One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

A man approached a local person in a village he was visiting.
"What's the quickest way to New York?"
The local scratched his head.
"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving."
"That's the quickest way!"

 

[moreluck]

A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
'Darling, how I've missed you!'
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, 'Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!'

 

[moreluck]

Need a star studded pet name? Consider these feline names found on Nationwide Pet Insurance database of insured pets:
- Isaac Mewton
-Farrah Pawcett
-Reese Wiskerspoon
-Yoyo Meow

 

[moreluck]

Q: Why was the groundhog depressed about his den?
A: He was having a bad lair day!

 

[moreluck]

ME: "I will take $50 on pump one please..."
BARTENDER: "Sir, please get your mouth off the keg!"

 

[moreluck]

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

 

[moreluck]

The other day, Louise and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Louise finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.'
'Fine.' I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.'
I grinned and replied, 'You're right.'

 

[moreluck]

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.

 

[moreluck]

If pork bellies trade on the NASDAQ exchange, do pork scrotums trade on the NADSAQ?

 

[moreluck]

“We ran out of lettuce today. My sister said there was none romaining.”

 

[moreluck]

“A gang of beavers roamed main street last night, cutting down several trees along Main Street. Police are stumped.”

 

[moreluck]

• If Cain and Able were Siamese twins, would they be Cable?

• Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

• The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.

• "I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.

• Warning notice at a seminary swimming pool: First-year students are only allowed to walk on the shallow end.

• "If absence makes the heart grow fonder,said a minister, a lot of folks must love our church.

 

[moreluck]

“I want to start a business selling artificial leather. I just need to know what a nauga is and how do I get its hide?”

 

[moreluck]

“The decision to legalize marijuana was made by a high government official.”

 

[moreluck]

A police patrol man comes in off the beat and has to report to his sergeant.
"So," says the sergeant. "Anything unusual happen today?"
"Nah," says the cop, "There was just this woman who fell from the 10th floor of the building opposite. Stone dead."
"And that's nothing unusual?"
"Well, it would've been unusual if she'd survived."

 

[moreluck]

Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils confused him... "2B or not to 2B?"

 

[moreluck]

A lady sitting in first class saw the cockpit door open, she was incredulous to see that the pilot was reading. Very concerned, she asked a flight attendant, "Miss, why is the pilot reading? Isn't he supposed to be flying?"
The woman fainted when the flight attendant said, "Oh well, he's just studying for his pilot license."

 

[moreluck]

• "What do you write in a slug's Valentine's Day card?" "Be my Valen-slime!"
• "What did the paper clip say to the magnet?" "I find you very attractive."
• "What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day?" "I’m stuck on you!"
• "Why didn’t the skeleton want to send any Valentine’s Day cards?" "His heart wasn’t in it."

 

[moreluck]

What's a lawyer's favorite playground apparatus? The suings.

 

[moreluck]

After his marriage broke up, my manager became very philosophical. "I guess it was in our genes," he sighed.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Her sign is the one for earth. Mine is the one for water. Together we made mud."