One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal
- Thread starter moreluck
- Start date
moreluck
golden ticket member
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
Life's a buffet... So eat me!
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
Life's a buffet... So eat me!
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
moreluck
golden ticket member
In English...
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.
"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.
"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."
moreluck
golden ticket member
95th Birthday...
"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"
"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"
"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"
"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Rite, Write, Right.......
When you write copy, you own the right of copyright to the copy you write, if the copy is right. If, however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services, you write rite, and own the right of copyright to the rite you write.
Conservatives write Right copy, and own the right of copyright, to the Right copy they write. A right-wing cleric would write Right rite, and owns the right of copyright to the Right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the Right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.
Should Reverend Jim Wright decide to write Right rite, then Wright would write right rite, to which Wright has the right of copyright. Duplicating his rite would be to copy Wright's Right rite, and violate copyright, to which Wright would have the right to right.
Right?
When you write copy, you own the right of copyright to the copy you write, if the copy is right. If, however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services, you write rite, and own the right of copyright to the rite you write.
Conservatives write Right copy, and own the right of copyright, to the Right copy they write. A right-wing cleric would write Right rite, and owns the right of copyright to the Right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the Right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.
Should Reverend Jim Wright decide to write Right rite, then Wright would write right rite, to which Wright has the right of copyright. Duplicating his rite would be to copy Wright's Right rite, and violate copyright, to which Wright would have the right to right.
Right?
moreluck
golden ticket member
Hebrew School....
Little Sammy was studying Torah for his Bar Mitzvah and was asked what he had learned in Hebrew school.
"Well, momma, the rabbi told us how G-d sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When they got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the Jews walked across safely. Then the Egyptians followed Moses, who used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for air cover. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and drown the Egyptians, and the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Sammy, is that really what the rabbi taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, momma, but if I told it the way the rabbi did, you'd never believe it!"
Little Sammy was studying Torah for his Bar Mitzvah and was asked what he had learned in Hebrew school.
"Well, momma, the rabbi told us how G-d sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When they got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the Jews walked across safely. Then the Egyptians followed Moses, who used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for air cover. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and drown the Egyptians, and the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Sammy, is that really what the rabbi taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, momma, but if I told it the way the rabbi did, you'd never believe it!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Most Beautiful....
The English test had only one question: "Write an essay on 'The Most Beautiful Thing I Ever Saw.'"
One of the students finished his essay in less than a minute. It read in its entirety: "The most beautiful thing I ever saw was just too beautiful for words."
He got the only A in the class.
The English test had only one question: "Write an essay on 'The Most Beautiful Thing I Ever Saw.'"
One of the students finished his essay in less than a minute. It read in its entirety: "The most beautiful thing I ever saw was just too beautiful for words."
He got the only A in the class.
moreluck
golden ticket member
moreluck
golden ticket member
English Is Grand...
On a California freeway: Fine for Littering
In the window of an Atlanta clothing store: Sid's Pants is Open
On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service: Able to Do the Worst Possible Job
In a New York jewelry store: Genuine Fauz Pearls
In a Kansas City oculist's office: Broken Lenses Duplicated Here
In a Boston fast-food parking lot: Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only
Billboard on Florida highway: If You Can't Read, We Can Help
On the Triborough Bridge in New York: In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge
On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and mini-mart: We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas.
In a Grand Rapids restaurant: Half baked chicken
On a Jacksonville, Florida, bookstore: Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books
On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honoring Robert Frost: Frost Free Library
On a California freeway: Fine for Littering
In the window of an Atlanta clothing store: Sid's Pants is Open
On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service: Able to Do the Worst Possible Job
In a New York jewelry store: Genuine Fauz Pearls
In a Kansas City oculist's office: Broken Lenses Duplicated Here
In a Boston fast-food parking lot: Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only
Billboard on Florida highway: If You Can't Read, We Can Help
On the Triborough Bridge in New York: In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge
On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and mini-mart: We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas.
In a Grand Rapids restaurant: Half baked chicken
On a Jacksonville, Florida, bookstore: Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books
On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honoring Robert Frost: Frost Free Library
moreluck
golden ticket member
Poor Couple.....
A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''
The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''
The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''
A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''
The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''
The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''
moreluck
golden ticket member
The Calf....
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Never, Never, Never...
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."
Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"
"Snow."
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."
Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"
"Snow."
moreluck
golden ticket member
An Old Cowboy's Advice
* Keep your fences horse-high, pig-tight & bull-strong.
* Keep skunks & bankers & lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight
* Keep your fences horse-high, pig-tight & bull-strong.
* Keep skunks & bankers & lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight
moreluck
golden ticket member
Communications Class....
Some teachers at state universities get to know our students fairly well. One instructor told his communications class of his plans to propose marriage.
A student spoke up and said that he had recently asked his girlfriend to marry him as well.
"What was her answer?" the instructor asked.
"I don't know," the student replied. "She hasn't e-mailed me back yet."
Some teachers at state universities get to know our students fairly well. One instructor told his communications class of his plans to propose marriage.
A student spoke up and said that he had recently asked his girlfriend to marry him as well.
"What was her answer?" the instructor asked.
"I don't know," the student replied. "She hasn't e-mailed me back yet."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Two Morons........................
Two morons were working on a house.
The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other maroon, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first maroon explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
The second maroon yelled, "You maroon!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"
Two morons were working on a house.
The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other maroon, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first maroon explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
The second maroon yelled, "You maroon!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"
Similar threads
