One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, 'State reason this item is needed,' so I asked him why he wanted one.
I expected his answer would be 'My old copy is lost' or 'The cover is falling off.' Instead he replied, 'My edition defines spaceship as an 'imaginary aircraft.'' He got his new dictionary.

 

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“I'm really good at being lazy. In fact, my doctor even said that if I continue being this lazy I should expect atrophy.”

 

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“I have an idea for a chain of Elvis Presley steak houses. It will be for people who love meat tender.”

 

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If everyone grows up with high self-esteem, whos gonna dance in our strip clubs?

 

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“Inferior dumplings are a sign of wonton neglect.”

 

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A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 cents each — three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer agreed and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

 

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Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid

 

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A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

 

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A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.
"Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.
"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."
"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"
"Neither, He's bald."

 

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... My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks!
My dog is a Democrat!

 

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Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: Once launched, they can't be recalled.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: When they land, they prevent anything from functioning for the next hundred years.

 

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A guy enters a drugstore and lights up a cigar.
The owner, a bit outraged, says, "Sir, please refrain from smoking here, it is a public place."
A bit bewildered, the guy answers, "But it is only yesterday I bought those cigars here."
The owner quietly replies, "Irrelevant, sir, we also sell condoms here!"

 

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A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her,

"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Why don't you prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay."

He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can you tell?"

 

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What's round and bad tempered? A vicious circle.

 

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What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

 

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A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."

 

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A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from all that skipping."

 

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Why was the little girl sad after the race?
Because an egg beater!

What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A hot cross bunny

How do bunnies stay healthy?
Eggercise

 

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