One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale. 'My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale,' she said.
'I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,' her friend replied.
'Normally, yes,' she said. 'But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.'

 

[moreluck]

A man is like a fine wine....
He starts out raw as grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with.

 

[moreluck]

A witness was called to stand to testify about a head-on automobile collision.
"Whose fault was this accident?" the lawyer asked.
"As near as I could tell," replied the witness, "they hit each other at about the same time."

 

[moreluck]

A college student picked up his date at her parent's home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu - appetizers, lobster, champagne... the works.
Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid."

 

[moreluck]

Daughter: My fiancé said I could have whatever I wanted to be inscribed on his wedding ring. What should I put?
Mother: Put what I put on your father's wedding ring.
Daughter: What does it say. I've never seen daddy with it off.
Mother: Yes. It's worked very well over the years. It says, 'Put it back on

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is $300,” the cheery salesperson replied.
“And what about Salt Lake City?”
“We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99,” she said, “but there is a stopover.”
“Where?”
“In Denver,” she said.

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

“2017 would have been a great year to open up a unisex haircut place and call it 'Totally Clips'.”

 

[moreluck]

A very young couple exhibiting signs of extreme nervousness timidly approached the check-in desk of a large Manhattan hotel.
"Good evening, sir," said the official behind the desk, favouring the young man with a perceptive wink. "Suite 16?"
"Oh, no!" the young man responded quickly. "She's eighteen."

 

[sailfish]

A college student picked up his date at her parent's home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu - appetizers, lobster, champagne... the works.
Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid."

Hooker.

 

[moreluck]

Kids have a greater need for speed than classroom computers can deliver.
Impatient to turn in his term paper, one restless student kept clicking the 'Print' command.
The printer started to churn out copy after copy of the kid’s ten-page report.
The topic?
'Save Our Trees.'

 

[moreluck]

A Conundrum

If women do the same job for less money, why do companies hire men to do the same job for more money?

It's a puzzlement!

 

[moreluck]

You might be a redneck if...

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".

 

[moreluck]

A wild-eyed man, dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat, entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."
"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch, and tell me your problem."
"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France, I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power--everything! But I'm afriad my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."
"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"
"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."

 

[moreluck]

Patient 1: “Why did you run away from the operation table?”

Patient 2: “The nurse was repeatedly saying ‘don’t get nervous’, ‘don’t be afraid’, ‘be strong’, ‘this is a small operation only’, things like that.”

Patient 1: “So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?”

Patient 2: “She was talking to the surgeon!”

 

[moreluck]

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.
"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you."
"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go

 

[moreluck]

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How should I know?” the man answers, “I’m not a lawyer!”

 

[moreluck]

I'll eat any kind of sweet potato. I'm yambidextrous.

 

[moreluck]

My uncle, a veteran of Normandy, always touted this famous saying: "Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Watch out for the one addressed 'to whom it may concern.' "