One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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Turkeys are peacocks that have let themselves go.

 

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While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

 

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“Why did the cook spill his soup? Because there was a leek in the pot.”

 

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Demetri Martin: Exit Only
I saw a sign on this door; it said, Exit Only. So, I entered it and went up to the guy working there, and I was like, I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door over here by, like, 100%, man.

 

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“Can new shock absorbers make a car easier to control? Of course - it goes without swaying!”

 

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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

 

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I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.

 

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Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying "Yo."

 

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Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London.

The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'

Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".'
The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'

Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'

 

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“In Japan they give Kobe steer beer, but they give a Kawasaki.”

 

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It goes: Christmas, New Years Eve and Valentines Day. Is that fair to anyone who's alone? Those are all days when you gotta be with someone. And if you didnt get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Years -- boom! there's Valentines Day for you. I think there should be just one more holiday after Valentine's Day, just for the stragglers -- and it should be called, Who Could Love You?

 

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A woman came to her doctor in a panic.
"Doctor, all day long my daughter eats yeast and car wax, and won't get out of bed! What will happen to her?"
"Don't worry," said the Doctor, "eventually she will rise and shine."

 

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Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.
She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit.
"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."

 

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An old couple were talking. The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"

"Only you, Darling,” the man replied proudly. “With all the others I was awake."

 

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Whenever John wanted to have sex he would say to Mary "Lets do some laundry, honey".

Well one day Mary felt horny so she said to John "Honey, how about doing some laundry?"

John replied "No thanks honey, I only had a small load so I did it by hand.

 

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“Some head hunters resort to skulduggery.”

 

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“You hear about the chiropractor that was a comic? He cracks me up.”

 

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“A friend said she did not understand cloning. I told her that makes two of us.”

 

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Pupil: Please Miss, would you punish someone for something they didn't do?
Teacher: No, Of course not!!
Pupil: Oh good, Because i haven't done my homework!!!