom.'
'Martin,' she said, 'you left your cell phone at the convenience store.'

 

[moreluck]

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy, confidently. "Means carrying a child."

 

[moreluck]

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

 

[moreluck]

A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to reception, she hammers on the bell.

‘Yes,’ says the receptionist irritably.

‘Excuse me,’ says the woman, ‘but I’m in a frightful hurry, could you check me out, please?’

The clerk stares at her, looks her up and down.’Not bad,’ he smiles, ‘not bad at all.’