One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

Q: What do you get when you cross a fortune teller with a prostitute?
A: A whoroscope

 

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What do you call a nun with a sex change?
Tran-sister.

 

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Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual checkup. "I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.
"What makes you think that?" asks Quasimodo.
"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."

 

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Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.
Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he asked the on-location reporter to omit them from any accounts he might turn in to his newspaper.
The reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with, "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."

 

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A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

 

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“The poet wrote an ode about a tractor. It was a classic case of man verses machine.”

 

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A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday how does he do it?

The horses name is Friday

 

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A man goes into a travel agents and says that he wants to book a vacation in China.
"Peking?" asked the travel agent.
"No, I want to have a good look around."

 

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When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text.
'I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life,' he told the audience. 'She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice.'
At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, 'Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting.'

 

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A young girl was attending her first wedding, watching the proceedings with interest for a while before growing restless. The groom stood at the altar as six bridesmaids walked slowly up the aisle, one by one. Soon, the girl leaned over to her mom and whispered, “Why doesn’t he just hurry up and pick one?”

 

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A couple in their early seventies were discussing their future plans. The husband asked, "What will you do if I die before you?"
The wife thought for a moment before replying, "I will probably look to share a house with three other single or widowed women, maybe people a little younger than me since I am still active for my age. What about you? What will you do if I die first?"
He answered, "Probably the same."

 

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April Fool Prank

 

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A Father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," he replies.
To this his friend responds "Strange ambition to have for a career."
"Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

 

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A child comes home from his first day at school.
His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

 

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Patient 1: 'Why did you run away from the operation table?'
Patient 2: 'The nurse was repeatedly saying 'don't get nervous', 'don't be afraid', 'be strong', 'this is a small operation only', things like that.'
Patient 1: 'So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?'
Patient 2: 'She was talking to the surgeon!'

 

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Doctor, Doctor I've had tummy ache since I ate three crabs yesterday.
Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells?
What do you mean "took them out of their shells!"

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next please!

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.
You're too tents.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor I've a split personality
Well, you'd better both sit down then!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a nit
Will you get out of my hair!

 

[moreluck]

Q: What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket?
A: Two points, just like anyone else.

 

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A man in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"Aw, Dad, it's probably okay," the son said. "The police car right behind us just did the same thing."

 

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A father is in church with his three young children, including his five-year-old daughter.
As was his custom, he sat on the very front row so that the children could better see all that was going on.
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five-year-old girl was most enthralled by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

 

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My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that dont know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.