One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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“Apparently, there are now law groups forming around the cannabis industry. They are known as grass roots lawyers.”

 

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A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.
The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"
The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?

 

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Pro-bestiality lobbyists always seem to have an ox to grind!

 

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Most people will say, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
An engineer will say, "If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

 

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A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is herfirst pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"

 

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Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office.
"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith, "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"

 

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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

 

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HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
WIFE: I clean the toilet.
HUSBAND: How does that help?
WIFE: I use your toothbrush.

 

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Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait! I can explain everything.

 

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Q: What do sailors yell when they first see an Irish shoreline?
A: IreLand Ho!

Q: What kind of spells do leprechuan witches cast?
A: Lucky Charms!

Q: What type of bow can’t a leprechaun tie?
A: A rainbow.

Q: Why can’t Irish golfers ever end a game?
A: They refuse to leave the green.

Q: How do you pay for soft drinks on St. Patrick’s Day?
A: With soda bread.

 

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Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
(Real rocks are too heavy!)

Why can't you iron a four-leaf clover?
(Because you shouldn't press your luck!)

What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
(A sham-rock!)

What type of bow cannot be tied?
(A rain-bow!)

 

[cachmeifucan]

I'm driving down the street and someone walks right in front of my car not using crosswalk my friend says what a idiot and I say what is the point of being _____ if you can't act like it. What you think about that.

 

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Catholic Definitions.....
Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
Holy Water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
Hymn: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
Incense: Holy Smoke!
Jesuits: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
Jonah: The original “Jaws” story.
Justice: When your children have kids of their own.
Kyrie Eleison: The only Greek words that most Catholics an recognize besides gyros and baklava.
Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
Manger:
1- Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO.
2- The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
Recessional: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass—lead by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long that they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
Ten Commandments: The most important Top Ten list not produced by David Letterman.
Ushers: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

 

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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
Then a voice from the back of the room piped up: "Yeah, right."

 

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What does the left leg of a blonde say to her right leg?
Nothing they have never met.

 

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