One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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“My wild cat ran away last week. I put up posters in our neighborhood so that others can help me find the missing lynx.”

 

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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.

 

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A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, 'I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.'
He turned around and said, 'So, you want me to stay?'

 

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Ponderings ........

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why Isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

 

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Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'."

 

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“The meaning of opaque is unclear.”

 

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"The Jewish people have observed their 5758th year as a people," the Hebrew teacher informed his class. "Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4695th. What does this mean to you?"
After a reflective pause, one student volunteered, "Well, for one thing, the Jewish people had to do without Chinese food for 1063 years."

 

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A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

 

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“Did you hear the news about that Chinese restaurant that got vandalized? It was an act of wonton destruction.”

 

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For a film director, not being able to hire the number of actors you want is a fate worse than cast ration.

 

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"I'm sorry, Bill," said the doctor, "there's simply nothing I can do for you. Your condition is hereditary."
"Oh," replied Bill, "in that case just send the bill to my parents."

 

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Did you hear the one about the pregnant woman who went into labor and started shouting, "Couldn't! Wouldn't! Shouldn't! Didn't! Can't!" She was having contractions!

 

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Jim was startled to see the nonchalant way Jon was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.
"You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"
"I'm waiting," Jon said.
"Waiting for what?" asked Jim.
"Waiting to catch her with a smaller man."

 

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Instead of saying "like" I now say "such as" because I such as to sound smart.

 

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Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

 

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If John Lennon was right that life is what happens when you're making other plans, parenthood is what happens when everything is flipped over and spilling everywhere and you can't find a towel or a sponge or your 'inside' voice.

 

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My mom sent me a text that said "I love you", and she ended it with a poop emoji. I asked why she added the emoji. She said, "I thought it was a Hershey's Kiss."