One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

“If I want to gamble online, do I use betcoins?”

 

[floridays]

“If I want to gamble online, do I use betcoins?”

I'm sure this guy could explain it to you.

 

[moreluck]

During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand."
"That's right, Coach," replied the lineman. "But, she's much better!"

 

[moreluck]

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

 

[moreluck]

“She was always afraid of change, and for that reason, when using cash, she always paid the exact amount she owed.”

 

[moreluck]

“Pigs flying is an example of swine flew.”

 

[moreluck]

“Why do grizzlies never look sad? Because whenever there's a problem, they just grin and bear it.”

 

[moreluck]

On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

 

[moreluck]

Cure For Lateness....
Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.
After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.
"Boss," he said, "The pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!"
"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

 

[moreluck]

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older.
"Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession."
"No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older."
"But," chirped the triumphant politician, "who created the chaos?"

 

[moreluck]

A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. She recognized him as an old flame.
"Honey," she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"

 

[moreluck]

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.
Finally they reached the ticket window. 'Five tickets, please,' the father said. 'Two round trip, three one way.

 

[moreluck]

The chairman of the board of our company called me into his office to tell me the good news. I was being promoted to Vice President of Corporate Research and Planning.
Of course, I was excited, but that didn't stop me from asking for my new title to be changed to Vice President of Corporate Planning and Research.
'Why?' asked the chairman.
'Because,' I said, 'our organization uses abbreviated job titles, and I don't want be known as VP of CRAP.'

 

[moreluck]

B.J. Novak: Learned Nothing in College
I learned nothing in college. It was really kind of my own fault. I had a double major: psychology and reverse psychology.

 

[moreluck]

After hearing a sermon about lies and deceit, a man wrote the IRS: "I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I have reviewed my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $900.
If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."

 

[moreluck]

Here's the exercise program I used to stay in shape this past holiday season.
You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM!
NOW SCROLL DOWN...

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
NOW SCROLL UP...

That's enough for the first day.
I trust you survived!!

 

[moreluck]

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

 

[moreluck]

My money's on the 1-year -old.

 

[moreluck]

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife's nightie and say: 'There's the chest freezer you always wanted'.

Age doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?'

I've seen a topl*ss lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move.

 

[moreluck]

The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson'.

Author, Comedy legend Sir Ken Dodd has died 11 March 2018, at age of 90.