One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

New Definitions from Susan Lister

• Classic novel np. A book which people praise, but seldom read.
• Compromise n. The art of slicing a cake in such a way that everyone believes they received the biggest piece.
• Conference n. The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
• Conference room np. A place where everyone talks, no one listens, and later everyone disagrees about what was said.
• Doctor n. A person who kills your ills with pills then kills you with bills.
• Etc. abb. An abbreviation that makes others think you know more than you actually do.
• Father n. The banker that nature provides.
• Lecture n. The art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the lecturees without passing through the minds of either.
• Office n. A place where you can relax after a strenuous night at home.
• Smile n. A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
• Tears n. The means by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power

 

[moreluck]

Husband’s
call:


"Honey it's me.

I don't want to
alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the
office.

Paula brought me to the
hospital. They have checked me
over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was
severe.

Fortunately it did not
cause any serious internal injury.

However I have three
broken ribs,
I have a
compound fracture in the left leg,
and they
think they may have to amputate my right
foot."

Wife’s Response:- -
-
"Who is
Paula?"

 

[moreluck]

Where Seldom Is Heard...


Some buffalo were grazing on the range when a tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest beasts I have ever seen."

One buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know...I think I just heard a discouraging word."

 

[moreluck]

Witticisms.....

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
If, a two letter word for futility
I don't care, I don't have to.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

 

[moreluck]

The New Baby ....

A little boy was asked whether he was excited about the new baby his mother was expecting.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call it Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

 

[moreluck]

Do you know the difference T-cup and P-cup?


A T-cup is something you drink from. A P-cup is something Mexican drives.

 

[moreluck]

Why Oh Why???


Why do drug stores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

 

[moreluck]

On Winning the Lottery....


Bubba and Bo, two good ole boys, were sitting' on the front porch when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.

"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.

"Do what?" asked Bo.

"Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.

 

[moreluck]

The Family Tree...


In my search of the family tree, it was pretty exciting to learn my great-grandparents in the Appalachian Mountains were pioneers in iron and steel.

I could hardly stand the excitement until I learned the truth that Great-Grandma stayed home and ironed while Great-Grandpa went off to steal.

 

[moreluck]

The priest said to the poor farmer, "If you had a horse, would you give it to the Lord?"

"Yes."

"And if you had a cow?"

"Absolutely."

"And a goat?"

"Sure."

"A pig?"

"Now, that's not fair!" protested the farmer. "You know I have a pig!"

 

[moreluck]

The Bag Boy...


This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for 5 years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.

The manager says no.

The bag boy goes, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?"

The manager goes, "I'm sorry, but baggers can't be juicers!

 

[moreluck]

A Cowboy's Dog...


A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet dachshund.

A passerby asked him why a cowboy would own that kind of dog.

The cowboy answered, "Well, somebody told me to get a long little doggie."

 

[moreluck]

Southern University Psychology...


At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ".

 

[moreluck]

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail.

 

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Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Horn broken, watch for finger.

All men are idiots ... I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

My kid had sex with your honor student.

 

[moreluck]

Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.

Give pizza chants.

Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.

This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.

How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!

If something goes without saying, LET IT!

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

 

[moreluck]

It Doesn't Matter...

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

 

[moreluck]

New Patient...


When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

 

[moreluck]

Can I Sit Like You...


A small rabbit noticed the crow, and asked, "Can I sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered, "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral Of The Story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

[moreluck]