The Doctor is in: Post your concerns and I will provide guidance

[Fighting4yourRights]

At the request of hundreds of our most popular BC discussants (see Lunch Break Thread), I have finally decided to oblige the numerous requests that I respond to the concerns (primarily personal issues are most desired) with good old fashioned sound advice: superhero style. I've been known to post such greats as how to effectively take a lunch break at UPS among countless other highly relevant posts.

Here is just one example,

Lynda, I have noticed that my son is interested in strippers and it's only getting worse. He just entered the 3rd grade I want to know how I should handle the situation.

Lynda's professional response:

First, thank the Lord your child is gonna be straight. Now, he's young but not too young to begin healthy fantasies about strippers and especially paying for sex. Is his father bald? If so, it's better to groom him now for paying for the attention from attractive women. Does your family have a history of putting on extra weight? If so, groom, groom, groom. In fact, take it to the next level and begin to demonstrate proper etiquette and appropriate state laws for handing over money for sex/drugs/alcohol. He will definitely thank you by the time he turns 10.

Please promptly post your questions and try to keep from expressing too much emotion.

 

[Fnix]

I am in debt.

 

[Pollocknbrown]

i love lamp?

 

[over9five]

Lynda,
I have lost interest in my wife. It's the same ol' same ol'. I think breast enhancement may be the answer to the problem. How do I talk her into this?

 

[moreluck]

Why is this under "UPS Discussions" ??

 

[Fighting4yourRights]

Why is this under "UPS Discussions" ??

UPS related concerns are extremely encouraged!!!

Also, all responses will be tied to improving productivity at UPS. (promise)

 

[Fighting4yourRights]

Lynda,

I have lost interest in my wife. It's the same ol' same ol'. I think breast enhancement may be the answer to the problem. How do I talk her into this?

Lynda always says: Communication is a weed in the garden of love. And you can take that to the bank and cash it in for a nice ROI.

It sounds like your wife has not been living up to her wedding vows and you are probably right, larger boobs = intense sexual interest = higher productivity at UPS. Don't, I repeat, don't talk it over with your wife. She won't have anything valuable to add to the conversation. Instead, you will have to perform this easy surgery on your own.

1st: Knock her out. (Feed her some brandy with one part cyanide and 2 parts Prozac).

2nd: Make a large incision in the upper breasts and carefully slip a giant, family sized icy-pack between the skin and breast(s).

3rd: Stitch 'er up.

Presto, you wife will be your wildest fantasy (only in dark rooms or if you squint your eyes when looking at her). An added bonus for you when the temperature drops.

Now, is there anything on you that might need a little ahem... enhancing...

 

[Fighting4yourRights]

I am in debt.

Lynda has a great get out of debt plan for you.

Have you ever considered the porn industry? I hear that gay male porn stars are some of the highest paid in the industry. If you are straight (and if you're on BC, then you most likely are), the pay for you will be even higher. There is nothing hotter than seeing a straight guy wedged in between to aggressive gay power bottoms. Just think, your finance situation will improve, you'll be experiencing novel and amazing hot intimacy, which, in turn, will totally improve your performance at UPS.

 

[Fighting4yourRights]

i love lamp?

This is a tough one but my brother had the same issue. I decided the best thing for him was to profess his love directly to the lamp. Then he needed to carve a small hole in the bottom of the lamp (wink wink). He and the lamp have been in a loving, committed and sexually active relationship for the past 4 months. A hole in the lamp totally improved his performance at UPS and his lunch breaks are much more fun (wink wink). Be careful however, if you rub the lamp too many times a day, a magic Geenie will appear and rub you back.

 

[moreluck]

I don't really like being the first to say so, but I don't find this very funny.

 

[Fighting4yourRights]

I don't really like being the first to say so, but I don't find this very funny.

This comment, in itself, is pretty funny. Probably funnier than the previous posts.

Thanks, Moreluck, you made my day.

 

[MonavieLeaker]

 

[athena]

Dear Abby's got nothing on you, FnRights.

 

[Lobofan5]

(this post left intentionaly blank due to lack of interest.)



I get all my advice from fortune cookies.

 

[Fighting4yourRights]

(this post left intentionaly blank due to lack of interest.)



I get all my advice from fortune cookies.

Interesting twist. But your post does show a latent, repressed interest at a deeply unconscious level. The fact that you are unaware of you desires burns up energy that would otherwise be put towards increased productivity at UPS. My advice, buy more bird seed. Dip pine cones in peanut butter and roll in the bird seed. If that doesn't bring her back, nothing else will.

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

Let me know when you decide to post something worthwhile.

 

[Fighting4yourRights]

Let me know when you decide to post something worthwhile.

Ask your master to take you off your leash and let you run around in the yard a little. Not only will it help cure the stinky smell coming from your nether region, but it will help reduce your need to hump every person's leg you meet.
It's a win - win for all UPSers!

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

So much for trying to be polite---you are an idiot!!!

 

[30andout]

Lynda,
I have lost interest in my wife. It's the same ol' same ol'. I think breast enhancement may be the answer to the problem. How do I talk her into this?

Don't bother over, its like putting new tires on an old car , there fun for a while but its still the same old car.

 

[cino321]

Dear Lynda,

I find myself struggling every morning to attend the PCM. Management has failed to captivate my interest. The same commit time and safety pointers from the calendar doesn't really do it for me anymore. I try to avoid attending at all costs. I am also disappointed in that the center manager rarely attends.

How does one find that certain satisfaction from the PCM like I used to get when I first started driving. How do I get my manager to show his face every morning so I get that comfort I once used to get, that "Don't worry, I'm gonna bend you over and screw you, but we'll both be here tomorrow morning anyway and do it all over again" magic I once had.

Thanks for caring!