One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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“Why can't you trust Satan's resume? The devil lies in the details.”

 

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She only dated hairy men, so I grew a beard to be hirsuter.”

 

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A doctor enters into a patient's room and informs the patient that he has good news and bad news. He then asks the patient which news he would like to hear.
The patient responds, "Doctor, give me the good news."
The doctor says, "Well we are gonna name a disease after you."

 

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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!

 

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My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands up in the air and joked....."Don't shoot!"

The hunter responded, "Don't quack!"

 

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Q: How can you tell if a blond is a good cook?

A: She gets the poptart out of the toaster in one piece.

 

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An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

 

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Donald Trump soared to the lead over Hillary Clinton in a poll Friday. Surveys show nobody trusts Hillary and Trump scares people. A mugger pointed his gun at a guy's head in Central Park and asked if he was voting for Hillary or Trump, and the guy told him to just pull the damned trigger .
~Argus Hamilton~

 

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“High school grammar books are parse for the course.”

 

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“Don't be mean to nuclear reactors, they might have a meltdown.”

 

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“When the homeless burrowing rodent found a nice golf course, he decided to gopher it.”

 

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The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

 

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Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Man," the first guy said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's panties off!"
"What's the rush?" his buddy asked.
"The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"

 

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There were 79 unprovoked shark attacks last year. Unprovoked -- do we need that word in there? Are there people provoking shark attacks? Is there some dick from Jersey in the water: Hey shark, you freakin lookin at me? You got a problem or somethin? I got somethin for you to bite right here!

 

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“If you want to keep squirrels out of the bird feeder, just install a little climb-it control.”

 

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A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.
"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor.
"My General Practitioner."
"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"
"He told me to come and see you."

 

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Q. What’s the female version of a ManCave?
A. The kitchen.