One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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Sign Your Co-Worker Is A Hacker...

Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.
Mumbled, 'Oh, puh-leeeez!' 295 times during the movie 'The Net.'
Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
Their video dating profile lists 'public-key encryption' among turn-ons.
Instead of the 'Welcome' voice on AOL, you overhear, 'Good Morning, Mr./Mrs. President.'
You hear them murmur, 'Let's see you use that VISA card now, Professor 'I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science

 

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I'm a high school English teacher. One of my students asked me how to spell worstest.

 

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I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling balls. Nobody cleans those holes. There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there. Taco fingers. Chicken fingers. I'm amazed those balls still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins? You're wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell.
-- Carolyn May

 

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A man loses his dog, so he puts an ad in the paper, and the ad says: "Here Boy!"

 

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Get married and have kids so that you can be woken up at 4:45 a.m. on a Saturday by someone asking what the opposite of 'j' is.

 

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My wife never got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day, she called my office. The person who answered told her I was at another extension. "He can be reached at 4700, ma'am,", the soldier said.
My wife sighed, then asked, "And just what time is that?"

 

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“A harbor master is in charge of berth control.”

 

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My daughter's co-workers threw a 'Biggest Loser' contest to see who could shed the most pounds. Amy wasn't really interested, but she tossed her $10 into the pot anyway.
"How much do you plan on losing?" I asked.
Amy muttered, "About $10."

 

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I knew it would never work out between us when he asked if I wanted to split dessert.

 

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My six-year-old's school assignment was to draw a challenge she thought she could overcome. So she drew herself teaching me how to use the TV remote.

 

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At his annual physical, my neighbor Jim was asked, "Are you eating plenty of fruits and vegetables?"
"I ate eight apples yesterday", he said.
"You did?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. That's how many apples it took to make the apple pie."

 

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My grandson came home from kindergarten in tears. "What's wrong?" his mother asked.
"The teacher told us to eat the popcorn and then we could read," he said.
"So?"
Now sobbing, he said, "I ate the popcorn and I still can't read!"

 

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“I used to not like Newtons, but now they're my favorite snack. Go fig.”

 

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My granddaughter put my three-year-old great-grandson on the phone. After a few minutes of chatting I told him I loved him. He replied that he loved me too. And then, as an afterthought, he asked, "Aren't you the one who passed away?"

 

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A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day.
She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.
When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, honey."
"Thank goodness, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"

 

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Grammar Kills........
The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice willing to work long, hard hours.
He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil.
When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.”
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith.

 

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I love Frog TV. It's just so ribbiting.

 

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A golfer was sitting in the clubhouse after playing a round. He looked upset, so his friend went over and asked what was wrong.
The golfer said, "It was terrible. On the 16th hole I sliced one out onto the freeway and it went through the windshield of a bus, and there was a horrible accident. The bus went out of control and hit a car head-on. There were dead people all over the place."
His friend said, "That's awful. What did you do?"
"Well, I closed up my stance and shortened my backswing a little."

 

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Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing."
"Really?" asked the friend.
The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what song they sing?"
The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."
The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."