One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
WIFE: I clean the toilet.
HUSBAND: How does that help?
WIFE: I use your toothbrush.

 

[moreluck]

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
Then a voice from the back of the room piped up: "Yeah, right."

 

[moreluck]

Frawley's drunk, he comes home late, crawls in bed, before she could wake start having mindless energetic sex.
Then he gets up, walks into the bathroom, and his wife is standing there.
He says, 'What are you doing in here?'
She says, 'Shhh! Your mother's in our bed.'

 

[moreluck]

The Importance of Punctuation
I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'

When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.
'Just where do you think you going?' she asked.
'What do you mean?' I said.
She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: 'Thanks for putting up with me. So long.'

 

[moreluck]

“How do you catch a bassoon? With a clarinet.”

 

[moreluck]

In high school, two boys, two friends (one Spanish and one American), were talking about the grades they received in their classes.
American boy: "You got an friend in Spanish! How could that happen? Spanish is what you speak at home and stuff."
Spanish boy: "Probably the same way you got an friend in English."

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Parents are expected to participate in their children’s education, and my friends were no exception. They gladly help their fifth-grade son, John, whenever he’s stumped. One day after school, John ran into the house waving a paper in the air. “Hey, Mom, great news! There were only three mistakes on my math homework,” he announced. “You made one, Dad made one and I made one!”

 

[moreluck]

Little Johnny was approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," insisted Little Johnny.
"That may be," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

 

[moreluck]

Which fruit must be courted traditionally?
Cantaloupe.

 

[moreluck]

Q: How long should a good homily be?
A: It should be like a woman’s skirt: long enough to cover the essentials and short enough to keep you interested.

 

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Yesterday at a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.
"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.
I replied, "No, I always give 110%."

 

[moreluck]

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: 'Rest in Peace.'
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied:
'Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this - somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying: 'Congratulations on your new location!''

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”
“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”

 

[moreluck]

“Seamstress is caused by wearing tight clothing.”

 

[moreluck]

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money?"

"Oh Daddy, you men are all alike," sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."

 

[moreluck]

I’ve got my own recipe for Irish stew: Get some meat, some potatoes and a lot of Guinness Stout. Drink all of the beer. Forget about the stew.

 

[moreluck]

A frustrated father told a work colleague: "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room, he has his own color TV, computer, games console, cell phone and CD player."
"So what do you do?"
The father replied: "I send him to my room!"

 

[moreluck]

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."